How to Deal with Difficult People
By Shaunti Feldhahn and Laurie Davies
This week’s blog is jointly written by both me and my lead editor, Laurie Davies. She is one of the kindest people I know, even when—especially when—it is challenging. So, I wanted to include her insight this week on how to deal with difficult people.
It’s easy to go dancing through the daisies with nice people. We like those who are enjoyable, agreeable, and pleasant. In fact, let’s just cancel all the difficult people in our lives and hang out only with kind people. (And that, friends, is as close as we will ever get to writing an April Fool’s Day blog.)
No, today, the challenge is to think bigger. Let’s look at the importance of being kind to difficult people, and why. (Hint: God’s kindness leads us to repentance; Romans 2:4.) Not every reader embraces a Christian faith perspective, but as we’ll illustrate below, the principle holds true. Kindness does bring change—even if it’s “just” in us.
Being kind to difficult people is just so dang hard. But as emphasized in The Kindness Challenge, when people get under our skin, that’s the precise moment that kindness matters most. Here are a few ideas on how to deal with difficult people.
Step 1: Work on yourself
If you wish that terse, chippy, challenging person in your life would change, a statistically promising first step is to work on … yourself. Kindness impacts the other person, but it changes you. This is our starting point.
Three out of four people who did our 30-Day Kindness Challenge for a romantic partner (and two out of three who did it for any other type of relationship) reported that, although they were the ones taking the challenge to be more kind, they saw the targets of their kindness change for the better in 74% of cases.
In other words, when you change, they change. Kindness disarms others and breaks down walls, and, frankly, when we determine to treat others with kindness, it takes away their power to make us crazy.
There is a vital nuance here. If an out-of-control personality disorder, serious mental illness, or abusive relational dynamics are in play, a “just try harder” attempt at kindness can be exploited to create a more toxic situation. In these cases, putting boundaries in place is often the kindest thing we can do. Why? Because kindness cares about the best interest of the other person. There is nothing healthy about, for example, allowing a difficult family member to destroy their own mental health with how they speak to you and other family members. (For example, “Speaking in that way is unhealthy for me and for you. So, let’s take a break in this conversation until we can address it in a more productive way.”)
If day-to-day boundaries don’t lead to change, we may have to be kind from a distance. But still. Be kind. It changes you, remember?
Step 2: Recognize it’s biblical to be kind to difficult people
We mentioned Romans 2:4 at the top of the blog. It is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance. It’s not His might that melts our hearts. It’s His kindness. This is a biblical principle that everyone who is made in the image of God can apply. Being firm, having boundaries, and displaying strength are all important in different situations, but always with kindness.
Kindness is what softens people. It’s never our strictness and strength that changes hard hearts. These things may be needed, but what softens their heart is our kindness in the middle of it.
Our friends Scott and Sherry Jennings opened up about this very thing on a recent episode of our new podcast. Kindness revolutionized their marriage. (If you are dealing with conflict, controlling behaviors, anger, and even infidelity in your marriage, you will be deeply encouraged by the Jennings’ story. Give that episode of our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This a listen.)
And I (Shaunti) will never forget the woman—called Maggie in my devotional, Find Hope—who approached Jeff and me at a marriage event to describe a hopeless situation she had lived with for years. Her mother-in-law was extremely difficult (and had been damagingly critical of her husband in his formative years). Yet, Maggie felt God nudging her to love her. Of course, Maggie asked God how on earth that was possible.
What would you do if you loved her? was the question Maggie sensed God asking her. Go and do that.
So, Maggie started offering updates on the grandkids. Calling her mother-in-law just to check in on her. Trying new recipes with her. And wouldn’t you know it? Positive traits started peeking through the negative ones. The mom-in-law softened.
Kindness won.
Step 3: Understand that the difficult person may be in difficult circumstances
A fascinating “world happiness” ranking came out last week, revealing that the United States has fallen to its lowest-ever level of happiness. We are 24th in the world (compared with 11th in 2012).
One possible factor? The number of people in the U.S. who dine alone has increased more than 50% in the last twenty years.
If someone is being “difficult,” maybe they’re deeply unhappy and isolated. Maybe they are in that mix of statistics of people who are just very lonely.
Philo of Alexandria famously said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” We never know what people are facing. Humor can mask pain just as easily as prickly behavior can be a symptom of it. Just because one behavior is easier to engage with doesn’t mean the person who is suffering is any less deserving of our kindness.
In fact, if a difficult person acts badly or lashes out, this is actually a moment of truth for us. I Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” The Amplified Bible continues: “(Love) overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others.”
We want that kind of love, don’t we? We long for others to see and seek the best in us—especially when we’re in a difficult stretch, or (shocker) being a difficult person.
So, above all, let’s love deeply. The details we get so hung up on likely won’t matter in five years. They might not even matter in five minutes.
Step 4: Evaluate your boundaries
By this we don’t mean “examine what your boundaries are.” We mean, examine why your boundaries are what they are.
An intentional study of what scripture says on this may be eye-opening. We have studied this in a very systematic way … and it is clear that scripture calls us to an uncomfortable level of kindness with others. The charge to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us (Matthew 5:44) remains unchanged.
When we build Fort Knox around our hearts or cut people out of our lives in the name of boundaries, this enters very tricky territory. We would never presume to understand the heartache you have endured or the mean-spirited, unkind encounters you have faced. We only know that when Jesus said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” (Luke 6:31), it was in the context of mistreatment.
In other words: “Treat the person who is treating you badly with the kindness you wish they were extending to you.”
We are not recommending that anyone become a doormat.
We would never advocate staying in an abusive situation.
But as we navigate difficult situations with difficult people—with all the wisdom, boundaries, protection, and strength we possess—it’s important to be kind. Not everyone will embrace this principle, but this is ours: If we are going to err, we are going to err on the side of being loving and kind.
Difficult people may never reciprocate our kindness. But God says “the reward will be very great” for those who love their enemies (Luke 6:35).
Let’s trust Him on this—and act accordingly.
If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].
On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space. You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.
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More from Shaunti’s Blog:
5 Quick Steps to Calm a Stressed-Out Child
From Wrecked to Restored: Lessons from a First Responder with Dan Defenbaugh
