What Happened to Dating? Research, Reality, and Hope for Young Adults

Everywhere I go these days I hear the same story.

The fun, full-of-life, 26-year-old roommates who would like to date, and aren’t being asked out.

The mom sitting next to me at lunch recently after an event who said her four adult kids have almost given up on trying to find “someone good out there.”

The Gen Zer who has used multiple dating apps and thinks they have gotten much less helpful over the last few years.

If you’re a single person in their twenties who would love to be married someday—or the parent or friend of one—you know exactly what I’m talking about. Spending time with Gen Zers both personally and professionally, I keep hearing the same refrain: “There’s no one out there.” “The apps are exhausting.” “Dating is just hard right now.”

People wonder: Is it just me?

No, it’s not just you, and science backs this up!

A group of well-respected researchers recently released a groundbreaking new study that explains why things have gotten so hard. Thankfully, the same study provides some hope.

Since this is such an important topic, and since we care about equipping our audience with key information and solutions that might help, I’m turning this into a three-part series. This week’s content is aimed at young people who want to find “the one.” I hope you will forward this blog along to people who might be interested—both Gen Z singles who need to know they are not alone and/or their parents and friends who want to know what they’re going through. In Part 1, I’m going to explain what this study found about what on earth is going on, including some good news under the surface.

In Parts 2 and 3, I’ll cover more of the practical “what do we do about it,” including how parents and friends can contribute toward bringing fresh ideas into the dating scene.

If you’re a podcast listener, you’ll want to catch my husband Jeff and I talk about this on our I Wish You Could Hear This podcast. Download those episodes (Part 1 and Part 2) here.

So, back to the blog, let’s start with two key findings from the study about what is going on.

Finding #1: We are in a “dating recession”

The major research study I mentioned, from the Institute for Family Studies, surveyed thousands of unmarried adults between the ages of 22 and 35, most of whom said they hope to marry someday. The researchers’ concluded we are living in a “dating recession.”

In an economic recession, activity slows down. Job opportunities seem scarcer. Job seekers get discouraged and stop trying. And because they stop trying, the whole economy slows down further.

Something similar is happening in the dating “market.” It turns out that 70% of young adults who want marriage someday are not actually dating!

Read that again. Seven out of every ten Gen Z or Millennials between 22 and 35 years old who want marriage are not dating. Mostly because they have pulled themselves out of the dating market (more on that later).

Thus, because only 30% are “out there,” it feels like there are fewer options because there are fewer options! So that causes even more people to give up and pull back, and the whole thing becomes a vicious cycle. (Note that although the study went up to age 35, dating dynamics are different for those in their thirties. So, we are focusing on Gen Zers in their twenties in this series.

Before diving into more data, it’s important to recognize the deeply human side of what going on. Some singles (especially as they inch toward and enter their thirties) view their singleness as a grief—and it’s a grief they are navigating alone. A fear that “all the good ones are gone” is palpable.

Add to that that many have tried to meet “the right one” in “the right places” (e.g. church, volunteer settings, activity-based clubs etc.), and that some also feel acutely excluded from various social and church circles. So, as we look into the research to offer statistical hope to those who would like to be married, it’s also good for us to remember the pain points that are in play. The messaging that young singles simply need “to put themselves out there” can do more harm than we know.

All of this said, there are findings in the data that tell another side of the story for the 70 percent who want to be married but are not dating—and I find them deeply encouraging.

Finding #2: Gen Z singles want real relationships and commitment

If you listen to the broader culture, and look at declining rates of marriage, you could easily come away thinking that young adults simply do not want commitment anymore. That they are only interested in hooking up, casual encounters, or having fun with no deeper goal.

That is not what the study found.

One of the most hopeful findings in the whole report is that most young adults want something real. Sure, some will take a hookup if it happens. But that is not what most young adults are looking for. The survey found that, the reasons they wanted to date were to create emotional connection (80%) and to form serious relationships (78%). Strong majorities of both women and men said they want dating to be about building something meaningful. Many also said they want to grow personally (67%), and learn about themselves and what they needed in a future spouse (63%).

By contrast, the “lighter” reasons for dating were rated far lower. Dating simply to fit in socially or to gain validation was near the bottom.

In other words, most young adults do not need to be convinced to “get serious” and aim for a significant relationship that requires deep emotional connection. They already long for that.  

Finding #3: The underlying issue isn’t a lack of motivation, but the lack of a map

The third key finding is that many young adults are unsure about how to move toward actual relationship formation. To quote the researchers, they “lack faith in their dating skills and their ability to initiate a promising romantic relationship.” And because of the “dating recession” they simply don’t have as many opportunities to do so. Which means we do not have a motivation crisis nearly as much as we have a formation crisis.

The desire is there. What is missing is the road map.

As you’ll see in Parts 2 and 3, the singles shared with the researchers what they felt were key missing pieces of the road map:

Some young adults want a serious relationship but do not know how to approach someone they are interested in. Some want connection but have been so bruised by previous experiences that they are afraid to try again. Some have amazing interpersonal skills but have been on the wrong side of a relationship in which their dating partner did not—and that frankly just gets old. Some want marriage but have quietly adopted assumptions that make it hard to start or sustain a promising relationship.

This is why simply telling singles, “You need to be out there more” or “Try harder,” is not very helpful. Many already want to try—and have been trying. They just feel discouraged, confused, or like there just aren’t any options for them.

The good news is that the barriers the report identifies are exactly the sort of things that can be addressed with some attention and support. That is what we will cover in Part 2 and 3. And we are going to get very practical, so if you aren’t already on our email list make sure you subscribe  so you’ll get the next installments!

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Amy Masaschi at [email protected]/.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

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