The Day After Tax Day: What Your Money Stress May Be Telling You

If you’re reading this on or shortly after April 16, there’s a decent chance you are feeling one or more of these three things:

Relief, because the taxes are finally filed. And maybe you’re getting a refund!

Stress, because you just made a painful payment.

Or frustration, because some part of the process went sideways and now you and your spouse are irritated at each other over receipts, deadlines, missing paperwork, what to do with your refund, or that one purchase neither of you wants to talk about.

If there’s any stress or frustration, it is easy to assume the issue is taxes.

But usually, it isn’t.

One of the most eye-opening findings in our research for Thriving in Love and Money was this: when we have conflict around money, it is not about the money. It is about things under the surface that we do not even realize are there. How money makes us feel. Insecurities and fears. How we process decisions—and how our spouse does.

Tax Day just has a way of bringing those things to the surface a little faster than normal.

So, if filing-your-taxes day (whenever that was for you) felt tense in your house, here are a few “aha” moments that may help explain why—and what to do about them.

Truth #1: The money stress you feel is probably not just about the amount, but about what the amount means to each of you.

Let’s say you owed more than expected this year. One spouse is upset and is talking about the number itself … but under the surface, what they may really be feeling is, I hate this because it makes me feel unsafe. Or, I hate surprises. Or, I feel like we are falling behind. Or even, I feel like I am carrying this whole thing and no one sees it.

Meanwhile, the other spouse may be reacting to that same tax bill in a completely different way. They may be assuming, Okay, this is annoying, but we will handle it. We always do. They might even be irritably thinking, Why does my spouse always get so stressed about this? And now both people are reacting not just to the money, but to each other’s reaction.

That is where things get crossed.

In our research, we saw that money tensions are often fueled by fears our partner does not even realize are there. And we respond in ways meant to relieve our own concerns that accidentally make our spouse’s concerns worse.

So instead of starting with, “Why are you so upset about this? We’ll be fine!” try asking, “What does this situation feel like to you?”

That question gets under the surface. It moves you away from the spreadsheet and toward the heart.

And if you are the one who is upset, try to gently name the feeling before you name the financial complaint. For example: “I know this is just a tax bill, but what it stirs up in me is fear that we are not as stable as I thought.” Then ask, “What do you think?” That way you start a calm conversation and the other person knows you are sharing your own worries, rather than saying the instability is their fault.

Truth #2: What looks like a fight over taxes may actually be a clash of values.

This one is easy to miss, but once you see it, you cannot unsee it.

In our research, one of the major hidden drivers of money conflict is simply that we do not value what our partner values. So, suppose you’re about to get a decent refund. One spouse might immediately think: We should put this toward savings. While the other is immediately relieved you all can finally fix the thing in the house that has been bothering everyone for months.

Neither reaction is irresponsible. They are just different immediate, emotional reactions to valuing something totally different under the surface. And the reason we might clash about it—rather than simply accepting it, working out a compromise, and moving on— is that what one person values often seem irrational to the other.

Fully two thirds of respondents on our nationally representative survey believed they knew better than their partner about how to allocate money. In other words, the subconscious thought is: My way is the right way.

So now I am not just disagreeing with your idea. I am thinking your idea makes no sense, while mine is clearly the way we should go.

Any surprise why tension arises?

So, what do we do about this? We could ask “What feels important to you about this?” in order to identify the value before you get into the money debate.

You may still disagree about the outcome. But now you are working to understand instead of win, which changes the tone of the entire conversation.

Truth #3: Avoiding the conversation does not reduce tension; it usually increases it.

This is something Jeff and I have had to be painfully honest with ourselves about. Before we did the Thriving in Love & Money research, we didn’t fight about money. But it wasn’t because we were fine in our relationship around money.

After all the years of marriage research and learning, money remained the one area of our marriage we just sort of … ignored. We worked around it. We didn’t discuss it. Because every time we tried, there was tension.

And we weren’t alone. Fully 77% of couples struggle to talk about money or avoid it altogether.

But silence is not the same as peace. And sometimes, Tax Day exposes this.

Maybe no one raised their voice. But one of you got quiet. Or checked out. Or handled everything alone. Or felt resentment building under the surface. Or maybe both of you just tried to get through it as quickly as possible so you wouldn’t have to deal with it.

Jeff and I get it. We’ve been there.

But here’s the truth from both our surveys and personal experience: avoiding the conversation does not remove the tension. It just pushes it underground where it bubbles like lava, waiting to erupt into hurt feelings or concern during those times when you can’t ignore money issues.

This is why, in our research, it was clear that being able to talk about money is one of the most important things couples can do for the relationship.

In fact, statistically, being able to talk about money at all, even awkwardly, matters far more than having more money. Most of us think if we just had more money we wouldn’t have these issues. When instead, what we actually need is not more money but more understanding.

So, if Tax Day brought stress into your house this week, do not assume something is wrong with your relationship. Instead, know that money was doing what it always does: It reveals.

It reveals where fear is hiding. Where values are colliding. Where communication is breaking down. And once you can see those things, you can do something about them.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

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