What Happened to Dating? How To Build Confidence in Dating Skills (Part 2)

Yes, it’s frustrating out there!

In Part 1 of this three-part series for single young adults (and those who want to support them), we looked at a reality that most single Gen Z adults feel every day: it is genuinely challenging to find even casual dates, much less pursue anything significant.

A major research study found that among those age 22-35, roughly 70 percent of young adults who hope to marry someday are not dating. Researchers described this moment as a “dating recession.” So, in this Part 2 we’re going to tackle one of the main reasons from the study about why the vast majority aren’t dating, and how to address it. We will cover another two reasons and related actions in Part 3, and will end with a few big-picture ideas for those who want to support this moment in practical ways.

Important note: we are focusing here on Gen Z singles, since the practical and emotional considerations for those in their thirties are often different.

So on to the reasons why most twenty-somethings aren’t dating.

Reason #1: They report a lack of faith in their dating skills

This, in my view, was the most important finding in the entire report. Many young adults want connection but pull back because they don’t feel confident in the skills needed for dating. And according to our own initial research interviews on this topic, this is the case even for socially skilled individuals who are otherwise reasonably confident in themselves.

I sought out a young 25-year-old single woman we know and asked her what she thought about this. She has great interpersonal skills, so I was surprised when she agreed. She sent us this message: “I’m so glad you’re taking the time to look into and speak into this phenomenon. It’s so important to figure out and do something about. I don’t like the way social media, the internet, and digital tech have disincentivized us against real, in-person interaction—even something as simple as the self-checkouts at the grocery store! We need to know how to bring the human ‘presence’ element back.” When I asked her for an example of the type of communication skill that she felt she and her friends might want more confidence in, she shared several, including knowing how to go from being friends with someone to taking the next step, or knowing how to turn someone down gracefully.

The report found that roughly two-thirds of singles age 22-35 did not feel confident in some of those basic dating abilities. Only 25% felt confident that they could approach someone they were interested in. Only 37% said they trusted their judgment when choosing a dating partner. Only 34% felt comfortable discussing feelings, and only 36% felt they were good at reading dating social cues.

Is it any wonder that dating might feel risky and cause many people to step back from it?

Why are we in this state?  

One of the key reasons so many Gen Z adults don’t feel confident, is that they have grown up in a world without the prior “trial and error” means of learning the types in-person communication skills needed for dating. In fact, as digital natives, they have grown up with texting, following/unfollowing, swiping, adding, ghosting, and being “left on unopened” (SnapChat slang for someone seeing a Snap and not opening it) as ambiguous and sometimes abrupt social cues.

Previous generations had to nervously walk up and start talking to someone they were interested in. This mortifying process happened at middle school lockers and during awkward phone conversations. We learned we didn’t actually die of mortification. And we also had lots of opportunities to try (and not die)!

But many Gen Zers honed their skill talking to the opposite sex through digital screens, where messages can be curated and edited. That doesn’t work in real life. As one young man put it, “Texting feels way better than talking to someone, because I can read it and revise it before I say it.”

And further, as Gen Zers have left school and entered the work scene, there simply aren’t nearly as many opportunities for trial-and-error interpersonal practice. It’s not like school. You’re not surrounded by dozens of other opportunities for crushes or conversations every day.

Bottom line, many of the normal, face-to-face skills that dating requires may feel harder for Gen Z simply because they are being learned as an adult—without as much opportunity to practice as they might have had in a previous generation. Now, of course, even the most “digital native” single adult will eventually learn additional in-person communication skills at work, and hopefully apply those in their dating life. For example, once you figure out how to kindly turn down a colleague’s business proposal, you can probably figure out how to kindly turn down an expression of dating interest. But by the time that process clicks, the person is years older and moving from their twenties—the “easier” dating years—and into their thirties, when dating can seem even more challenging.

Action #1: Start building some of the dating-specific communication skills

Although a lack of confidence in certain skills is one of the main reasons for the dating recession, it is also one of the main reasons for hope. Why? Skills can be taught. With some creativity, they can be practiced. And confidence can be built.

So here are a few basic steps that will help the single Gen Z adult who resonates with the skills/confidence issue. (Ideas for the friends and parents who love them are outlined in Part 3.) And since we are exploring how to do these things in more detail, we’d love your input via this quick one-minute poll[SF4]  for Gen Z singles or this one-minute poll for parents and the older generation. We want to hear what you think will help!

Step 1: Identify the most important things you want to become more confident in.

What do you feel confident in doing, and what feels a bit awkward or anxious? You may feel totally comfortable making small talk at a church social event, yet freeze at the idea of actually saying, “Want to get a coffee next week?” 

This is not a comprehensive list, but think about ordinary but important communication skills, such as how to:

• start a conversation
• ask good questions
• listen
• read social cues and body language
• determine what kinds of communication work digitally and what is better in-person
• talk appropriately about your feelings and theirs
• show interest without manipulation
• suggest an actual date
• gracefully turn down a request
• raise difficult issues
• discern whether someone is emotionally healthy
• talk honestly about direction as a relationship develops.

Step 2: Pick a few to practice

Here’s where the rubber meets the road. Pick just a few skills to practice. Practice them in non-dating situations (like learning how to kindly turn down the business proposal from the colleague) and, yes, in dating situations.

You can learn a certain type of courage from taking a deep breath and walking into the boss’s office to ask for a raise. But there’s no substitute for taking a deep breath and walking up to the cute guy or gal you’ve been getting to know, and asking, “Since our offices are so close to each other (or since we attend the same church service) want to grab lunch this week?”

Step 3: Get feedback

People who know you can give you meaningful feedback on how you come across. So make sure you seek out that feedback. Ask your roommate, “I know I chatter when I’m nervous. Tell me honestly, do I tend to dominate the conversation instead of giving other people a chance to talk?”

Once you actually practice,get feedback, and practice again, you will get more confident. You will take back so much agency in your dating journey, and be able to create some forward movement rather than always having to wait for others.

Next time in Part 3, we will tackle two more vitally important findings from the “Dating Recession” report, and some additional action steps—both for singles who want to be dating and those who love them. So if you aren’t already on our email list make sure you subscribe so you’ll get the next installment.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Amy Masaschi at [email protected]/.

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