3 Ways to Send Your Kids Back to School with Confidence

There’s something special about the start of a new school year. New backpacks. Fresh notebooks. First-day outfits laid out the night before. Whether your child is starting kindergarten or heading into high school, back-to-school season brings a mix of excitement and anticipation.

But underneath all that excitement, many kids are carrying questions they never say out loud.

Will I make friends? Will my teacher like me? What if I don’t know where I’m going? What if I’m not smart enough? What if I end up sitting alone at lunch?

Research shows that today’s students are facing significant levels of academic stress and anxiety. In one recent study, nearly seven out of ten (68%) students reported moderate to severe academic stress, and nearly half (45%) experienced moderate to severe anxiety related to school.

As parents, our first instinct is often to try make those worries disappear. Sometimes we even become “snowplow parents,” trying to remove every obstacle they’ll face. But since we can’t remove every challenge they’ll face (nor should we try), we can instead actively help them face those challenges with confidence.

With that in mind, here are three practical ways you can help your child walk into the new school year feeling encouraged, equipped, and ready for whatever lies ahead.

1. Build them up in their greatest areas of fear

As parents, especially as our kids get older, it’s easy to assume we know what’s making them nervous about going back to school. Will their friends be in their classes? Will they make grades that allow them to stay on the football team, meet the theater department’s cast eligibility requirements, or get into the college they hope for? While those things certainly matter, they’re often not what’s keeping our kids awake at night. What’s doing that is far deeper and more emotional.

In the research for the book For Parents Only, we found that many boys carry fears of failure, inadequacy, and not measuring up. They want to feel capable, respected, and confident. The guy who is worried about his GPA for the football team often isn’t worried about the grades per se—he’s worried about feeling like a very public failure for not being smart enough to get the grades required to play…and the humiliation of being benched in front of everyone.

Many girls wrestle with their own fears—but the horrible feelings they fear aren’t necessarily the same ones. For them it’s more likely fear of rejection, exclusion, and wondering what people think of them. More than anything, they want to feel accepted, included, and valued for who they are. The girl at risk of being removed from the theater cast for her grades may find that removal embarrassing, but she finds the idea of being excluded from her theater friend group excruciating. She has found a place she belongs and is accepted—and suddenly she may not have that anymore.

This “under the surface” reality about the fears they may be carrying should change the way we encourage our kids. Instead of missing it and simply saying, “Have a great day!” or “You’ll do fine,” we can speak directly into their fears.

So, again, working with the son’s football example above, try to get to the fear underneath the fear. Tell him you’ve seen his character, his perseverance, and his willingness to keep trying, and those qualities matter far more than one grade or one performance. Reinforce the fact that your respect for him has never depended on what he accomplishes. Encourage him to work hard on his schoolwork but to not be paralyzed by fear of failure about it.

If your daughter is anxious about fitting in, losing a friend group, or feeling left out, remind her that her worth isn’t determined by whether everyone accepts her. Encourage her that she doesn’t have to become someone else to belong. The people who truly matter will value her for exactly who God created her to be. And no matter what happens this school year, she’ll always have a place where she’s deeply loved and fully accepted at home.

The goal isn’t to convince our kids they’ll never experience disappointment this school year. The goal is to remind them that they’re capable of facing it. When parents consistently speak confidence into their children, they’re helping replace fear with courage, one conversation at a time.

2. Remind them they’re not the only one feeling this way

One of the hardest things about anxiety is that it convinces us we’re the only one experiencing it.

Your child may look around the classroom on the first day of school and assume everyone else feels confident, calm, and completely put together. Meanwhile, they’re wondering if they’ll fit in, make friends, or accidentally embarrass themselves before lunchtime.

But they’re almost certainly surrounded by classmates asking themselves those exact same questions. In any crowd, based on our nationally representative stats for our teenage research projects, it is likely that only about 10-15% of kids don’t have those concerns! So tell your kids to look at any group of 100 people and think to themselves (for example): They don’t look like it, but at least 85 of these people are just as nervous as me.

Helping your child realize they’re not alone can be incredibly freeing. It shifts their mindset from “What’s wrong with me?” to “Maybe everyone is feeling a little nervous today.” And when that happens, something else becomes possible—something that is an antidote to nervousness and anxiety: kindness.

Instead of walking into school wondering, “Will someone talk to me?” encourage your child to ask, “Who can I talk to?” Instead of worrying about whether they’ll be included, challenge them to look for someone who may be standing alone. Sometimes the fastest way to feel less alone is to help someone else feel seen.

My friend Katie Kenny Phillips wrote about the power of kindness during the back-to-school season, but one simple idea is worth repeating here: kindness doesn’t have to be complicated to make a difference. Smiling at someone new, inviting a classmate to sit with them at lunch, or learning one new person’s name may seem like small gestures, but they have the power to change someone’s entire day.

Helping your child become the kind of friend they’re hoping to find not only builds someone else’s confidence—it often builds their own as well.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Amy Masaschi at [email protected]/.

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