5 Quick Steps to Calm a Stressed-Out Child
As parents we’ve all been there. Our child melts down in Target and we’re just trying to calm the hysterics, pay for our cosmetics and ibuprofen (it’s no wonder we need the latter), and make it out alive.
Or our tween’s big worries and big feelings come at bedtime—the night before our big presentation at work. And we have to somehow help them settle without our stress going through the roof, right? Then later, in the teen years, our kids might swing between gruff and sullen or demonstrative and drama-filled.
And no, it’s not your imagination: being a teenager probably is more difficult than it used to be. Pew Research Center published findings showing that 69% of parents and 44% of teens think being a teenager today is harder than it was twenty years ago.
Think about it: Today’s kids just weathered a pandemic, have shooter drills at school, and live in the fishbowl of social media—not to mention the routine stressors kids have always faced as they develop into adults. No wonder anxiety in our kids is on the rise.
Thankfully, we hold tremendous power to help soothe their stress. Here are 5 ways to calm a stressed-out child of any age.
Step 1: Remain Calm
With kids, it’s important to remember that they are, well, kids. They aren’t just miniature adults. Their brains are developing, and their emotions often feel too big for their bodies. They haven’t had the years (or the maturity) to truly understand and cope with stress. Parents, if we freak out it won’t help our kids learn not to stress out.
The tendency to want to freak out is understandable. We love our kids! We’ve spent years protecting them, so it’s easy to smother them with worry or overreact if they’re being treated unfairly (or acting irrationally).
But when we do, our kids shut down right when we most need them to open up. Our research for For Parents Only found that 74% of teens would be more likely to share if they trust that their parents would not “freak out.” Which, to them, means not just strong negative reactions but strong positive ones as well!
Be calm.
If your daughter comes home in a stormy mood and you ask how her day was, only to receive the response of an eyeroll and a “fine,” you might feel put off by her hostility. You may want to scold her. Both are understandable.
But if you regroup and approach her calmly, she’ll be much more inclined to tell you what’s going on.
Step 2: Listen. Really, just listen.
My conversion moment on this came when I was in the middle of three years of conducting and analyzing the research and data for the For Parents Only project.
My daughter, then between the years of age 6 and age 9, would sometimes melt down over insecurities or fears that people didn’t like her. Often, I would urge her to just cheer up. Even worse (face palm) I would try to help her reason her way out of her emotional tailspin. (“Look at all the people who do like you, sweetheart!”)
Meanwhile, in the research, we started hearing from all these tweens and teens about how they just wanted someone to listen to their feelings. It took me a few years but eventually something clunked into place in my brain.
So, sure enough, next time my daughter flopped emotionally down on her bed, I pulled back my tendency to say, “Snap out of it drama queen” (because that would have been helpful), and I just listened. I asked her to tell me how it felt when so-and-so said such-and-such at school. And I listened. I asked her a few more questions about her feelings. And I listened.
As she started to calm down, inside I was thinking, Wow this really does work!
It’s so important to listen to what your child is saying and, more than that, to how they’re feeling. For example, let’s say they’re stressed because they had the flu two weeks ago, missed some school, and feel unprepared for the math exam on Friday. Are they feeling overwhelmed? Inadequate? Frustrated? Knowing how they’re feeling is just as important as why they’re feeling it (and can equip you with the knowledge required to help later on).
It’s instinctual to want to jump into fix-it mode, but that’s not what they need most. It can slide into an argument or shutting down. (This is true with our spouses, too. Look back on my blog 5 Powerful Ways to Stop Arguments Before They Start for ideas on how to handle tense moments in that department.)
To get a sense for what might be going on under the surface, here are two tools. First, if you have littles, my friend and former senior editor Katie Kenney Phillips wrote a beautiful book—and a guest blog—on helping young children understand their feelings. You’ll love her children’s book, Today I Feel Like a Jelly Donut, A Book About Emotions. And if you have older tweens and teenagers, pick up a copy of For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid, which is based on that research study of thousands of teens and tweens.
Step 3: Say the ‘magic phrase.’
Acknowledging our child’s feelings proves we are listening and provides comfort and validation. A recent article in Psychology Today suggests a practical phrase to show this: I see you’re upset right now. I’m here for you.
After all, think about when you are stressed or overwhelmed. Do you like when your spouse or your friends jump right past how you’re feeling and offer solutions? Or do you feel better when there is an acknowledgement that you are upset, and that’s it’s okay to be upset?
Kids are no different. In fact, validating their feelings is probably even more pivotal. Children are learning about this vast world with brains and bodies that are still growing. Knowing that their big, scary feelings are heard, and … okay? What a relief. (And this goes beyond what we can cover here but feeling heard will also help them hear you if you do need to raise issues about—for example—not letting their feelings run their life.)
Step 4: Disconnect from tech
As chronically online people, we have become accustomed to constant connection, information, and overstimulation. This creates a layer of stress that our child is constantly swimming in even before what just happened at school today.
So, once they’ve opened up about how they are feeling and why, see what your child thinks about stepping away from social media and tech at certain hours, on certain days, or for a season. If they are young, you may need to make that decision for them. If they are older, encourage them to make that healthy decision themselves and then help them self-enforce it. This will allow them to revisit the stress-inducing problem in a more level-headed manner.
Here are two ideas:
- Get outside! According to The Child Mind Institute (and numerous other entities), getting outside is an anxiety and stress-reducer in children. Most studies agree that kids who play or hang out outside are smarter, happier, and less anxious than kids who spend a lot of time indoors.
- Get creative. Art and music allow children to express difficult feelings, which can reduce the stress of them.
Step 5: Offer to help.
This is actually the last step for a stressed-out child rather than the first one. Our For Parents Only research found that after we listen to and acknowledge their feelings, 64% of children do want the next step of an offer to help.
So, once your child has opened up to you, and you have helped them clear their mind and relax, then it’s time to brainstorm with them what would be helpful—without rescuing them from something they need to learn how to do on their own. For example, if they are younger, offer to accompany them to talk to their teacher about the math homework; if they are older, offer to help them write an email to advocate for themselves.
Whatever the problem is, they most need to know that they don’t have to face it alone.
As we brainstorm, it’s important for us to avoid sliding into helicopter parenting, hovering over their every move. Turns out, there is a direct relationship between helicopter parenting and kids’ anxiety and depression. Children need to push through hard things—and even fall and fail sometimes—when the stakes are lower. It’s how they’ll develop the emotional muscles they’ll need later in life. (If you even try to clear your kids’ path of every problem they might face, you’ll want to read part one and part two of a series I did last year on snowplow parenting.)
Ultimately, as I hope you can see, all these steps are not just about calming our stressed-out child. They are about helping us learn our kids as they grow, and building the skill of being good at what we most want to do, which is to love our children well.
If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].
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