3 More Ways to Invite Vulnerability in your Marriage (Part 3)

Everyone gets married hoping for closeness and intimacy—a sense that the two really have become one. Readers of faith will recognize that “one-ness” is the description of what God designed marriage to be. (See, for example, Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, and Ephesians 5:31.) Yet some couples find themselves—either immediately or years down the road—feeling like roommates rather than those partaking in that beautiful sense of closeness.

There are many reasons for this that go beyond what we can cover here. And some of them are pretty big: There may be serious mental health issues, abuse, financial devastation, loss, addictions, or other circumstances that make “one-ness” difficult. But one key reason for a lack of closeness is actually really, really simple: we have stopped being vulnerable with one another—or never really started in the first place.

In Part 1 of this series I shared about a landmark research study that found vulnerability and self-disclosure to be essential for building closeness—and how a lack of vulnerability leads to a sense of stagnation. Part 2 outlined three crucial action steps that will help us build (or re-build) a practice of vulnerability. This final article offers three more.

Action step #4:  Treat vulnerability as a skill to build rather than something that “just happens”

You may have read Part 1 and Part 2 thinking, “But I already am vulnerable with my spouse! I’m not trying to withhold anything.” Or maybe you were privately realizing that you have a tendency toward self-protection and have room to grow. Regardless, acknowledge that the practice of vulnerability is a skill that needs to be built. It’s not just an attitude, like “I’m fine with being open!” And it is not something that “just happens.” Rather, it’s a consistent habit and set of practices.

After all, we don’t think of “money management” or “juggling who drives what kid to what activity” as something that “just happens” in our marriage, right? Those things require attention, communication, and a process. Vulnerability with one another requires the same thing.

You may have an attitude of wanting to be transparent and open and have never realized that in practice you really aren’t. So I’d suggest doing two things to start creating that habit.

First, take stock and ask God to show you the ways (and the whys) that you are withholding oneness—or simply not being as transparent as you think. Perhaps you don’t want to share how selfish you feel for being worried about having your elderly parent come live with your family, and what that will mean for your freedom. Or you simply don’t think to mention some “minor” little thing that happened at work or home today that made you really, really happy. (Vulnerability isn’t just about the negative things!) Maybe you try to avoid your spouse seeing your financial purchases, or you haven’t shared your email or phone password because it just feels “intrusive.”

Of course, vulnerability must never be an excuse for control. (Abuse or control are marriage issues that require intervention and go beyond what we can cover here.) But in a relationship of goodwill, sincere oneness cannot happen without ongoing vulnerability. Over time, you can practice letting down the guardrails and getting comfortable with the idea of no secrets.

Secondly, to start actually building that skill, try a simple exercise. Every day for the next two weeks (over dinner, while driving in the car, or while waiting to pick your child up from football), each of you share one thing from your day that was hard, and one thing that brought you joy. Keep it short and real. Over time, you’ll both get used to noticing things you can share with the other—and you’ll notice the connection deepening.

Action step #5: Be vulnerable in minor or amusing things, as a purposeful means of offering intimacy

Self-disclosure doesn’t have to be about big fears or worries. It can be about something positive—or even something frivolous. At the risk of completely embarrassing myself I’ll provide an example that happened while Jeff and I were traveling today to speak at a marriage event. As we headed toward the baggage claim, a song came on the airport playlist. I have heard this song at least twenty times but had only picked up lyrics from part of the chorus. I knew the female artist could NOT be singing what it sounded like she was singing—because it sounded like (don’t laugh): “Garden gnome… are you bringing me a message from the other side? Garden gnome, are you telling me I’m on somebody’s mind?”

Today, I decided enough was enough and asked ChatGPT ‘what song is that?’ and it answered that the song was “Cardinal” by Kacey Musgraves … and that there was a whole Reddit thread devoted to people who thought the song was saying “Garden gnome!”

I thought the whole thing was funny but slightly mortifying— and since I had just been writing this blog on the plane, I decided to be vulnerable and share the incident with Jeff. He, of course, found it to be hilarious as well. He looked the song up on Spotify and we shared a laugh as he listened to it and tried very hard to understand how I could have heard “garden gnome.”

Now, here’s the thing: Is that silly, slightly mortifying moment of connection likely to decrease our intimacy, have no impact on it, or pull us closer together? You may have previously thought something like that would have no impact; but I hope you can now see that what we think of as “frivolous” is actually far, far from it.

All of us want our marriages to grow in intimacy rather than feeling like we’re roommates, or completely disconnected. Hopefully it is encouraging to realize that building that intimacy could be as simple as sharing a fear or worry, or opening a door to a silly moment of vulnerability that we might have kept shut before.

Action step #6: Plan for being vulnerable over the long term

Remember, you are building a new pattern for the long term, not experimenting with vulnerability once or twice to see if it works. If you have gotten out of the habit of this sort of sharing (or if it wasn’t part of your relationship before), don’t be surprised if it takes a while to figure out the best process for you. (And, as noted in Part 1 and Part 2, realize that vulnerability will look different when restoring broken trust.)

Also, keep in mind that if intimacy has faded, your spouse may react with surprise or even skepticism about why you’re suddenly being more open and sharing. That’s okay. Keep pursuing it. It may be a while for the openness to become mutual. But over time, remember that it is indeed highly likely.

Vulnerability: A Powerful Superpower

In marriage, it is so easy to count the cost of being vulnerable—it takes time, intention and courage—but we forget to count the cost of not being vulnerable. We think we’re protecting ourselves by keeping a little distance or holding something back, but in reality, those backup plans quietly erode trust. They create wedges of distance or even suspicion, undermine intimacy, and too often cause the very problems we’re trying to prevent.

After more than two decades of research and nearly 50,000 people surveyed or interviewed, I can say this: intimacy is what we are wanting to build in our relationships, and vulnerability is a key path to get us there.

That’s why vulnerability is one of the most powerful superpowers in relationships. Once you’ve gotten some practice with this, go back and brush up on the other superpowers—gratitude, forgiveness, and curiosity. (On that last one, I wrote about a unicorn-whale—yes, it’s a real thing!—that will teach you more about curiosity than a garden gnome ever could.)

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!