Six Key Priorities to Build Your Family After Adoption

In honor of National Adoption Month, I’ve invited my friend (and adoptive parent) Jennifer Shaw to guest blog this week. Many consider building their families through adoption, but Jennifer’s take on building families after adoption will serve many. Enjoy, and please feel free to share! ~Shaunti

By Jennifer Shaw

Ten years ago, we were raising our three biological children while knee-deep in paperwork to adopt our new son. Noah was nine and a half years old, living in China, and critically ill. We were terrified, but also felt strongly that this was what we were supposed to do. Noah received life-saving care in the U.S., and following that very dramatic year, we returned to China to adopt Ethan, age 8, and Anna, age 6. The next few years were some of the hardest of our lives, but with God’s guidance and a lot of effort, we are in a beautiful place now.

I have learned a lot over this past decade. I have also talked to countless adoptive and pre-adoptive families at my events and heard both what works and what … doesn’t. Here are key priorities that I believe can help adoptive parents intentionally build their families after adoption.

Priority #1: Be child-focused.

When we adopted Noah, I was terrified about what his medical condition might mean for our family, and what his behavior might be. As humans, we often think in terms of “how will this affect me?” But in adoptive parenting, the best approach is always “how do I support this child?” Empathy is key. And ironically, by flipping that natural script of thinking of ourselves and instead concentrating on supporting our child, we are also setting the stage for the relationship to bring the most blessing to everyone.

One hard and unexpected truth for many adoptive parents is that positive feelings for your child may be slow to come. This is normal. Love is an action and a choice, not always an emotion, and usually the feelings follow. I prayed that my heart would feel exactly the same about all my kids, and while it took some time, that prayer has been answered completely. By focusing on what they needed, especially at the beginning, I was able to express love no matter my feelings, which then grew our relationship and allowed the feelings to develop.

Priority #2: Understand trauma, healing, and felt safety.

There is no adoption without trauma. Even an infant adopted from the hospital will have effects from losing their biological mother. Adoption itself is a trauma. Our kids lost everything they had ever known, and going to a new country with strangers and no shared language was frightening. Any child who needs a new family will have some trauma behind that reality. It is vitally important that adoptive families are educated about trauma—not to be afraid of it, but to better understand their child’s challenges, and to support healing. Trauma doesn’t have to define your child’s life. But we can’t help our children heal what we don’t acknowledge.

There is often a very simplistic understanding of adoption. People say, “Just love them!” That’s not bad; an adoptive parent should love their child. However, that’s the wrong place to start. A child must first feel safe. A child who does not feel safe cannot feel your love. It takes time to build a relationship of safety and trust, especially with a child who has had their trust broken. For children with PTSD, trauma comes out as fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Your child may not understand their own responses, and they may never tell you what is happening internally. Adoptive parents must prioritize felt safety.

All behavior is communication. Sometimes kids from traumatic backgrounds don’t have words, so instead they hide or fight or try to be perfect. Understanding what’s behind the behavior can let you help them. Safety is the key to building trust, and trust is the key to building love. 

Priority #3: Play the long game.

Keep a long-term view of your goals for your child and your relationship. One of the hardest things for me was not to operate from fear and the need for control because we had been told so many horror stories about older-child adoption. Operating from fear was actually the worst way to approach things. When I instead chose to believe that my kids were trying their best and I reacted with curiosity, it helped them and me.

Remember that trust takes a long time to build and can be broken in an instant. I resolved never to yell at my kids, to find things to celebrate about them even when it was challenging, and to be intentional about “catching” them doing things well. Be loyal to your kids. Tell them you like them and love them, and tell them why. Choose your discipline wisely and gently; everyone has to be kept safe, but there is no reason to shame a child. Be their advocate always and be stubborn in this in the best way.

And when things are difficult, take a break, take a breath, and think outside the box. Our kids have had experiences that we can’t always imagine, and sometimes we can’t get to a solution without trying a new approach.

Priority #4: Always give the “why.”

There is not really room for “because-I-said-so” parenting in adoption. Tell your kids why your family does the things they do. Tell them the benefit to them. Even if your child was adopted from your city, they are coming from a place that likely did things differently than you. Your kids feel safe when you help them understand your expectations and when they know you are looking out for them.

Adoptive parents can help our kids by giving the “why” for everything. Why should we try to get good grades? Why should we eat together? Why do Americans like football? Why do we have this goofy family tradition? This has fostered so much communication and also has taught my kids that they are always safe to ask questions.

Priority #5: Support identity/culture.

For many adoptees, there are unknowns, and these can leave big holes. This is true for our kids, so we celebrate all the things we do know. We celebrate their Chinese heritage and culture. We support their traits and interests, and let them know that they are made uniquely by God on purpose and for a purpose.

Before adopting, I asked as many adult adoptees as I could find what they either appreciated the most or wished their adoptive parents had done differently. In the international adoption community, the answer I got repeatedly was about the value of keeping their original language. Because of this, we have our kids in Chinese school on the weekends, both to keep language and to connect with their culture. 

Priority #6: Find support.

Finally, it’s so important to find support. It can feel lonely to be an adoptive parent. Find the people who understand. We were blessed to have supportive family and friends, but many people aren’t as lucky. Find an adoption support group at your local church or in the community. Take advantage of every possible avenue for help including therapy, individual education programs, and medical interventions. And pray continually. God’s help, wisdom, and guidance have been the most important source of support for me personally. 

This past August we moved our son Noah to college. We celebrated his “Plus One” day—the day that he had been with us one day longer than he hadn’t—just one week earlier. To see our son now healthy and so confident of his place in our family, and excited and ready to see what God has for his future, is still breathtaking to me. We’ve come so far, and I am so very grateful for the privilege of being a mom to all my kids.

---

Jennifer Shaw is a Telly Award winning speaker, Amazon bestselling author, singer, songwriter and five-time Top 40 Billboard artist. Jennifer holds a Master of Arts in Biblical Studies from Moody Theological Seminary as well as a Master of Music in Music Performance from the Manhattan School of Music. For more information, please visit jennifershaw.com.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!