Fatherhood Goes Viral: Dave Barnes Ponders the Laboratory Called Home

This week’s Father’s Day guest blog comes to you from singer/songwriter and co-host of the Dadville podcast Dave Barnes. I love his take this week on how home is like a lab (social media loved it too, because the post went viral)! Dave is heartfelt and hilarious, and I hope you’ll check out his music and his podcast. -Shaunti

By Dave Barnes

If I had known I would go viral I would have fixed my hair. Or at least not had on a sweatshirt. But the viral gods care not if you are ready when they decide to shine upon you.

“Dave!” you may be saying, “That’s AMAZING—what song were you playing in the video? A classic like “God Gave Me You”? Or one of your new songs? Or perhaps you were doing one of your weird, ridiculous characters?”

None of the above. The viral gods don’t let you choose content. It was just a little video on parenting that I posted on Instagram on a whim one day. All I did was riff a little bit on how our homes are really just like labs.

You can go find the whole thing, but here is part of what I said:  

“When they (your kids) go out in the world and you’re like—wow, what a sweet kid and the teacher speaks so well of them, or they have good friends and people wanna be with them— that’s real life. The house is not real life. That’s the workshop. Remember that and be encouraged by that because it’s gonna be hard—it’s supposed to be hard—but that’s our job to help guide and shape. You’re doing a good job. Keep doing it.”

Here’s the back story. I had just gotten back from school with one of my kids. This specific kid/sometimes-Genghis-Khan child had been so not great at home that morning—a real pain in the rear, in fact. Later that day we headed to school and as we were walking around the school, this child (no specifics on which kid to hopefully save me on their counseling bill later) walked around hugging friends, saying hi to teachers, etc. At one point, a teacher pulled me to the side and commented on just how great this kid was.

Was I confused? Not really, because this child is a wonderful kid. But a great child at home? Not always. I had a revelation that morning: Our kids are the better version of themselves everywhere but at home.  

The bad news? They really let their freak flag fly at home.

The good news? They don’t let it fly much anywhere else.

Why is this true? Because home is the lab. It’s where they are figuring out who they are and how to be. And isn’t that—get ready to grimace—true of us too?

Our kids are going to be more impatient, rude, mean, gross, disrespectful at home. Basically, they’re like little pirates. But here’s the thing: Where else can they be that? What setting could possibly be better for them to figure out how to be human. Isn’t that sort of our job as parents? To be guides to these little, wonderful, weird, life-siphoning, smaller, newer versions of us?

Now, this is not saying they don’t need to be held accountable, disciplined, and helped to see the consequences of their actions and words. But there is wisdom in realizing we are the teachers, and our home is the lab.

So, I Googled the purpose of a lab, and this is what Google told me:

“The primary purpose of a lab is to provide a dedicated space for conducting scientific experiments and investigations. Labs facilitate research, measurement, and data analysis, allowing for the exploration of scientific concepts and the development of skills in observation, data collection, and critical thinking.”

I mean. Wow. Reads like I wrote it to make my point, doesn’t it?

Labs are for experimentation, testing hypotheses, hands-on learning, developing skills, critical thinking, and preparation for the future. So, in honor of Father’s Day, let’s play a fun little game here. Let’s see what happens if we look at what happens in a lab as if it’s happening in our homes.

Experimentation – The home is the controlled environment where kids learn to manipulate variables, collect data, and observe outcomes. In other words: What works? What makes my brother mad? What gets me what I want? What happens when I yell at Mom? What does it look like to say something nice to Dad?

Testing hypotheses – At home, kids can test predictions and theories. I bet Mom won’t care if I do this. Or, I don’t think my brother will mind if I use his toys. And, obviously, I wonder if I can get away with this? etc.

Hands-on learning – What better place than home for children to learn through practical experience. They can learn the value of hard work by taking over the lawn work (hint, hint dads—use the Father’s Day card this weekend!) Where else can they learn consequences (If I’m not ready on time, I miss my bus) when the stakes are low?

Developing scientific skills – The home “lab” is where kids observe, measure, analyze data and try experimental techniques. In other words, this is where they learn to understand the world. They ask questions (so. many. questions.) They learn (sometimes under duress) to cooperate. They learn in a safe place that they can fail and recover, fail again and recover.

Critical thinking – Within your home’s four walls—the one place where kids can get things wrong, change their minds, or grow without social ridicule—kids learn to think critically and draw conclusions. Maybe my assumption that my brother is a jerk wasn’t right after all. Maybe Mom really is on my side. Next time my sister is having a rough morning, I’ll remind her she looks nice. She liked that.

Preparation for the future – The skills and knowledge children gain in their wonderfully weird home labs prepare them for future school experiences, jobs, life, break-ups, mess-ups, friendships, marriage, and ultimately their own parenting journeys—where they get to watch their own Genghis Khan-kids throw tantrums, say sorrys, and eventually become … human.

It’s pretty helpful to think of home as a lab, isn’t it? Beakers (or windows) might break. Tempers may flare like hot chemicals over butane burners. But at the end of the day, home is the lab. It’s where our kids are figuring out how to be themselves. What a privilege to help them.

As parents, home is where we want to let our guard down. Let’s create that kind of lab for our kids, too. Dads, you can do this! Let them fail. Correct them without crushing them. The lab is a gift! A place where we can discipline and encourage our kids—ultimately helping them grow in the right direction.

None of this behind-the-scenes stuff will go viral. And dads, most of it will probably happen when your hair is messed-up or you’re wearing sweatshirts. But if your kids feel comfortable enough to let it all hang out … if they let their guard down enough to figure things out with you around … take that as the ultimate encouragement that you’re doing a good job.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

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