8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 2)

Expectations are appropriate in marriage, right? Things should be a certain way.

We stepped on a landmine and we’re not even three sentences into the blog. Should. What if our “shoulds” are leading to unnecessary unhappiness? More to the point, what if we have expectations of our spouse that they are just not wired to meet?

As I wrote in part 1 of this expectations series, much of the unhappiness we experience in marriage is due to unhelpful expectations. We introduced this topic last time with four false expectations that women tend to bring into marriage. This week we’ll look at four unhelpful expectations that men often bring into marriage.

As I mentioned last time, these expectations are by no means universal. But much research shows that the patterns we’ll cover today are common to men. So, guys, listen up and save yourselves some confusion as you head into marriage. Learn how to help your expectations meet reality. (And, if you know a young newlywed or engaged couple, please forward this content to them. They will be so glad.)

Expectation #1: We’re going to have an always-on sex life

His bold assumption: Now that we’re married—especially if we waited for marriage to have sex—she’s going to want me sexually all the time.

Reality: “The sex shop isn’t open 24/7.” This was the hilarious observation of my co-host Brian Goins on a Married With Benefits podcast episode that aired last summer. In fact, he went on to say that he learned early in marriage that sex “is more like an old-time bank, where the shop closes down a lot sooner than you think. There are unexpected holidays. The bank teller has a headache….” Hilarious? Maybe. True? Probably. (That said, 24% of women in our Secrets of Sex & Marriage research were the “higher desire” partner and the ones wanting the sex shop to be open more!)

What to do: Be honest about where your expectations are coming from. Just as we nudged women to understand last week that, contrary to rom-coms, guys aren’t inherently wired to draw you into a warm embrace in the heat of conflict, guys may have drawn false expectations about sex from pornography, locker rooms or pretty much any movie that depicts the lead-up to an intimate moment. As Brian observed on our podcast, before you question your spouse, question where you’re getting your expectation from.

I don’t want to be a commercial here, but I really encourage young couples to pick up a copy of Secrets of Sex & Marriage. I can’t tell you how much heartache couples could avoid if they learned their sexual desire type early in marriage. (And if you don’t know what we mean by “desire type,” you need to!)

Expectation #2: She’ll give me the space I need to process conflict.

His bold assumption: When she walks away from an argument, she’s giving me space.

Reality: She wants you to follow her!

What to do: In most cases of conflict, guys appreciate the opportunity to pull away for a time. So if your wife pulls away, you might think, “Thank goodness, I need to get alone to process.”  Or “Whew, I’m so tired, and now I can get some sleep and think about it in the morning.” But before you retreat happily to your man cave or roll over to your side of the bed, abort, abort, abort!

Instead: Engage with her, if only for 30 seconds to offer quick reassurance. This can be as simple as, “I need time away from the conversation to think. Let’s pick this back up tomorrow morning. But in the meantime, listen, I love you and we’ll figure this out.” You will get the space you need to process, and your wife won’t stay up all night questioning whether your relationship is okay.

Expectation #3: I’m marrying the next Top Chef!

His bold assumption (and we are saying this out loud because lots of men won’t—even when the expectation is buried in there somewhere): My wife will be this amazing cook and will love being in the kitchen.

Reality: More than likely, one or all of three things will happen, especially if both of you work full time: You’ll trade off cooking, neither of you will be super-excited about having to prepare meals (especially after a long workday) and neither of you will prepare meals like the food creators on TikTok.

What to do: Consider whether a meal subscription service or some other creative solution is the way to go—especially to avoid subconsciously expecting your wife to do more of the meal work. Now, some of you just automatically resisted that idea, and thought to yourself, “Yeah, but that’s expensive and we shouldn’t have to do that!” But stop and remember the point behind this blog: Is the word “should or shouldn’t” setting you up for dashed expectations in your relationship? Before you reject the idea, consider who you are actually married to. Did your wife grow up learning to cook? Does she even like it? Was your mom amazing in the kitchen—and now you’re placing that expectation on your wife? Ask yourself lots of questions, give her space to be honest about her expectations, and be willing to get creative on this one.

Expectation #4: She’ll understand that I need to work long hours because I’m working hard to provide.

His bold assumption: My wife needs security, and I want to give that to her, so she’ll be okay with me working late.

Reality: According to our research, 70% of married women said if they had to choose financial security or security in their relationship, they would choose to give up the finances if that was what it took to have enough time together.

What to do: Talk to your wife about what kind of security she’s looking for. Your wife may be in the 30%, and you won’t know that until you ask. But as noted, in our research for For Men Only, we found that more than any “thing” you could provide, it’s highly likely that your wife would rather give up some sense of financial security—or downsize your family’s lifestyle—if this meant you could be home more with the family.

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Whew. We made it. Eight expectations up and eight expectations down. It’s good to think about these once in a while, right? Whether you’re newly married, longtime married, or in pre-marital counseling, we can save ourselves much heartache by stopping to ask questions.

So here’s a quick checklist for you:

• Have you named your key expectations?
• Have you personally examined if they’re even realistic?
• Have you talked about them with your spouse or fiancé?

Here’s the bottom line: view your expectations with more suspicion than you view the other person!

All of us, every day, have a choice to love our imperfect partners or expect them to be someone they’re not. The choice to love will cover so much of the other stuff.

Let’s make that choice.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

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