Why Can’t My Husband Seem to Take Criticism (and Why Does He Shut Down?) 

“Why does my husband seem so ‘fragile’?” 

The words hung there on the jumbo screens during a live, interactive segment of a marriage conference I led with Jeff last year. Other audience members typed similar anonymous questions, which popped up onto the screen in real-time:  

• “Why does he view helpful ideas at home as criticism?” 

• “Why does he shut down in an argument?” 

The audience skewed pretty young (probably 90% were in their twenties and young thirties), but these young wives and fiancés were asking age-old questions. Two pretty important misunderstandings that Jeff and I see at every event where we do this sort of anonymous Q&A were surfacing. 

Based on nationally representative research for my bestselling book For Women Only—and from interviews and surveys with more than 20,000 men over the years—I’ve been able to peer deep into the inner lives of men. And here, according to the research, are two fundamental misunderstandings that were driving their questions: 

1. Misunderstanding #1: Men are prideful and have a big ego, so they can’t stand to be questioned 

2. Misunderstanding #2: Men avoid issues by checking out 

Wives, underneath these assumptions and misunderstandings there are some really, important truths about what is going on inside our men that we have to grasp in order to know what to do about it.  

What’s really going on 

First, I’ll summarize quickly what’s driving these two sensitive areas, then get to the actions that will transform the situation. 

Inadequacy 

This may go against every assumption you have about the male ego, but here goes. Rather than having a big ego and feeling like he is “all that,” your husband may be feeling inadequate. We covered in my last blog how the heart cry of a woman tends to be “Am I loveable?” But the heart cry of most men is “Am I able? Do I measure up?”  

For men, imposter syndrome is always right there, at chin level. For some men, it’s at eye level! Feelings of inadequacy rise up far more often than we realize.  

So, if men are at work all day slaying dragons (or trying to) but then come home feeling like they don’t parent right, can’t sort the laundry lights and darks right, and are getting reminded for the 17^th time that they haven’t even done a task (much less haven’t done it right), they will feel the weight of not measuring up. What a wife might offer as just a suggestion or sincere desire to “help” (“you should have done it this way”) is often nicking a man’s deepest nerve. (Oof. Does that sound familiar.) 

‘Checking Out’ 

You may see them as avoiding issues or “checking out,” but often it is something else entirely. Most men need to step away from an argument to process. They often have to think things through before they can talk things through.  

As I wrote two weeks ago in my blog “Why Doesn’t My Wife Feel Secure,” most women are verbal processors who want to talk things through … where at least three out of four guys need to retreat during an argument to process things alone.  

There are exceptions, of course, but this general pattern boils down to brain science. For most male brains, the most fluid processing is done internally as the men do a sort of internal chess match to think things through. (“If I do X, then I have to have done Y before that … but then that means Z has to happen over here …”) Some of you women (perhaps 20-25%) understand this instinctively, because you are internal processors too. 

Add to that the fact that the male brain is truly wired to do one thing at a time. For example, most men prefer to think about something or deal with emotions or talk about something, but because of their wiring they prefer to not do all that at the same time. (By contrast, the female brain is wired to do all three at once.) As a result, it usually works better for them to retreat to think things through first.  

Here’s the great news: small adjustments will really support the men we love. Here are four simple steps you can take starting today that will help your husband seem less “fragile” and more fortified (steps 1 and 2) and less “avoidant” and more present (steps 3 and 4). 

Step #1: Don’t major on the minors. 

If a man hears dissatisfied comments about how he loads the dishwasher—or worse, how he interacts with the kids—it is likely he will eventually step back. 

Here’s why: If men feel like they are always trying and failing, it becomes too painful for them to try again. They might even say something like “Fine! You do it,” and walk away. They’re not being overly sensitive. They really feel like they can’t get it right. 

So, wives, let’s ask ourselves: who cares if the dishwasher isn’t loaded the “right” way? (It’s loaded! Just add soap, press start, and say thank you.) And it doesn’t matter that your son “grew out of” the book your husband is reading to him. They’re both having fun, and your son is loving the quality time with his dad.  

Let the minor things go. Avoid the knee-jerk tendency to regularly second-guess. You might think you’re just offering suggestions, but research shows he hears it as criticism. 

Step #2: Help guard his heart.  

Believe it or not, your man’s heart is a very tender place. It’s so tender that he puts walls around it to almost everyone on the planet … except you. You have an opportunity to be the safest person in the world to him—the one that causes him to feel like it’s okay to lower his guard. The one who has his back (and protects his heart) no matter what. 

Most men (76% in my nationally representative survey) confessed to this internal vulnerability. So, while your man may project confidence, its likely he actually feels that inadequacy we talked about earlier. He feels it far more often than we may realize—and it is also far more painful for him than we may realize.  

Step #3: In conflict, give him time to process. 

If we work with the way our man is wired, we’ll be far happier—and he will be, too. This may mean giving him time and space to process his thoughts during an argument. 

In fact, you man’s jaw might drop to the floor if, in the middle of a conflict, you said something like: “I want to keep talking about this, but would it help you to take a break and do something else before we talk some more?” 

Pro tip: show your man my recent blog  about what you probably need—so he knows what to do before he withdraws! 

Step #4: Let him know you believe in him. 

In the daily things of life, let your man know you’re on his side! Instead of accidentally sending a signal that he’s not good enough, look for daily ways to assume the best in him and show him appreciation. 

This can be as easy as saying two words. According to our research, most men are powerfully impacted by simply hearing “thank you.” But there are plenty of related phrases that fill his heart and that he can’t hear enough: 

• Thank you for tucking the kids into bed. You’re such a good dad. 

• I’m proud of you for how you solved that crisis at work. 

• It means so much to me that you work so hard to provide for us. I know things at work have been rough recently, and I really, really appreciate it. 

One final word: if you can find authentic moments to share thoughts like these in public, your man’s chest size may grow two inches. Knowing that you believe in him—and you’re willing to put that out there to friends or co-workers—will go farther than you can imagine. 

I hope you see, maybe for the first time, that your man is probably the farthest thing from fragile or over-sensitive. It’s just that that strong and capable man you love is the most open and vulnerable to words of care or criticism from one person in his life: you.  

If you found the content in this two-part blog series helpful, I unpack these principles and dozens of others in much greater detail in my books For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men and For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women. Pick up copies and talk through them together. You’ll be glad you did! 

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

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