Taking Care of Yourself Matters This Summer—for a Different Reason Than You Think

I noticed something as I was out walking with friends one recent evening. A few weeks before—at the height of the end-of-school rush—the sidewalks and walking paths had been mostly empty. But now that summer break was well underway, they were packed.  Some couples strolled hand in hand, and others intently power-walked. Moms and dads pushed strollers or were followed by children on scooters. Several jogging groups ran by. A few people walking dogs stopped to chat with other dog owners.

It made me happy to watch dozens of people of all ages out being active. And often, active together.

And then I felt convicted. I personally haven’t been active nearly enough like that lately. I’m not a big couch potato, but all too often you’ll find me planted in front of my laptop on a deadline. Walking with my friends has very much been the exception rather than the rule.

For those of us who are not as active as we want to be, let’s challenge ourselves this summer.  And I don’t mean “challenge ourselves to do a triathlon”—although if that’s your jam, have at it!  I literally just mean adding some additional activity into our lives. Which matters for all sorts of reasons—but one of them is far more important for your marriage than you realize.

The bottom line: Taking care of yourself says “I love you”

Don’t throw things at your screen. That was a hard sentence for me to type, too. But even if we don’t want something to be true, it’s important to acknowledge that it could be.

Over years of research, I’ve heard time and again that when a husband or wife are willing to be active and take care of themselves, it signals that they care not only about their health, but also about their mate. How?

Well, it’s a bit like what we found in our Thriving in Love & Money research: tension around money is not about the money. It is about how money makes us feel. And it’s the same thing when it comes to taking care of ourselves: our feelings about it point to something much deeper.

Being active, eating well, and paying attention to basic health issues assuages some real under-the-surface insecurities, fears and questions. A young spouse who worries about how much channel-surfing their partner is doing isn’t just concerned about the wear and tear on the sofa cushions. They are wondering: Does my mate care about being active and together with me, not just now but decades into the future? An older spouse who sees their mate avoiding going to the doctor might be wondering: Does my mate care about me enough to do what they can do to be healthy and present with me for the long haul?

If you are pursuing healthy habits and activities together, it signals, I want to be with you and I care about you. A spouse not making the effort sends a sneaky, negative message that they don’t really care. 

Most people deeply care about their spouse and would neverwant to send a damaging signal. But certain actions (or lack thereof) come with certain messages whether we want them to or not.

So here are three key findings from our research that might help each of us commit this summer to a new focus on taking care of ourselves, as a specific means of building up our relationship.

Finding #1: The effort is what matters 

I will confess that I used to have a negative, knee-jerk reaction to this topic—one that many of you may be having right now, too. But my quick flinch was based on a misunderstanding.

We tend to assume that “taking care of ourselves” means going to the gym every day, looking like a model, or being the picture of perfect health. And yet, that is usually not what matters to our spouse. Most of the time, it is simply seeing us put in the effort that matters to them.

I’ve had hundreds of research conversations with both men and women about this, not to mention input from a national survey. And the vast majority simply do not expect their spouse to magically look like a Hollywood icon. They just want to see the person that they married take care of themselves in ways that boost their health and keep them active for the long haul.  

We have heard so many times that one spouse would absolutely love it if their mate would have the interest and energy to play pickleball with them, go bowling, or walk together after dinner.  As couples get older, we heard regularly about the emotional impact of a spouse’s willingness to see the doctor [LD6] about that mysterious heartburn or get some physical therapy on their back rather than gutting it out. When someone shows that they are not too stubborn to seek and follow medical recommendations, it tells their mate that they want many more years together—and want to make their spouse feel secure.

All these are simple, but they are examples of the things that say, “I love you.”

Finding #2:  Our efforts create a positive emotional and physical spiral

One factor that is often overlooked in creating good mental health—and good relationships—is a healthy sense of confidence. For example, if we are secure in our identity as a child of God, we will be far less insecure and clingy with our spouse—and far better able to confidently and kindly address issues with them that need to be addressed.

Well, it may sound like a minor thing, but we all tend to feel better about ourselves when we make an effort to be healthy, right? It’s harder to feel good about ourselves when we’re inactive, we feel sloppy, and our bodies are begging us to eat right and exercise. And it’s easier to feel good about ourselves when we force ourselves to get up off the couch, trade babysitting with a friend, and go to an exercise class.

Healthy self-confidence also creates a positive spiral in other ways.

For example, when we feel healthy, fit, and more confident we are also more likely to want to go out and do things with our spouse. It might be something big like a vacation at the beach or simply the daily action of taking the dog and the kids to the park. In the research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, we found that the happiest couples tended to view their spouse as their best friend—and just hanging out together gave them a greater sense of closeness.

As another example, feeling good about ourselves can also translate into the bedroom and help us build regular intimate connection, which, in our research for Secrets of Sex and Marriage, we foundwas usually a protective factor for the relationship.

Finding #3: Your spouse wants to help you on your journey

Another key finding from our research is that, in nearly all cases, the average spouse is more than willing to help their mate on their journey to better health.  I’ve heard many people mention that they would be delighted to watch the kids so their husband or wife could hit the gym or go to the summer workout in the park.

So, I’d suggest this activity if you are married and want to figure out how to get a bit healthier together: Sit down together and discuss what each of you needs from each other to be successful.

Summer months tend to offer a unique opportunity to get active. So, who’s with me? Let’s use this time to build a new habit physically—and reap the benefits in our relationship as well.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Amy Masaschi at [email protected]/.

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