10 Things I Would Do Over as a Stepmom

Readers frequently write in to request help and tips for stepfamilies, and so I am honored to bring you a guest blog this week from author and speaker Debbie Alsdorf. Author of Beyond the Brady Bunch, Debbie carefully and honestly leads us into this topic — and I hope the lessons she learned will benefit you (or help you see friends or family in a fresh light).

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By Debbie Alsdorf

As little kids, I don’t suppose any of us dreamed about growing up one day to be a … stepparent. My own entrance into the world of stepparenting came after a painful and unwanted divorce.

After a season of grief and single-parenting, I met my new husband, and we were ridiculously in love. All I wanted was to love him and all that were his, including his two young daughters. With my two young sons, we resembled the Brady Bunch — a television show where two families merged and lived happily ever after.

I quickly learned that The Bradys were only on television. Reality proved that blending two lives, histories, and families was not easy. It was hard, heartbreaking, and filled with missteps. Now married thirty-four years, my husband and I have watched our blended family of six grow to twenty-one, complete with eleven grandchildren. We are not a perfect family and we still navigate problems after all these years.  

In the hope of helping others through uncharted stepfamily waters, I am sharing the top things I would have done differently. If you see yourself in any of these scenarios, I won’t sugarcoat it: Stepparenting can be hard. In the early days, sometimes the disappointment was so intense that I wanted to quit! But hard things can lead us into holy places if we let them. 

Here are my top ten mistakes—with ideas on how you might avoid them: 

1. Assuming we would be one big new, happy family 

The fact that family harmony wasn’t automatic dashed my dreams. Yet reality tells us that stepfamilies are built on a foundation of loss—either death or divorce. I’ll say that again, because it’s that important: stepfamilies are built on a foundation of loss. Even though my husband and I were elated over our second chance at love, our children carried unspoken grief that they didn’t fully understand. The tangle of childhood emotions and loyalties can keep stepchildren suspicious of the new stepparent and the new stepsiblings, creating a recipe for one big stressful situation rather than one big happy family. A reality check and compassion for the kids and what they were going through would have gone much further than sights that were set on adult ideas and dreams.

2. Pretending that I was the real mom 

I cried the day my husband proposed to me. They were tears of joy because I loved him and because I always wanted little girls. I had visions of bows, Barbies and giggly sleepovers. Being a boy mom, the thought of also being a girl mom sounded dreamy. Trouble was, I was not the girls’ mom. They had a mom who loved them and the best I could do was to learn to support her and be a bonus in their lives. When a stepmom sees herself as a bonus to a child’s life, there are limitless possibilities that do not threaten the maternal bond they already have with their mama. 

3. Living as if my children’s stepdad was enough 

Once we married, my new prince moved us into his house and soon, we bought our own family “castle.” The future looked bright, and I slipped into expecting my boys to treat my new husband like he was the “real” dad. Big mistake because, obviously, they had a dad. Once I came to my senses, I made an effort to have them remember their dad by acknowledging the things he did and the money he sent for their care. Divorce didn’t change that my sons needed their real dad. Always have and always will. 

4. Relinquishing discipline of my natural children too soon 

Let’s face it—what single mom doesn’t want some help? I said, “I do,” and then I turned discipline over to the stepdad. Again, big mistake! Children must develop a relationship with the stepparent before that adult can have a say in their lives. This takes time. Truth is, the biological parent would be wise to remain the disciplinarian for the first couple of years, while the stepparent is building history and relationship. Rules can be decided in private by both adults but enforced by the biological parent. I would have saved us all a lot of messes if I had known this. 

5. Living in my emotions 

Sometimes we hold on to hurt and act in ways that don’t honor God. As I mentioned above, stepfamilies are built on loss, and with loss comes varying forms of grief and emotion. The adults are dealing with their own heartache and triggers—while the children often act out based on hurts they can’t yet process or understand. The new stepparent represents loss. It’s key here for stepparents to not take it personally when you are misunderstood, accused of something you didn’t do, or not appreciated for all that you do. When we live in our emotions or stay in them too long, everyone suffers.

6. Not choosing my words about my child’s other parent or my stepchild’s parent with great care 

This is one of the most detrimental things we can do as a stepparent. When you speak negatively about their parent, you are, in effect, speaking negatively about the child, because half of your child is the other parent! As a stepparent we owe it to ourselves and the health of the new stepfamily to guard our tongues. No name calling, bad mouthing, or complaining in front of the kids. Look for the good and speak the good. Talking poorly about the other parent doesn’t hurt them as much as it hurts you in the end. The children will resent the things you said, and it will be hard to unwind. Trust me on this. 

7. Playing the game of hurt with either ex 

The ex didn’t do the thing they promised — again. You’re frustrated and it’s natural to want to strike back, but remember the children are the only ones hurt in these types of crossfires. The best thing any of us can do is to aim for positive co-parenting. And when that is not possible? Take the high road. Always take the high road — the God who sees in secret will reward the higher path you’ve taken. The blending of families takes time. Sometimes they don’t blend. In either case, God can be trusted with our hearts and lives. 

8. Being hurt, jealous, or petty over childish things 

I remember when one of my stepchildren didn’t want to touch me, plastering herself against a wall so that when I walked past her, we wouldn’t touch. It hurt me so much that I went in my room and cried. I was shocked that I took a nine-year-old’s actions so personally. There comes a point where we must choose to look beyond and let go of the things hurting children do. We need to be the adults. 

9. Being mad at my husband because he got upset with my kids 

The biological bond is strong. The things we can overlook because of that bond are not often overlooked by someone coming in without the biological filter. I didn’t know how to separate myself from my husband’s feelings about my children’s behavior, and I internalized those feelings as if they were about me. This caused many fights and endless problems. This was a hard hurdle to get over. 

10. Not acknowledging that God has placed me in the life of my stepchild 

I started off marrying my new prince and thinking it was all about our happily ever after. But it’s not about us. It’s about a bigger picture. God has placed us in the lives of our stepchildren. They might act like they hate us — they don’t; they are just confused and hurt. We can make a difference by accepting and loving them. Embrace God’s bigger picture. I had to learn to move beyond myself.  

In the above stepparenting pitfalls, these four things helped pave the way to moving forward:

• Acceptance — I learned to accept that life doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful. 
• Surrender — I had to prioritize yielding my heart and hurts to God daily. 
• Humility — I learned to admit when I am wrong, ask forgiveness, and forgive others. 
• Higher-road living—Remember there is a bigger picture and God sees every piece in our family puzzle. 

I hope they help you pave a positive way, too.

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Debbie Alsdorf is a cheerleader of hope and the author of books including The Faith Dare, Deeper, It’s Momplicated, and Beyond the Brady Bunch. She speaks at women’s events throughout the year, is a literary agent with Books & Such Literary Management, and finds great joy in being Grammy to eleven. Follow Debbie on Instagram @DebbieAlsdorf or on FB @DebbieAlsdorf/author.

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