How to Handle Unmet Money Expectations (Part 1)

This is a two-part series on how to view money as a source of connection instead of conflict. In Part 1, we’ll look at how to honor each other’s values and communicate with curiosity.

Amanda, a young twenty-something woman I was talking to, was a saver. With her aim set on setting aside money to furnish her first apartment, manage her new car payment, and pay off student loans, let’s just say there wasn’t any room in her financial expectations for a … virtual reality set. 

An expensive one. 

The exact one her boyfriend of two and a half years had just purchased. Her boyfriend that she was thinking seriously about marrying someday. Her boyfriend who hadn’t ever mentioned that this major purchase was even an interest, and instead seemed to want the VR set just because he had enough money for it – not because it fit a prudent financial plan for how to handle money. Including, oh, perhaps, saving for an engagement ring?

Suddenly, they were at odds and unhappy because of unmet money expectations.

While researching Thriving in Love & Money, Jeff and I saw this common dynamic atthe root of many financial arguments. And mismatched expectations can trap even those who have been married for decades. (At least that’s what Jeff and I have heard. Because this never ever happens to us.)

The good news is that all of us can get on the same page while deepening our connection.

Let’s use this young couple as a case study and outline five really practical actions that will keep unmet money expectations from sabotaging our relationship at any stage of life. (We’ll cover two this week and three next week.)

Action #1: Plan on valuing different things – and honoring each other’s “why”

This sounds so simple, but . . . we will not always agree. The key is to expect that we will not always agree – and to work to honor what matters to our spouse even as we also expect them to honor what matters to us. After all, their values will usually be just as legitimate as ours.

For example, Amanda places high value on intentional saving, so there is extra money available when she wants or needs something big. Her boyfriend, Joseph, is the opposite. He only gets paid four times a year, so he values being able to make a big purchase when he has the money available and then is okay with eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for several months to stretch his remaining money until the next paycheck.

Now, empirically, we all know (as does he) that there is a need to build up savings. Our Thriving in Love & Money research found that creating some financial margin is crucial for happiness in marriage – because when a need arises, you have the money available and can hammer on the need rather than on each other. So their conflict isn’t purely about unmet expectations. But here’s the key: savers and spenders have to expect and honor each other’s predispositions in order to avoid those unmet expectations to begin with.

Honoring what your spouse values is the first stepto working out a method of joint money management that works for both of you. In other words, the first step is crafting something that does not put just one person in the driver’s seat, while the other person feels like merely a passenger.

Amanda could have acknowledged her disappointment (more on that in a moment) but also created connection by being curious and asking Joseph questions like: “Tell me why this particular gaming system will be especially fun for you,” or “What made you eager to get it now, rather than later?” And he could have acknowledged her legitimate concerns about the timing of the purchase, and asked, “What is it about me spending this money now that especially worries you?”

Honoring the “why” behind the other person’s saving and spending habits will help us avoid unmet expectations – because we expect those factors from the beginning! (And if you’re a saver, and concerned that I’m equating the two types of factors and thus discounting the need to save, be sure to see Action Step #3 next week.)

Action #2: Communicate your expectations

The suggested questions that Amanda and Joseph could ask each other point to a skill every couple needs to learn: Thinking and communicating about more than just the surface stuff. (“You should wait.” “But I want it.”)

Amanda had many “logical” reasons Joseph should have waited – and had previously hinted at her desire to save for big purchases. So when he bought the VR set, she was understandably upset. But Joseph is a responsible guy, and he cares about what Amanda thinks. So what happened? They each had deeper, and vital, expectations that they had not communicated. So what was oh-so-logical to her wasn’t so logical to him. And vice versa.  

What might they have learned if they had gotten curious and asked one another, “What is the issue under the issue?” If they had really communicated their desires and expectations?

A lot, it turns out. And each of us will similarly learn a lot about one another when we get curious.

Let’s start with what was going on in Joseph’s mind first.

Unbeknownst to Amanda, Joseph had been intently investigating this VR system’s impending release. As he told me, “The YouTube influencers got access to it first, and I watched every second of every single video for months.” Buying the system wasn’t even an option when he didn’t have the money, so it wasn’t an expectation he thought to share out loud. But then he got an unexpectedly large paycheck and did have the money. In his mind, it suddenly became an option, even though he knew he would have very little to live on until the next paycheck. He was okay with that.

Why was he so eager to get it? The coolness of the VR set wasn’t the only reason. Interestingly, he knew Amanda liked gaming and he viewed it as an experience they could share in the years to come. In fact, one of the few games he purchased was one she would enjoy more than he would.

Perhaps more fundamentally, he viewed both gaming and high-energy outdoor activities like sports as a purposeful sort of self-care. Especially since other avenues of de-stressing were not feasible. He said:

“I have dyslexia, so as a stress reliever I can’t read like some people do. And because of living in a house with people who work from home, I can’t just play drums to let off steam like I did in high school. But I can drive a racecar in VR for a couple of hours. It is a way for me to escape.”

For her part, Amanda had a mental list of logical reasons and expectations for Joseph to wait. Most importantly, she had been assuming Joseph was going to be putting all his extra money toward a much more important purchase – an engagement ring. In her words, “When he was totally fine with dropping so much money on the VR set it made me wonder: Is getting engaged not even on his radar in the next few years? I’m not in a hurry, but it suddenly threw me off in terms of what to expect.”

She also was, wisely, trying to avoid a pattern that could cause resentment in the long run:

“I make more money than he does, and we’re both okay with that. But in practice that means that when he has run out of money, if we want to go out to eat or go to a movie, I pay for it. Otherwise, we’re eating sandwiches. And I’m fine with the sandwiches – but I don’t want to set up a dynamic where he starts to expect that I’ll sort of bail him out if he hasn’t managed money.”

As you can tell, both Amanda and Joseph had major – and legitimate – expectations, dreams, and concerns. But they hadn’t talked about those things, instead focusing on the zero-sum question of: “Should Joseph spend X dollars on this item.”

Do any of these dynamics hit home? If so, stop and talk about them. Honoring your significant other’s values and communicating with curiosity can breathe fresh life into the way you approach money together. Next time, we’ll continue this case study and share three very practical ways to use money as a source of connection rather than conflict!

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

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