What Wives Need Most From Their Husbands (Part 2) 

This is the final installment of a multi-part series on what our spouses need, but may not always articulate. In the first and second articles, we focused on what most husbands need. Last week and this week, we peer into the secret, inner longings of most women. 

Men, are you starting to see your wife in a new light after reading last week’s article? Did listening, helping, and simple, non-sexual physical affection seem like they’re more within reach in the “everydayness” of your relationship? 

This week, we’re going to dive deep into what may be the most vulnerable corners of your wife’s heart. As with last week, you will see some ultra-practical action steps, based on twenty years of rigorous research with more than 20,000 women for our books like For Men Only. But I also want to help you understand your wife. The ultimate goal is for you to love each other in ways that help each of you feel loved, and cultivate deeper levels of intimacy in your marriage. 

So keeping in mind that these are statistical generalizations and there are always exceptions, let’s build on last week’s Emotional Needs 1, 2 and 3. Let’s go inside your wife’s heart to the places she may have a hard time telling you about even if you’ve been married for decades. 

Emotional Need #4: To know she’s beautiful in your eyes  

Recently, one of my friends and her husband were getting ready to head to a dinner party. Ten minutes after they had agreed to leave, her husband walked into their bedroom and surveyed the scene. Practically every ensemble his wife owned was strewn onto the bed. She was sweating, awkwardly hooking a clasp on the back of her dress, and lamenting that she “had nothing to wear.” 

And this man did the unthinkable. He came up behind her, gave her a big hug, and told her she looked beautiful.  

Swoon. Let me tell you male readers – nearly every woman who is peeking in on this blog just gave a wistful sigh when they read that line. You can have this same sort of impact on your wife. 

My friend confessed that it hadn’t always been that way in their marriage. For many years, he would have tapped his watch, and in response to her “How do I look?” question, he would have replied, “We’re going to be late honey. I already told you, you look fine.” 

But he had learned one of her deepest needs. To know she is still – after all these years – beautiful in his eyes. Our nationally representative research from For Men Only bears this out. We asked women whether it would matter to be told by their husband or significant other that they are beautiful. Fully 89% of women said it had a deep emotional impact. Only 3% said it didn’t matter to them. 

Practical tips to meet this need: 

• See incidents like the above or phrases like, “I have nothing to wear!” as a giant signal, then reassure your wife she is beautiful to you.  

• Erase “fine” from your vocabulary. Much in the same way that you would sink if your wife said your pay raise was “fine,” many women shrink at that word describing how they look.  

• Find phrases that convey “You look beautiful today.” One husband I know told his wife recently that he loves her eyes. “I loved them in your twenties and I love them now,” he said. She held onto that compliment for weeks! 

• You may think it, but your wife likely needs to hear you say she’s beautiful. No matter how self-assured, mature, or accomplished she is, and no matter how long you’ve been together.  

Emotional Need #5: A sense of deep security – in you, rather than in your finances 

A common misunderstanding men have about their wives is that financial provision makes them feel most loved and secure. Don’t get me wrong – that is much appreciated! But here’s the truth that startles most men: 70% of married women would give up financial security, if that was necessary to get emotional security in the marriage. 

Read that sentence again slowly.  

Think about all those extra hours at work; all the extra nights on the road at just one more construction site. If your wife is like the majority, those extra finances are valued and appreciated . . . but may not be nearly as important to her as your presence.  She may care far more that you are physically and emotionally available to leave work and cheer for your child at the soccer game, than about the extra overtime hours. 

So here are some practical suggestions:  

• Respect her enough to ask her what her priority is – and then believe what she says. In our interviews we have seen that many men don’t believe their wives could really value time over, well, overtime. If she is in the 70%, tell your wife you may need extra encouragement believing this one.  

• Next, ask her what “speaks security” most to her. It may be that she is fine with your extra work hours – but that when you’re home she wants you there rather than gaming or distracted.  

Emotional Need #6: To be shown that she is loved (and loveable) 

It’s no surprise that women feel a need to be loved. (After all, men do, too!) What may come as a surprise to many men, is how easy it is for a woman to question whether she is loved. 

In our For Men Only research, we found that fully 82% of women have an underlying insecurity about whether their men really love them. And here’s the key: this is not necessarily because of you but because of a question that is common in the heart of most women: Am I lovable? 

This deep inner question is hard for most women to articulate to their husbands. And it may “leak out” in a pattern of seeking reassurance – which can (understandably) be confounding for men. 

Here’s the translation: If your wife asks, “Do you love me?” in the evening when you already told her in the morning, what she’s asking is: “Do you really love me?” 

Most women – even in the best of marriages – have an emotional need to be reassured. Yes, we are each responsible for our own emotional state. But, husbands, do you see the tremendous power you wield to care for this tender place in your wife’s heart?  

This is why the other things we talked about this week and last week matter to your wife. Listening to her feelings or noticing she needs help shows her that you love her. Putting your arm around her in church says, “I’m so glad you’re mine.” Spending emotionally connected time together builds her feelings of love and closeness with you. It. All. Matters. 

Here are practical steps to help your wife feel loved: 

• During conflict, reassure her of your love. You may need space (and, as we covered in part 2 of the husbands’ series, wives need to give it). But let her know you love her first. A simple hug and saying “We’re okay, let’s talk about it tonight,” before you escape to your workshop, can work wonders. 

• If she brings up something that needs attention, try not to become defensive or see it as criticism. Not only is defensiveness a warning sign in relationships (see my blog from last year on this) but it may run right over the tender feelings your wife wants to share. 

• Pursue her. Even if you’ve been married for twenty years, pursuit prevents a lot of insecurity. This doesn’t have to be “big chase” type of stuff. It can simply be taking her hand at the party or sending a text that says, “I was just thinking about you.” 

In the end, understanding the deep, inner longings of your wife’s heart will help you develop a closeness with her that may bring you closer than ever before. And the secret decoder ring you thought you needed won’t seem so necessary anymore. 

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

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