What Husbands Need Most From Their Wives (Part 1)

This is the first part of a multi-part series on what our spouses need, but may not always articulate. This week and next, we are focusing on husbands. After that, we’ll focus on wives. * 

You read the headline, and you’re pretty sure you know the answer. 

Sex, right? 

Yes, sexual intimacy does make list of what husbands are longing for in their relationship with their wives. But the nationally representative research for my bestselling book For Women Only – and interviews and surveys with more than 20,000 men over twenty years – reveal other vital emotional needs that often go unspoken.  

So let’s peer into the deep, inner life of our man – and pull out practical ideas on how to love him in ways that actually make him feel loved. (In Parts 3-4, we’ll look at the unspoken things that often help wives feel loved.)  

Here’s my prediction: As we focus on needs our spouse may not always articulate, we will start to see new levels of closeness and intimacy – far beyond just sexual intimacy – in our marriages.  

Here are three caveats right up front: First, many of these needs are crucial for both partners. Just because men tend to have a certain desire doesn’t mean women don’t! And vice versa. Second, although these inner needs are similar across all relationships, a relationship that is controlling or abusive needs boundaries and help, rather than a focus on the abusive partner’s needs.  

And finally, this is not an exhaustive list about men. (I’d highly recommend For Women Only for more detail.) Below are three research-backed, simple longings of men that they didn’t always know how to say. We’ll cover three more in Part 2. 

Emotional Need #1: Companionship 

It’s clear in the research that most husbands simply enjoy being with their wives. Underneath that enjoyment is also a longing for companionship with the person he wants to – and needs to – open up with more than anyone else. 

As busy women with many social outlets – bible study, girls’ nights, jobs, volunteer commitments – we may not quite “get” how isolated men often feel. And they don’t talk about it much. 

Enter, well … us. 

Based on the data, I have found that most men view their wife as their best friend – and are eager to spend time together. And this will often mean getting out and doing things together. 

Practical tips to foster companionship: 

• Ask your husband what he needs from Home Depot, grab the keys, and give him a playful “well, what are we waiting for?” nod toward the garage.   

• If your man asks you, “Wanna go to Costco?” treat it the way he is probably seeing it – not just as a chance to get some cheap tech pants, but as time together. 

• Take an honest look at your schedule. Does it reflect a priority on time with your husband? Not just “for” him, but for you and your relationship? If not, what adjustment(s) might you make? 

• If your marriage has drifted, revisit shared activities or much-loved places from early in your relationship.  

To the last point, a military wife described to me her painful realization that her marriage had been stressed by her husband’s previous war-zone deployment and eventual PTSD. She prayed about what to do, and realized: she had long ago stopped joining her husband in a hobby he enjoyed. Restoring that habit rebuilt their friendship and closeness, and allowed them to work well on the other issues at hand. 

Emotional Need #2: To know that they “did good.” 

It may surprise us to know that men often have a secret question deep down: Am I any good at what I do? I want to be a good husband, a good father… but am I? In particular, many men subconsciously question whether they are good at what they do for you.  

As a result, being affirmed in what they do is far more emotionally powerful than we realize. Not long ago, a man at a marriage conference told me and Jeff, “There’s something in me that just wants to hear, ‘You know that way you handled the kids this afternoon? You done good.’”  

The problem is: our research for The Kindness Challenge discovered that most of us don’t actually say words of affirmation as often as we think we do. Affirming your husband in the way he longs to hear is likely to be very meaningful to him – and to the relationship.  

So how do we do that, in a practical sense? One key way is outlined in the next section.  

Emotional Need #3: Two words 

At a large women’s event last month in Arizona, I shared with the audience that when they tell their husbands “I love you,” it’s nice. Men do like hearing it. But according to our surveys, there’s a phrase that’s far more emotionally powerful for them – one that makes most men feel deeply loved and cared for. 

I invited the audience to guess. After a few guesses, one woman said it: “Thank you.” 

“’Thank you?’ That’s it?” another woman loudly blurted, causing a ripple of laughter. “I wish I’d known that twenty years ago.” 

In our nationally representative For Women Only research, 72% of men said there was a sense of deep pleasure when they do something and their wives sincerely thank them for it. Yes, for a lot of men … that’s really it. 

One day, Jeff and I were speaking at a marriage event and shared that hearing “thank you” is often a man’s emotional equivalent of hearing “I love you.” One man relayed this story to Jeff. “You know those speed monitoring signs in neighborhoods that tell you when you’re going too fast? Well, there was one particular digital sign that would flash ‘Thank you’ in big letters when someone was sticking to the speed limit. I found myself taking that road a lot even though it wasn’t the most direct route … and I just now understood why. It’s crazy, but even when it came from electronic sensors there was a sense of deep satisfaction at seeing those words.” 

Here are some practical ways to say thank you:  

• Watch for the things your man does and find at least one opportunity every day to thank him. For making dinner even though he had a hard day at work, too. For making you feel loved by doing _____. For fixing the glitchy Wi-Fi. For walking the dog. 

• Counteract any tendency to think, “Why should I have to thank him for walking the dog? That’s his job!” Remember, we are looking at each other’s unspoken needs! And hearing “thank you” is powerful – even for daily chores. After all, you want your man to say “I love you” or “you did great” to you, too, right? Hearing those affirmations is precious to all of us. 

• Avoid immediate pairing of appreciation with “helpful” comments (e.g. “Thanks for getting my car washed. Could you take the car seat out next time before they vacuum the seats?”) Guys tell me that a request is fine the next day, but a “correction” in the moment is perceived as a statement of failure, not a statement of thanks.  

• Look for natural ways to say “thank you” or praise your husband in front of others. When he gets your jacket from the car because the outside gathering is chilly, tell your friend, “He always does that.” He may look neutral, but on the inside, he is proud of being able to please you … and proud of you for being a generous person.  

So … what do you think? Whether you have heard these things before, or whether some of them are new, I hope you see how helpful it will be to learn and attend to what matters to our spouse.  

One key suggestion: Use this as a starting point for conversation, and ask your man which of these things are true of him. Then make sure you catch next week’s blog for more unspoken, emotional needs that matter to most men. 

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

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