What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 1)

Are you adjusting to the changing realities of an empty nest? This series will help! Parts 1-2 will address your new season of parenting. In part 3, we’ll navigate the new ground your marriage is breaking (no, your marriage isn’t breaking!). And stay tuned for a two-part follow-up later this fall, when we’ll reveal what our adult kids say they need from us, courtesy of a brand-new short survey!

I wrote these words in 2017 in a blog on living with purpose: “My kids may be teenagers at the moment, but I feel like I’m going to wake up tomorrow and find an empty nest!”

I can hardly believe it, but tomorrow is here. Three weeks ago, our daughter moved into her first “real” apartment and is working away at her first full-time engineering job. And although our son was living at home this summer, he just moved back to college last week.

Our house suddenly feels so … empty!

As anyone who has faced an empty nest can attest, it is an extremely tricky transition. Our role as a parent changes, and what our kids need (and don’t need) from us changes. We all know this, but that doesn’t mean we know how to do this. So I’ve been looking at the research, seeking counsel from those who are doing it well, and doing some research of my own with 18- to 25-year-old young adults to get their perspective. (In this series, I’m using the phrase “young adult” in the literal sense – someone early in their adult years, in the 18-25 age demographic.)

Over and over again I have been hearing the importance of the same three shifts in our parenting mindset, along with three ‘what to do about it’ actions. These mindset shifts and actions will help us not only “hang in there” through the changes – but thrive in this new season of relationship with our young adult kids.

The first one is a pretty radical shift, and we know it needs to happen— but it can be a hard one. Especially in the early empty nest phase. So we’ll deal with it exclusively this week, followed by two more shifts next week in Part 2.

Mindset shift #1: Switch from counselor to coach.

For eighteen years, you’ve been your child’s primary counselor – informing their decisions on everything from nutrition and screen time to the value of not leaving their wet bath towel on the floor of their room. (They’re on their own with that one now.)

Here’s why switching from counselor to coach can be such a hard shift: In a nationally-representative survey of teenagers ages 15-17, for For Parents Only, we found that teens actually do feel loved and more secure when we parents take charge (as long as we’re leading them into greater responsibility rather than just “laying down the law”). For us parents, we try to give them more independence as they grow, but when we do need to put our foot down, it often means “taking charge” at precisely the time our teenagers push hardest against our authority. It’s like we spend the end of their high school years as levees braced against a flood of ferocious, emotional elements of burgeoning independence and opinion!

But then from one moment to the next … most of that ferocious flood evaporates. In our research for For Parents Only, we discovered that once a young adult turns 18 and graduates from high school, all that pent-up intensity shifts to a completely different mindset. One that knows their life is now, legally, theirs to manage (even if they do still need help from us financially).

So in the span of a few very short weeks or months, as our kids become adults, graduate from high school, and move on to college or work – often moving out entirely – we must almost immediately trade our “take charge” hat for a “coach” hat. Suddenly, our job is to expertly support and motivate our adult kids as they are now (mostly) responsible for their lives.

It’s enough to give any parent whiplash!

So what to do?

Action #1: When confused about how to handle something … picture the coach.

When we struggle with how to handle a particular “parenting moment,” we can picture two types of people – and choose which we will be.

Person 1 is a restaurant inspector. Their job is to come in, poke around behind the scenes of a business, make sure everything is happening in the safe and healthy way it is supposed to happen, and enforce the rules when things are going off the rails. They don’t run the business, but they have legal oversight – and the ability to shut the business down financially if they don’t like where it is going. And most restaurateurs don’t like either of those things very much.

Person 2 is the coach of a college sports team. Their job is to help their athletes become the best they can be and learn what they need to learn … but the choice to accept coaching and do what needs to be done (or not) is entirely on the athlete. And the coach will in turn make their guidelines and scholarship requirements clear and decide how to handle the athlete based on the athlete’s attitude and choices.

So, when we wonder what to do … what would a coach do? What would a coach who deeply cares for his or her players do? (Yes, I know the analogy is imperfect, because we are and will always be, first and foremost a PARENT who adores our kid. But work with me here.)

We can share lots of encouragement with words of hope and promise. We can let our kids know how proud we are of very specific things – for example, of how they are handling their job pressure, romantic choices, or roommate challenges. We can build them up when they are discouraged. We can let them know we are here if they need us. If we are brand-new at this coach thing, we can avoid the temptation to call every ten minutes. (Just sayin’.)

And just as a coach would likely call out damaging or unproductive patterns that impacted their athlete’s life, we might need to call something out with love and grace. We might need to set clear boundaries and say what will happen beyond them. (“Whether you keep smoking is your choice; but in that case you’ll need to find a different place to live. And I’d be glad to help you look at the options if you wanted that.”) We might even need to “pull their scholarship” if they are making unwise choices with the financial support we extend. But the goal is to help them become the best they can be in order to succeed (coach) rather than ensure they are adhering to certain rules (restaurant inspector).

For those of us who are early in this journey, it’s really important to give ourselves grace as we make the switch from counselor to coach. I’m learning, stumbling around, and cringing when I make the classic mistakes. The other day, when my daughter made a decision about something, I asked her, “Are you sure you want to do it that way?” A long pause told me that she was trying to figure out how to say kindly, “Yes, that’s why I’m doing it this way, Mom.”

We won’t do it perfectly. And they won’t do it perfectly (hence our desire to jump in). But if we want to have ongoing presence in their lives for when they do need and want our guidance, a coach mindset is far more likely to build that relationship than an inspector vibe that tells our young independent adults, “You have to do life my way.”

There are several more mindset shifts that matter, so come back next week for actionable steps related to trust and boundary lines, and learning what you can do to foster strong relationships with your adult kids in both areas. (We’ll solicit input from you at the end of next week’s blog too, so if you’re an empty nester, don’t miss the chance to weigh in!)

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

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