Hitting the Jackpot!
A secret to a happy marriage: look for how you hit the jackpot! Excerpted from Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn Copyright © 2013 by Shaunti Feldhahn. Excerpted by permission of Multnomah Books, a division of Random House LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Call it living in a state of wonder. Or call it the power of conscious gratitude. Whatever you call it, it is one of the sources of energy that turns a good marriage into a great one. Talk to consistently happy spouses for very long and you’ll hear things like this bubbling out:
· “I can’t believe he chose me.”
· “I keep wondering when she’s going to figure out that I’m not as amazing as she thinks I am.”
· “I’m convinced that if weren’t for him, I would still be single.”
· “How did I luck out like this?”
· “Yeah, buddy, I sure outkicked my coverage.”
Over and over, in the interviews with highly happy couples I heard these casual remarks about something that really wasn’t casual at all: a deeply felt gratitude. The feeling was much more fundamental than your everyday positive mental attitude. These folks lived in a state of awe that their spouses were in their lives—that they had chosen them in the first place!—and with the daily awareness that a huge part of their happiness was due to these wonderful people to whom they were joined.
Even when these couples were dealing with real problems—money, kids, sex, and a host of other things that can drain a marriage—each partner still believed that they personally hit the jackpot. I would state this powerful little secret like this: Highly happy couples give their spouses most of the credit for their relationship success—and they live in regular, conscious gratitude as a result.
The Roman philosopher Cicero wrote, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.” The marital experience of highly happy couples seemed to bear this out. Their conscious gratitude for their mates seemed to have the effect of tempering other concerns and making them much happier in their marriages.
After all, with such an amazing person, does it really matter if he isn’t that neat? Does it really matter that much if she always runs late? Or, yes, this was a bad year financially, but she is amazing the way she has stood beside me. He has been so sweet the way he has reassured me we would get through this.
And in being so aware of their partners’ “amazingness” (I love that word!), these folks certainly did not take each other for granted nor overlook the great things that were right before their eyes. In the end, they expected fewer problems—and found fewer! Putting it another way, their perception became reality. What each saw in the other became what each experienced.
We don’t have to wait until we lose what we love to realize its value. We can start today to change the weather in our marriages by intentionally minding our “gratitudes”—and letting our spouses know how blessed we feel because of them.
This is so true and it makes me think does my husband know how grateful I am to have him in my life? I was previously married to a physically abusive man and never thought I would remarry let alone trust any man again. I am anxious to read this book and even more anxious to show my husband of 10 years that I am indeed grateful for his kind gentleness towards me and my 2 daughters!
I agree – the couples that truly appreciate each other and show gratitude for having each other seem to be the happiest and last the longest. Whenever I am in a relationship, I definitely look for those qualities, among others!
Thanks for this powerful suggestion–to be intentionally thankful that he chose me of all the women in the world! After 34 years of marriage, it’s easy to take one another for granted but I don’t want to. It is something we can choose to do quite easily too–get up and do it–which is what I just did!
Many years of marriage makes two knowingly imperfect people stronger. It’s when you expect perfection that you will be disappointed. In fact, all sets of expectations create problems. Much better to roll with it and keep loving.
My husband is always telling me that he’s the lucky one and that he got God’s best in having me as a wife. He is so awesome!! I know he knows how amazing I think he is, but I need to say it more often. 🙂
I know how it makes me feel when he expresses gratitude and thanfulness for me and my actions. Of course, it would do the same for him if I expressed my gratitude more consistently. Duh. Get moving girl.
newly married and loving it! I want to continue to grow in knowing and admiring my husband, and I know gratitude is key 🙂
I like the way it is put in this blog, “gratitude”. In my own marriage, I was really doubtful after first getting married because my husband didn’t seem like “the right one”, I saw him as ‘sloppy’, ‘lazy’ and ‘unhelpful’. Turns out, my attitude was off and we were both learing to be “good spouses” to one another. Once I found things he did well and stopped focusing on the negative, it helped. I had to change my thinking to being thankful for the man God gave me, habits and all. I found a greater appreication for who he was and what God was doing in our lives! We’ve gone through a lot of ups and downs, battles, and struggles, but we say “I love you” everyday and enjoy each other’s presence more and more. I am learning the art of a grateful, giving marriage!
I’ve been going through a Bible study focusing on our attitude and one of those attitudes is thankfulness. This has been transformative as we explore the truth of how dwelling on the positive gets you to focus in a hopeful, optimistic direction. In line with this article, I agree that when we choose to target our thoughts on gratitude for our partner, it’s hard to get hung up on their minor flaws. Thanks for the uplifting ideas here!
Looking forward to reading the new book!
I’m so thankful for how you do so much research before you present it to your readers. I’ve greatly benefited from your “For (Young) Women/Men books and I’m looking forward to see what you have next for us!
It is true, expecting the best so often delivers the best.
I’m so excited about your new book! I try to be an encouragement to other wives. This blog and your new book will be wonderful to pass on.
Thank you!
PS Doing the Life Ready Woman DVD study with 5 others. It has been incredible!
Love this blog! Thanks so much and can’t wait for the book!
And the deeper the relationship and the closer they are the greater the sheer agony when one is ripped away from the other in death. Another subject for you.
Sounds like you hit the nail on the head with this one! The Bible is full of God’s directions toward us to be thankful people, so why would marriage be any different? Expectations can kill any marriage; changing our perspective and being grateful can keep it alive! 34 years and counting…
This is an excellent application for marriage, as well as most other relationships in life. I am trying daily to show gratitude toward my husband, as well as my children & to make sure that they know they are my biggest blessings. It is amazing what my own parent’s marriage taught me without me even realizing until being married myself. Before I got married, one of my mom’s pieces of advice was, “Don’t major on the minors.” They of course had disagreements, but no matter what I always knew that they were on the same team…and they still are, 34 years later! I want my children to have that kind of example…
I’m excited to read this book! I use your other books as I teach a high school class that has units on marriage and dating. The research in your other books has really opened people’s eyes. I hope this books does some more of the same!
I’m super excited to read this new book! I loved the others and know I need to be more appreciative to my wonderful husband. It’s been a rough 20 years for us, but after 5 kids and cancer I’m more and more grateful for him each day.
Can’t wait to read this new book. My husband and I love For Women Only and For Men Only.
Shaunti,
i enjoyed meeting you in person at Camp Berea’s women’s retreat! I am a HUGE fan of you and your books! Thanks for writing another…can’t wait to read it! 18 yrs of marriage and counting…so thankful for my man! Sincerely, Heather in Boston, MA
I agree! Gratitude is a biggie….and not only in marriage but in every aspect of life.
Thank you. I have been married a few months and read your books before getting married. Great!
Every time I hear a comment from my husband that expresses his wonder at us being together it makes me fall in love with him all over again. Knowing I’m not taken for granted is like oxygen to the relationship. And, yes, it causes all the little things that might be annoying to someone who hasn’t experienced all that gratitude to fade into insignificance. And, yes, I tell him how my dull and unadventurous my life would be without him — and that he has brought out the best in me.