What To Do When One Spouse Earns All the Income 

Sam and Sara juggle so much, they might as well be in the circus. Sara stays home with their three young children. Sam works a high-stress, high-travel job to financially provide for the family. Each spouse is doing what they have always wanted to do and feels pride in doing it well.

Yet some unique stressors come with their “one breadwinner” family model.  

As an example, Sam arrived home from the airport and began making dinner for the family. As he cooked, he described his exciting two-day business trip, which included lunch with a celebrity at a famous historical site. He was so eager to share his experience that he didn’t notice Sara was covered in spit-up, her hair askew, and getting more and more upset.  

Finally, she unloaded. “I haven’t left this apartment in three days. I haven’t even been able to shower today. Forgive me if I have trouble getting excited when you describe these amazing trips and meals, when I haven’t been able to have a meal out for two months.” 

Sam and Sara had just hit a tripwire—a false belief or personal frustration that could end up being a trap for their relationship if they didn’t see it and address it well. Here are four tripwires common to single-income families, countered by research-backed solutions, that can help Sara and Sam (and you) tackle money concerns as a team.  

Tripwire #1: “The main breadwinner should control the family finances.”  

In our nationally representative survey of 1,800 men and women for Thriving in Love & Money, 40% of respondents believed that the person who earns more money should control it. Even among sole breadwinners who say they don’t believe that, seven in ten still live as if they do—agreeing that their partner should defer to their strong opinions on financial matters. 

The issue here is ownership: Who “owns” what, and who gets to control it. 

What to Do: Remember, you both own all of it!

In single-income families, both the spouse holding down the job and the spouse holding down the home front are essential to providing financially and meeting the needs of the family. 

There were several years when my books hit bestseller lists, I traveled to dozens of speaking engagements, and technically, I was making more money. But, no, “I” wasn’t. Because meeting book deadlines and getting on the plane would have never happened in the first place if Jeff hadn’t been willing to adjust his schedule to cover things at home.  

In a marriage, we each take on individual roles while keeping everything humming, but that “everything” is a family calling. We are not two unconnected people with two siloed callings—we have one overall calling. And each role in filling that calling is equally important. 

Tripwire #2- “Why don’t you help with the kids when you get home?” 

Let’s look at another common tripwire. A husband gets home from a grueling day on a job site to find his wife at the door with car keys in hand, eager to just wander around Target. ALONE. He can’t believe that she would expect him to put in “extra hours” with their young kids after such a long day. She simmers over his self-focus and lack of understanding about her need for time away. 

What to Do: Believe that your spouse cares, and schedule breaks. 

According to my research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, more than 99% of individuals said they care about their spouse and want what’s best for them, even in painful times. This is a good truth to hang onto in moments like these. 

Many one-income couples forget that both spouses have worked hard all day and that they are on the same team. So, stop, reaffirm that you have each other’s back, and then make a concrete plan that allows each person to get needed breaks. 

Tripwire #3: “Business lunches vs. diapers—it’s not fair!” 

To the stay-at-home parent, the stark contrast of lifestyles can seem downright unfair. (“Oh, you had a business lunch—again—at the Hotel Swank? That’s nice. I wiped vomit all day and I think some of it is still in my hair.”) 

Financial stress can also creep in when one spouse (either one) naturally spends money more easily. One of our survey respondents put it this way: “You, my dear husband, get to go have business lunches while I’m changing diapers. And that is fine because we decided this together – but it stops being fine if I feel like I have to ask for money that should be mine just as much as yours.”

As a reverse example, one man told me, “I’m delighted that my wife can stay home, but she now has the freedom to be out shopping with friends while I don’t even have time to leave my desk.”  

What to Do: Set aside a monthly amount for each partner to spend however they like.  

In our research, couples who had a monthly amount they could spend any way they wanted were much more likely to be very happy in their marriage.  

Tripwire #4: “My expectations aren’t met, and this is boiling over into resentment!”  

In Sara and Sam’s example, Sara had been wrestling with resentment, which our research found is the most dangerous tension related to finances. Those who struggle with resentment over money are statistically more likely to see it seep into other relational patterns.  

What to Do: Set up a regular money check-in. 

We also found that financial stresses can, if handled well, lead to deeper connection. Why? Those stresses might drive couples to the necessity of better and more regular conversation about money. We even found that couples with more money but less communication are often less happy. More money does not solve this problem. Connection does. 

In fact, as it turns out, both connection and contentment trump a large bank account. 

In Thriving in Love & Money, we shared about a couple who radiated close connection, dependence on God, and deep peace despite tight finances. But it hadn’t always been that way. The husband shared: 

“I’ve always been a person who worries about money. I would stress to the point of panic attacks … [then] for some reason I started to really listen [at church]. I talked to God, and I put it in His hands. It worked. I make $18 an hour, and we have a family of five in one of the most expensive cities in the country … Somehow, some way we make it happen.” 

Raising kids on one income can lead to unique stressors. But, thankfully, walking through the stress well can disarm all those tripwires and bring us closer in the end.  

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Amy Masaschi at [email protected]/.

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