Do the People You Love Know You Believe in Them?

This is part two of a four-part blog series about loving people well in marriage, parenting, friendship, or any other relationship, based on the challenge and encouragement of 1 Corinthians 13:7. You can read part one here.

It’s funny how easy it is to tell the people we love what they could be doing better. We remind our kids about the responsibility they’re still working on. We point out the thing our spouse forgot. We give a friend advice about the situation she’s struggling with. And most of the time, we do those things because we love that person and want the best for them.

But how often do we tell those same people what we already see in them? Do they hear that we think they’re capable? That we notice how they’re growing? That we trust their judgment? That even when they get something wrong, we still believe in who they’re becoming?

We may assume the answer is obvious. Of course my husband knows I believe in him! Of course my daughter knows I’m proud of her! But what we know in our hearts isn’t necessarily what the people around us experience from us.

And that’s exactly the tension we’re exploring in this four-part blog series called What Does Love Really Look Like? 1 Corinthians 13:7 in Life. In this series, we’re looking at the practical lessons of 1 Corinthians 13:7, which says, “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” (NLT).

As we talked about in part one, most of us assume we’re pretty loving people. But just as I discovered while researching The Kindness Challenge that we can be surprisingly blind to our lack of kindness, we can also be blind to our lack of love. So throughout this series, instead of measuring our love by our good intentions, we’re measuring it against what Scripture actually says love looks like in practice.

Last week, we looked at how “love never gives up.” This week, let’s look at the next phrase: “Love never loses faith.”  The Greek word here is pisteuō, which has the implication of having full belief in someone or something, or being completely persuaded that a particular thing is true. [i] I think this phrase raises a wonderfully practical question: Do the people we love experience us as people who believe in them?

Here are three small ways we can make sure the answer is yes.

1. Catch someone doing something right.

We are remarkably good at noticing what the people closest to us aren’t doing, aren’t we? Your middle-school son doesn’t wipe his muddy shoes on the mat. Your colleague forgets to update you on what you were assigned in that meeting—and then you get called out by an angry boss. Your stepmom calls in the middle of your workday even though you’ve asked her to text first. The things that cause a problem get our attention.

But think about all the things that don’t create a problem. Your son gets himself up and ready without you saying a word and always makes it to the bus stop on time. Your colleague covered for you when you had to run to the dentist. Your stepmom remembers to ask how that meeting went that you were nervous about.

How often do those things pass without us acknowledging them?

For the next few days, let’s make a point to catch the people we love doing something right. And when you do, tell them what you noticed. Not just, “You’re awesome!” (Although that’s nice too!) Be specific: “It really means a lot to me that you remembered my big presentation.”

If most of what someone hears from us is what needs fixing, they may have no idea how much good we see in them. Sometimes we simply need to say the good stuff out loud.

2. Speak confidence before you know the outcome.

We tend to encourage people after they’ve done something well, saying things like “You did a great job!” or “I’m so proud of you!” Those words matter. But think about your own life and how different it feels when someone believes in you and what you have to offer, before you know how things are going to turn out.

Imagine your teenager is nervous about having a difficult conversation with a friend. Your parental instinct may immediately kick in. (Here are six things you need to say! And three things you definitely should not say!) But what if, before offering any advice, you simply said, “You have a really tender heart. I know you will handle this kindly.”

Or suppose your friend is feeling depressed since he lost his job, and feels like he is an utter failure as a person. Maybe instead of immediately brainstorming solutions, perhaps he most needs to hear, “You’re really, really good at figuring things out. I’ve watched you do it before, and I know you can do it again.”

That’s a very different kind of encouragement. You aren’t praising an accomplishment. You’re reminding someone of something true about them. When someone sees that utter pisteuō belief—that you are completely persuaded of this fact—they find it easier to believe it about themselves.

So the next time someone you love is doubting themselves, pause before you start fixing. Is there something you know about that person that they may need to hear right now? Maybe they’re persistent. Thoughtful. Brave. Good under pressure. Whatever it is, tell them.

 3. Let growth count.

This final type of “belief” step can be a tough one, especially when we’ve been frustrated by the same thing for a long time.

Maybe you’ve asked your spouse over and over again to put their phone away during dinner. You finally have a good conversation about it, and they really do start making an effort. Monday through Thursday, the phone stays in another room. But then Friday night comes, and the phone is back at the dinner table.

And what is the first thought that pops into your head? Here we go again. Nothing has changed.

Except…something has changed. There were four nights when your spouse remembered! This realization is so crucial in every relationship in our lives: our kids, friends, in-laws, or anyone else we know well. Because it is easy for setbacks to erase all the progress we’ve watched them make.

But what would happen if we let growth count instead? What would happen if we gave credit for the trend of two steps forward, one step back? We can still address what happened while acknowledging what we’ve seen. You tell your roommate: “I know you gave in to the temptation to drink too much last night, but I’ve noticed how hard you’ve been working on this lately.” Or you tell your kids, “We still need to talk about what happened, but I don’t want this one mistake to erase the progress I’ve seen you make.”

We all need grace for the places where we’re still growing. And what a gift it is when the people closest to us don’t just notice how far we have to go, but also how far we’ve already come.

Do they know you believe in them?

So here’s my challenge this week. Think of one person you love and ask yourself: If I couldn’t actually tell this person I believe in them, would they know it from the way I treat them?

Maybe the answer is an easy yes. Wonderful! Keep doing what you’re doing. But maybe you realize that although you absolutely believe in your spouse, child, or friend, you haven’t actually given them much evidence of that lately.

But that’s exactly why we’re looking at 1 Corinthians 13 so closely. It is easy to assume we’re loving people because we know what’s in our hearts. But the people around us can’t see our hearts. They can only experience the words we say, the things we notice, and the way we respond when they succeed or fall short.

If love “never loses faith,” then perhaps one of the most practical ways we can live that out is to stop assuming the people we love know we believe in them and start making sure they do.

P.S. If you’re engaged, learning how to communicate what’s in your heart is one of the best things you can do before marriage! Jeff and I are hosting a free webinar, “5 Conversations Every Engaged Couple Needs Before Saying ‘I Do.’” We’d love to have you join us! Register here or send it to an engaged couple you love.

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[i] Greek word definitions and background are drawn from the lexical tools available at BlueLetterBible.com and BibleHub.com.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Amy Masaschi at [email protected]/.

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