For Women Only Turns Twenty! My Thoughts — and Yours.

For Women Only has a big birthday this month, and it feels like a good moment to look back and reflect on all that God has done.

I’ll be honest, never in my wildest dreams did I think this book would succeed like it did—and help marriages succeed like they did. Twenty years and 1.7 million copies in 26 languages later, I can say this with certainty: For Women Only tapped raw nerves and real needs in ways that have helped two generations of women discover the inner lives of their men.

How it started

The path I took to writing this bestseller was all beautifully accidental. When working on my second novel, The Lights of Tenth Street, I discovered that I had no idea what kinds of thoughts to put in the head of one of my main characters – a devoted Christian husband and father. So I began asking men in my personal and professional lives what they would be thinking if they were this man in such-and-such a scene.

You could say it was “point-of-view” material long before “POV” was trending on memes and hashtags. Their answers shocked me!

As I connected their answers, I found men were expressing truly foundational needs, fears, desires, struggles, and doubts that sure seemed to be common. Soon, I found myself sharing these findings with friends. We’d be talking intently in a coffee shop, only to discover that two or three women at nearby tables were listening in. Jaws on the floor. Looking like I had a secret key that unlocked a mystery in their marriage.

I knew my informal findings begged for a professional survey to see if most men statistically shared those same perspectives and vulnerabilities.

Most men did. And a bestseller was born.

For Women Onlyopened the door for my husband Jeff and I to write For Men Only. Together, the two books have sold 2.6 million copies around the world.

Even today, twenty years after For Women Only came out, we still get requests for new foreign language editions. (A few years ago, we got a request for Tigrinya. I had to look that up!)

All of these languages represent new access points for new perspectives that will hopefully change lives. (And new perspectives appear to be sorely needed in some cases. Each foreign language edition creates its own cover of a book—and one foreign publisher printed For Women Only and For Men Only with male and female scorpions on the covers!)

Generational impact

So now, twenty years later, For Women Only is reaching its second generation.

One woman I met at a women’s event in January is emblematic of this generational impact. Dr. Michelle Sims, an economics professor at Arizona Western College, approached me at the event intermission to tell me how For Women Only restored her marriage twenty years earlier. “The book held truths I needed to hear that my husband probably wasn’t comfortable saying,” she said.

We hugged … and cried. Later, she picked up my last three copies of For Women Only— one to replace her own loaned-out copy, and one for both of her daughters.

And the kicker? Dr. Sims almost didn’t attend that women’s event! Another college semester was upon her, she had much to do, and she had no idea who the speaker was. Until, she said, I walked onstage, carrying “her book” under my arm! Divine encounters like these, and stories of restored marriages, never get old.

The positive ripple effects continue

For Women Only had other positive ripple effects, too. Its success swung open the door for Jeff and I to share encouragement for marriages at speaking events all over the country. It has led to much more research, which resulted in For Young Women Only, For Young Men Only, For Parents Only, and other books—as well as audio books, bible studies and resources designed to help relationships thrive.

It also opened doors to many more marriage-based research projects that have helped couples build stronger intimate lives, create better connection around money, and discover habits shared by the happiest couples.

Just last week, a woman wrote in to let me and my team know how this summer’s Married With Benefits podcast series through FamilyLife, which I co-hosted with Brian Goins, impacted her marriage. She wrote:

“Shaunti … your podcast saved my marriage. This summer I listened and re-listened and shared with everyone that I could. I have been married for 21 years. We had completely fallen apart and your podcast honestly saved us.”

Messages like these bring me to tears. Truly. If I can be transparent with you, working in the relationship space— especially the marriage space—comes with a built-in target. Readers of faith will understand what I mean. I have author friends who have done credible, earnest, transformational work in this area, and let’s just say all of us have many scriptures we collectively cling to when the battle gets fierce.

But it’s entirely worth it.

When you book Jeff and me to speak, when you buy our books for your engaged kids, when you write in with your heart-rending stories … not only does this keep our ministry going, but it spurs us on to learn more, research more, and share more that might help. We are even hoping to work with the publisher on an update to the books. We will never have perfect messaging, or all the answers readers need, but as long as God gives us the ability, we can keep trying.

So, those are some my thoughts. Now, I want to share your thoughts.

The survey says ….

We put out an informal poll in July and August to solicit input from you— readers of our blog—to see what For Women Only has meant to you. (If you participated, thank you!)

The “a-ha” moments that created the greatest change in our informal survey respondents’ relationships included these:

• “My husband needs time to process before he can discuss a situation.”
• “Respect is important for my husband’s self-concept.”
• “I make sure to say thank you.”

Simple. And game-changing!

When we asked which chapters in For Women Only provided the greatest insight about the inner lives of men, the top three in your responses were: Your Love is Not Enough (40%), Sex Changes Everything (22%), and The Loneliest Burden (9%).

Major findings that correspond with these chapters, respectively, include:

• If forced to make a choice, most men (74%) would choose being unloved over being disrespected.
• Sex gives 77% of men a greater sense of well-being in other areas of life.
• 50% of men are conscious most of the time about providing for their families.

These insights help us see our men in a different, perhaps softer, light. And, to the first point, consider what this respondent had to say:

“As I have researched ‘respect’ (for my husband) and what that means and try to apply it, I find my marriage goes 1,000 times better. I’ve been married 25 years and only recently started understanding respect.”

That’s so encouraging, isn’t it? It’s never too late to introduce new patterns into our marriages!

I’ll close with what had to be one of my favorite comments from a respondent who read For Women Only 10 years ago:

“Now, I realize it’s time to read this book again! Long overdue, I might add, especially reading the chapter titles (in the survey) and realizing there are several that strike a very tender spot in my heart right now.”

I like her use of the word tender. While For Women Only is chock full of research-driven statistics, at the end of the day, it has much to say about how we as women can truly support the tender vulnerabilities and fears our men face every day. Just as For Men Only helps our men understand us.

If you’ve never read For Women Only and want to unlock the secrets of your man’s heart, I hope you will pick up your own copy and start a journey to understanding.

If you’re looking for additional resources, we have thoughtfully designed courses, small group studies, and videos for personal in-home or small-group use around For Women Only and many of our other research-based books.

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And if you are interested in having Shaunti and Jeff speak on marriage for a weekend retreat or during Sunday services at your church, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

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