3 Steps to Take When the Wife Earns More

Sam and Rachel, a couple we interviewed in our research, were navigating an income pattern that is increasingly common today: she earned far more than he did. When the kids came along, it made much more financial sense for her to remain the primary breadwinner and for him to work part-time and spend more time with the kids.

Yet there were some tensions that came along with this reality. And they aren’t alone. The research shows some unique stressors and needs arising as this “non-traditional” path becomes far more … well … traditional.

How our earning patterns might impact our marital patterns

While most women do still earn less on average than men (Pew Research reports that women’s annual earnings were 82% of men’s earnings in 2019), young women earn as much or more than young men in 22 U.S. metro areas. Another Pew study found that the number of women who earn significantly more than their husbands has roughly tripled in the last 50 years from 5% to 16%. That fits with what we saw in our recent study for Thriving in Love & Money.

If couples don’t acknowledge the stressors that come with this income pattern, there can be challenges! One study found that being outearned can adversely affect a man’s mental health over time. Other studies have found a higher risk to the marriage when wives earn more.

These concerns may arise because of emotional factors that are deeply instinctive to men. In our nationally representative research with men for our bestselling book For Women Only, 78% of men felt a deep emotional compulsion to provide, even if their wife earned enough to fully support the family. Many men admitted that they would simply feel inadequate if they weren’t the primary breadwinner.

These concerns were often heightened when one or both spouses interpreted the bible (I Timothy 5:8) as placing the responsibility for financial provision solely on the husband. Thankfully, though, that isn’t the end of the story. In our research for Thriving in Love and Money we found that a wife’s higher income or job status doesn’t have to negatively impact the marriage!

Three action steps

Once couples understand why certain issues may arise, and what to do about it, they can plan ahead and thrive instead. They can navigate redefinition of “traditional roles” in a way that is healthy for both people and the relationship.

So here are three action steps based on our research and that of others, that may help newlyweds—or any couple for that matter—in which the wife earns more than the husband.

Step #1: Redefine “providing”

If a newlywed couple agrees that providing is about more than money (in other words, shared responsibilities, emotional support, and so on), then right from the start, they are capturing a bigger vision.

Statistically, a man’s desire to provide will probably always be tugging at him. He may even feel like he’s not doing his job as a husband. But if wives are aware of this tender place in his heart and committed to thanking him for a provision that is far broader than a paycheck, they are well on their way to connection rather than conflict.

Sam and Rachel, for example, were very happy—even though her salary far outweighed his, and probably would for many years to come.

“Oh my gosh … provision is so much more than money,” said Rachel. “Sam provides me a whole array of things I value … things unique to our situation. When I come home from my very stressful, very public work life, there is my soul mate … waiting to share a meal he’s fixed. It means so much that he is willing to hear about my day and what I’m processing at work or whatever. That far outweighs any paycheck he could add to the pile.”

For couples who want to adhere to biblical standards, and are worried about being “unbiblical,” it might help to know that conservative Christian leaders such as Tim Keller have emphasized that among the first century church, it was common for both a husband and wife to run a family business together.

When we were living in New York and attending Tim Keller’s church, he shared in one sermon that a husband is indeed given the ultimate responsibility to ensure that the family is financially okay—but that the model of a husband being the sole provider appears to be more “cultural” (especially in the modern era) than “biblical.” If a husband can support his higher-earning wife to provide more income than he could, that is yet another way of “providing.”

Step #2: Express (and receive) thanks

A young wife I know who works long hours and earns more than her husband expresses frequent and deep appreciation for the household responsibilities he handles and his ability to manage the kids’ schedules flawlessly.

But here’s another crucial component. Her husband is willing to receive it. He’s willing to say, “Okay, we’re one. And this is what I am doing right now for us … together, as a couple.”

This again shifts a potential source of conflict into an opportunity for connection, allowing this couple to appreciate each other’s contributions and strengthen their bond.

Back to Rachel and Sam: “When Rachel thanks me,” Sam says, “especially for the little things I didn’t even think she noticed—like the fact that I raked the leaves this week—it touches my heart. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for this woman.”

Step #3: Create a game plan

The third action step is to develop a game plan for managing household stuff. This includes explicitly addressing routine household needs, projects, grocery shopping, and other daily tasks.

However you split it up, the key is for both partners to view the division of labor as fair.

For example, if the wife is working longer hours and earning more, the husband might take on more tasks related to childcare, grocery shopping, and house maintenance.

And just like the wife is asking the husband to be okay with her earning more, she has to be okay with him doing those tasks differently than she might. For example, if he takes their child to the doctor while she’s in a big meeting, she has to be okay with the fact that he might make a different decision that she might, while she is unavailable.  She has to respect him enough to make those calls.

At the end of the day, our different wiring and styles may collide. But this doesn’t have to cause friction if both partners go into it with eyes, and hearts, wide open.

As the apostle Paul encourages, “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love” (I Cor. 16:13-14 NIV). In the ever-changing landscape of societal, financial, and marital norms, the ability to adapt, communicate, appreciate, and work together as a couple is a faith-filled, courageous, act of strength in and of itself. And if it’s all done in love, your marriage can thrive no matter what your income model is!

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

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