5 Powerful Ways to Stop Arguments Before They Start

Remember the “Wear this, not that” memes that made the rounds years ago?

I’m taking a page from that playbook to look at five ways to stop arguments before they start—phrases we can use to work with, rather than against, our spouse when conflicts arise.

I’d recommend you literally stash these as a cheat sheet in your purse, wallet, or some easy-to-grab location, and then use them liberally in the heat of the moment.

Say this: “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.”

Not that: “You’re always so insensitive (or forgetful, or selfish)!”

All of our survey results over the last twenty years confirm that most married couples care deeply about their spouse. Of course there are some sad outliers, but statistically this is close to airtight. In fact, in our nationally-representative surveys for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages 99.26% truly cared about their mate and wanted the best for them, even during painful times.

Thus, it’s probably also true that your spouse doesn’t mean to hurt you with:

• the careless comment made about you in front of the in-laws
• the dinner date he missed because his golf game went long
• the way she contradicted or corrected you in front of the kids

Using this “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me” phrase—both in your internal self-talk and your external talk—assumes the best in your spouse and seasons your speech with grace.

Say this: “Help me understand ____.”

Not that: “Why on earth did you ____?”

An example might bring the power of the phrase, “help me understand” to life. Imagine a married couple whose teenage son Steven got caught in childish, disruptive prank at school.

Wife (with hands on hips): “Why did you lift Steven’s grounding? You know I grounded him with good reason!”

Husband: “If you would ask me in a different way I might tell you. Anyway, who appointed you dictator of our home?” (Huffs outside to garage.)

Ugh. Mom’s on the warpath, dad’s on the defensive, and the really great reason for lifting Steven’s punishment goes entirely undiscussed. Now, imagine the conversation going this way:

Wife (trying to keep her voice even): “I was really startled when you lifted Steven’s grounding earlier. Help me understand what you were thinking on that.”

Husband: “The principal called me at work and said Steven volunteered to stay after school to organize supplies for the teacher whose class was disrupted by his prank. He also made an appointment to assure the principal it wouldn’t happen again. I was so proud of him. But I’m sorry—I should have talked to you before making the decision.”

A more generous explanation was there all along!

In marriage conflict (or any relationship conflict), the phrase “help me understand” assumes not only that a more generous explanation exists, but that we’re interested in finding it.

Being in “help-me-understand” mode doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express how you feel. But it leads into the discussion from a place of humility and curiosity.

Say this: “We’re on the same side!”

Not that: “I can’t believe you thought ____ about me!”

This “same side” phrase comes in handy if you tend to get defensive. I’m reminded of a woman who approached me at a speaking event years ago and confessed that defend and deflect were her strategies early in her marriage. Her husband always felt helpless to keep their conversations from spiraling downward. Finally, in one heated discussion, he blurted out: “We’re on the same side!”

The moment was so significant, she even remembers what she was wearing.

“I didn’t realize I was so defensive all the time,” she confessed.

If you or your spouse turn to defensiveness, this is a key predictor that your marriage is headed for trouble. You can change the trajectory! I highly recommend reading our popular two-part blog series from last year, “7 Steps to Keep Defensiveness From Ruining Our Relationships.”

Say this: “Let’s go to bed mad, and pick it up in the morning.”

Not this: “We have to resolve this conflict before we go to bed!”

Don’t tar and feather me for heresy. Hear me out.

In our research, the happiest couples discovered: Sometimes, it’s just not worth it to spin out in an argument that’s going in circles at 1 a.m. Resolving something before bedtime is a great goal, but if you’re no longer thinking straight and might say something you’ll regret, consider putting it on hold. If the issue is still there the next day, come back together and deal with it, rather than ignoring it and hoping it goes away. 

Now, some of you are wondering if this advice is unbiblical. It actually isn’t.

Read Ephesians 4:26 (the source of the belief that the bible says “don’t go to bed mad”):

“And ‘don’t sin by letting anger control you.’ Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

Now read Psalm 4:4, which the Apostle Paul was actually quoting in the Ephesians passage:

“Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.”

That changes things, doesn’t it? The biblical command seems to be all about “Don’t sin by letting anger control you.” So if you’re going in circles, try reassuring one another with: “We’re okay. Let’s talk about it in the morning.”

Say this: “Are you done being mad yet?” (Or some other “inside” phrase.)

You’ll notice the absence of a “not that” phrase. To explain, I’ll get personal for a minute. When Jeff and I are in conflict he is more likely to withdraw to need time to process his anger, while I am more likely to pursue a quick resolution. In the early years of marriage, as he withdrew, I would stew. And sometimes, rather than acknowledging his need for space to think, I would follow him around and state my case. With feeling.

It didn’t go well!

Today, though, we have a way of coming back together—and this concept (not these particular words) is common among the happiest marriages. For us, the way it works is: Jeff will withdraw to process … and then at some point he will come back and say, “Are you done being mad yet?”

Now. That phrase might send some couples straight into orbit! But for us, it’s an inside joke. It dials the temperature down, and acknowledges that the issue may still be there, but we’re not going to let it get us down. It tells us: “we’re okay.”

One of my friends lets her husband off the hook when they’re in conflict in this way: If he is searching for words (because he’s processing) he’ll usually say something like, “What I’m trying to say is ….” and then his sentence will trail off. Often she’ll finish his sentence by quipping, “you’re madly in love with me.”

They laugh. And it’s his cue that he can break away from the intensity of the moment to think about his response.

Do you have a shared “inside” phrase or action that can help interrupt the intensity? Identify it, agree that it’s ok to use it (in other words, one of you isn’t hurt by it), and then use it when conflict looms.

And now, it’s your turn. What conflict-defusing phrases are in your marital playbook? What do you say in the heat of an argument that helps alleviate pressure? I’d love to hear from you, so please leave a comment.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

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