For Men Only: An Insider Tip That Could Change Your Marriage

Guys, I’m going to let you in on a secret today that could change your marriage.

It’s easier to show than tell, so watch these two short sports videos first. A while back, I came across this Instagram reel that captures former Detroit Lions quarterback David Blough (now an NFL assistant coach) watching his wife Melissa Gonzalez race in an Olympic preliminary qualifier.

And who could forget this summer’s Olympics when Hunter Woodhall screamed “You’re the Olympic champion!” as his wife Tara Davis-Woodhall jumped into his arms after winning gold in the long jump.

Guys, you may not get as outwardly pumped as David Blough and Hunter Woodhall, but these videos capture the exact same underlying exhilaration and pride that many men feel inside as they watch their wives “run the race” as an amazing mom, small group leader, or skilled executive.

I have interviewed and surveyed more than 20,000 men in the last twenty years, and I’ve seen this truth: You love your wife’s wins! And these two words in response could change your marriage:

Tell her.

If you feel pride in your wife, but don’t express it, you could be missing an opportunity to meet one of her greatest needs.

But doesn’t she just know how I feel?

When Jeff and I were analyzing our nationally representative survey of women for our book For Men Only, we found that for many women, “I do” will always mean … “Do you?”

A whopping seven out of ten women said that their relationship—and how their man felt about them—was anywhere from occasionally to nearly always on their minds.

We checked this by asking the question a different way, and it revealed an even stronger response! Four out of five women acknowledged sometimes feeling insecure about their man’s love and the relationship.

Your wife needs reassurance of your delight in her. Again and again and … again.

So many men are confused by this. When Jeff and I speak at marriage events, we use a polling program that allows people to ask live, anonymous questions that we cast onscreen. Inevitably, one of the main questions is: WHY? Why does she not just assume I love her?

Guys, here’s the reason. No matter how secure and confident your wife seems at work and home, she has this subconscious question running under the surface:

Would he choose me all over again?

This is not an all-the-time, conscious question unless your marriage is in overt difficulty, or if you’re in a season of being grumpy, withdrawn, or not paying much attention to her (in which case, overt difficulty usually follows). But because roughly 80% of women ask deep down, “Am I loveable?” it morphs in marriage to, “Does he really love me?”

Which brings us back to David Blough and Hunter Woodhall. You can’t cheer on your wife enough! You know the sacrifices she’s made. You see how hard she works. It’s time to tell her.

Here’s a cheat sheet for how to make sure your wife knows you’re in her corner:

Action #1: Celebrate her achievements publicly.

This doesn’t mean you have to shout from the rooftops. Then again, social media has given us virtual rooftops to shout from. This can be as simple as posting a photo of her garden or her 5K race, with a few words about how resourceful and determined she is.

I heard of one husband’s post of his wife holding a first-day-of-school sign, only hers said: “First day of graduate school.” His caption was a dizzying string of emojis: I don’t remember all of them, but I know the heart, first bump, and flexed-muscle emojis were in the mix.

If your wife recently started a business or got promoted at work, take her out to dinner to toast to her accomplishment. When you’re with family or friends, make it a natural part of conversation to celebrate your wife. Just think of simple comments that honor who she is.

Action #2: Support her behind the scenes

Whether it’s an athletic goal, a business launch, a return to school, or just the day-to-day routine, your wife can’t do it alone. She may feel like she’s supposed to be able to do it all, but none of us are built for that.

A huge part of cheering her on is to provide the tangible support she needs with whatever needs to get done. You may already do the yard work and house maintenance, and think you’re equally sharing the load. And I’ve interviewed and surveyed enough men to know that most of you want to equally share the load. You want to be the rock your wife can lean on.

But it’s also possible that you have no idea how many hours she puts in that you’re not aware of. Ask her about that. If she is just as busy as you, or more, consider what you can take off her plate.

Not only does this help her reach her goals, but it allows her to do so with her mental, physical, and spiritual health intact. Recent research from Gallup found that more than six in ten U.S. women say it’s hard to make their health a top priority. More than half say that their biggest barriers are:

• feeling overwhelmed
• caring for family members
• lack of time

Take a careful look at that list, guys. More than half of women are struggling with those things. How about your wife? If you have kids, think of ways to entertain them or take them out of the house so your wife has focused time to work (or catch her breath). Consider ways you can restructure your family schedule to better support your wife’s dreams and support a rhythm of rest.

If you’re not sure what would be helpful, simply ask her what she needs.

Action #3. Let her know the mundane matters to you.

Celebrating your wife’s big accomplishments is important, but so is cheering her on in the everydayness of life. Express gratitude for the unseen things she does such as laundry, changing diapers, taking care of sick kids or pets, and volunteering in the concession stand—all possibly while working long hours to complete her big work project.

Your encouragement can be as simple as leaving a note on the bathroom mirror that says, “Thank you for being a great wife.” Or reaching for her hand at the end of a long day and pulling her into a big hug.

If you do this in front of your kids, even better! One of my team members has a family rule that you don’t leave the table until you thank the person who made the meal. This shows their kids that someone worked to prepare the food, and that’s worthy of recognition.

Simple habits like these cultivate a family dynamic rooted in gratitude. And you can take the lead simply by encouraging your wife.

In big life achievements and in behind-the-scenes home life, your wife needs to know that you would choose her all over again. And when you cheer for her, this goes deep into her heart and puts to rest any buried doubts inside her.

For today anyway.

And tomorrow is a new day to let her know that you meant it when you said, “I do.”

Guys, if you’d like to dive deeper into the inner life of your wife or fiancé, pick up a copy of For Men Only today. You’ll be so glad you did.

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If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

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