Closing Our Money “Worry Windows” 

Imagine the human mind as a computer screen, with each thought, feeling, or worry as one open window. Now imagine you have a dozen windows open – many thoughts or concerns bouncing around in your mind.  

You probably want to close a few! But how?  

In our book, Thriving in Love and Money, Jeff and I share that there are often differences between men and women in how we close open windows – and how quickly. Turns out, if men are bothered by a concern that they don’t want to deal with, they can usually just “click the X,” so to speak, and close that worry-window. (No fair, right?) For most women, our worries keep popping up until we take action to address them. 

Take Avery and Liam, who are pregnant with their first child. Avery described walking the beach on a recent vacation they had scrimped to afford, when she saw an intense storm coming. Instantly, she started hustling back to their beach rental to close the storm windows so they wouldn’t be charged an extra clean-up fee. That simple concern triggered many other thoughts: 

I so dislike my job … but I must stay until the baby is born for insurance purposes. 

We need to buy a second car before the baby comes… but when did interest rates get so high?  

Did I hurt the baby when I got into that jacuzzi before I knew I was pregnant? Lord, I hope he’s okay. Maybe I should do an extra check-in with the doctor. 

Our drafty old house needs some repairs before winter hits and the baby arrives. 

I hope Liam is not still mad at me for splurging on two HVAC units… But he was out of town, and they were such a deal … and we really needed them. Why doesn’t Liam agree?  

Closing Emotional Windows with Money 

For Avery, taking action to allay her concerns and prepare a safe world for her child included spending dollars, some of which were not in “the budget” – or even discussed! It turns out that this mindset is the way many people click the X button. In fact, in our focus groups for Thriving in Love and Money, we found that even though women are just as likely to be savers as men, three out of four women are also far more willing to spend money if that’s what it takes to close an open worry-window. 

So, does that sound familiar? About you or your spouse? If so, read on. Because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or an HVAC installer) to see that this approach to closing worry windows is a little more costly than simply clicking “X.” That is not to say that this approach is wrong – just that it is something you and your spouse need to be on the same page about. So to work as a team, head off impulsivity, and ward off worry without fear, here are four tips that can help. 

Tip #1: Know thyself 

Our research showed that, when it comes to money, many unconscious motivations are at play. Everyone uses money as an antidote to their insecurities – whether that means saving to allay concerns about getting fired, or spending on the new outfit to feel good.  

Avery is a great example. As a child, she was often cold in her family’s drafty old house. Her parents, made of sturdy Nordic genes, waved off the children’s pleas for more warmth and made furnace repair a lower priority. Avery vowed that when she grew up, her home would be warm for her children – no matter what.  

So, when the couple’s two HVAC units started to wane, Avery didn’t hesitate to purchase new units when a deal came around. Sure, she had to shuffle some funds around and even put one unit on a credit card. But at least, she reasoned, the new baby would be warm! 

When it comes to financial expenses, it’s important to tease out any underground motivations that might be influencing how you view and use money. Often our “money issues” reveal hurts that need healing and areas of shaky trust that need the Holy Spirit’s tender touch. 

Tip #2: Listen to your spouse’s priorities 

Sometimes, seeking our type of security can make our partner feel less secure about theirs. It turns out that Avery’s husband Liam had a very different highest priority: to create financial security for his family.  

He wanted to stick with a budget to be stable and be able to occasionally surprise his wife with good things. So, when Avery made large purchases without discussion – and without regard for her husband’s values in this area – she not only thwarted his goals but communicated that she didn’t care about his priorities.  

Needless to say, ignoring one partner’s priorities is not a good long-term strategy for success! 

Tip #3 – Be specific about how you’ll work together 

One of the best tools for resolving financial conflict is to be specific – especially about what you are willing to change, and what you are hoping for. In other words, if conflict emerges, make a plan together about what specific spending habits you’re willing to change to get your budget and your priorities where you want them to go. 

In the case of the second HVAC sitting on a credit card, for example, Avery helped head off Liam’s worry about how they’d pay for it by saying she’d be happy to forego their entertainment patterns for a season (regular dinners out, movies, get-togethers with friends) in order to enjoy the peace of knowing their baby would enjoy a warm nest. 

This knowledge helped Liam nudge his worry window into a better place. 

Tip #4 – Don’t soothe your worries by making your spouse’s worse  

When we enter marriage, we are not only called to listen to our spouse’s priorities but to honor their vulnerabilities. Remember … they have worries and insecurities, too. And we have to learn what those are and look for ways to honor our spouse rather than making their worries worse.  

When Lone Ranger Avery put herself into her husband’s shoes, she realized that he was totally committed to providing for and protecting his family – and for him, this was best accomplished with disciplined financial management. Avery learned she needed to communicate her desires before impulsively acting on them. She learned that, even if she was closing a worry window of her own (no baby of mine is going to be cold in a drafty house!), it might sometimes come at the expense of throwing open a worry window for Liam (how will we pay for this and still stick to the budget we discussed?). And if so, that was a clue and a cue for them to talk things through together. 

By learning how to talk through both partner’s worries, Avery and Liam are now on their way to the best part of doing money management well: taking something that could have been a source of conflict, and turning it into a source of connection. 

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

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