Why Is It So Hard to Talk About Sex?

Let’s be honest: Conversations (or blogs!) about sex can seem embarrassing or vulnerable. And yet, for married couples, our research has found that talking about sex clearly matters.

In fact, in the largest nationally representative study ever conducted with married couples about sex – which grew into a book I coauthored with Dr. Michael Sytsma called Secrets of Sex & Marriage – we found that a full 73% of couples don’t talk about sex well, Mostly because it’s too awkward or difficult. But our research confirms that couples who do communicate openly about sex are measurably happier in their marriages (in fact 89% are in the highest rungs of marital happiness.)

Let me say that again: couples who can learn to communicate about sexual intimacy are far more likely to be happy in their marriage.

Consider this all-too-common-scenario between a representative couple I’ll call Brad and Susan. Brad slides into bed and begins to rub his wife’s back. He’s been feeling disconnected from her and hopes to bridge the gap between them with physical intimacy. Susan pulls away, her utter exhaustion winning out over concern about any rejection he may feel. Plus … had he even asked about her day?

His heart sinks with disappointment. She feels emotionally lonely. And their distance deepens.

No words are spoken. But plenty is said.

So what’s clogging up our communication on this topic? Here are three research-based reasons we steer clear of talking about sex – and ideas for eliminating the roadblocks.

Reason #1:  It’s just so…awkward.

Maybe you didn’t have good guidance about sex when you were growing up. I can’t tell you the number of people in our interviews who said something along the lines of, “My parents just avoided the entire subject.” If your family felt awkward talking about sex, it is not surprising that you would have some awkwardness talking about it too. Thankfully, as you’ll see below, that doesn’t have to be the end of the story.

Or maybe your family was able to talk about the topic just fine – but your experience of intimacy in your marriage really doesn’t line up with your expectations based on steamy movie scenes. So you conclude there’s something wrong with you or your spouse. And it just feels too vulnerable or embarrassing to bring up the topic.

What to do: Approach your spouse with curiosity – about them, not just about sex.

Remember when you were a kid and you had a playful, curious mindset as you looked at people and the world? What if you approached your spouse that way? Think about it as being curious about how your spouse thinks and feels, rather than about something that might feel a bit more embarrassing (like sexual practices).

Take Brad and Susan for example. What if the next morning (not in the bedroom) Susan were to ask Brad something like, “I felt like we hadn’t talked in a while and it surprised me when you wanted to connect. I’d love to hear what was in your mind – other than the obvious! What was the reason you wanted to be together?” Perhaps Dave could think about it and explain that sex, for him, makes him feel closer to Susan, and that closeness is what he was trying to create.

That relaxed and curious attitude will then truly help with the next step in communication, which is to talk about sex itself. A few tips:

• Put on your detective hat to discover what is pleasing to your spouse – including what may have changed over time. It is a direct way of saying, “I care about you.”
• Be curious about your partner’s body. Being respectfully curious during intimacy allows for more playful and satisfying sex. Plus, the intensely personal nature of sexual curiosity can also foster a sense of safety in the relationship.
• Push through the awkwardness and just talk about it in whatever way that you can. To the degree that you can begin to talk, you’ll feel more comfortable with the topic. It’s like building a skill: repetition helps.

One way to comfortably talk about sex and about your spouse’s thoughts and feelings is to read a book together on the topic. Dr. Sytsma and I designed and wrote Secrets of Sex & Marriage as a book a couple could comfortably read together. Consider even reading out loud to one another, and stopping regularly to ask things like, “Is this true of you?”

Using a book as a starting point is a fantastic, simple way to get you talking and sharing.

Reason #2: We feel like our situation isn’t “normal.”

When Jeff and I speak at marriage events, worried couples often seek advice about problems in the bedroom. Although we do not address technical difficulties, we can wholeheartedly reassure them that they are not alone. In fact, almost all couples have at least one significant “issue” in the bedroom. You should see the lightbulbs go on! Hearing that many other couples struggle in the same way melts their fears and gives them courage to find a solution.

What to do: Shift your perspective of “normal” and instead focus on what works best for the two of you.

Here’s the short version of what we’ve shared with many couples at events: we have to realize that feeling like our sex life isn’t “normal” is normal! What gets us into trouble is when we retreat and become isolated. Then we spiral and falsely believe we’re the only couple on planet Earth having the issues we’re having, when in fact millions of people probably navigate the same issues we’re experiencing.

It will help to expand our view of “normal” and realize that the nuances of desire, frequency, and bedroom habits are unique to each couple. (Dr. Systma and I look into these in statistical detail in chapter 2 of Secrets of Sex & Marriage.)

Instead of worrying about what is normal, focus instead on communicating about your thoughts, feelings and what matters for each of you. This will allow you to build patterns that work best for the two of you.

Reason #3: I don’t want to hurt my spouse’s feelings

Each of us cares deeply about our spouse – and we know that raising sexual issues can be a very tender topic. It can be easier to decide, “I wish he/she knew __________, but it’s not worth it to hurt his/her feelings.”

But avoiding the topic for the sake of not hurting your spouse may also be hurting your spouse! Back to our example of Brad and Susan. Building communication about what was causing the hurt and distance could have helped solve it! Even better, over time, it would prevent it. Brad could have explained his hope that sexual intimacy would draw them close. Susan could have conveyed she was just plain exhausted but maybe they could get the kids to bed early the next night and make time for both emotional and sexual intimacy.

What to do: Make time – at the right time – to talk about sex.

Each of us needs to make time to talk about this topic – again, at some point outside the bedroom! And just as important as making time to talk, is finding the right time to talk. Talking about sex frequency may not go well when you’re in bed and discovering that your spouse isn’t “in the mood” or that you’re feeling defensive.

So rather than waiting until bedtime, hit the back patio or go for a walk to talk about this sacred part of your relationship. Just make sure you’re bringing the subject up when you both agree that the timing is right.

Openly talking to your spouse about your thoughts and feelings around sex can help launch you into the highly happy category of marriage.

And here’s one reason why: If you are willing to communicate openly with one another, and are intent on listening well and sharing honestly, you will probably even get to issues under the surface that have nothing to do with sex. As you gently honor one another’s vulnerability in discussing this intimate part of marriage, you and your spouse can progress in the journey toward a deeply fulfilling marriage.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

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