What Husbands Need Most From Their Wives (Part 2)

This is the second part of a multi-part series on what our spouses need, but may not always articulate. In Part 1 and this Part 2, we are focusing on what most husbands need. Starting next week, we focus on wives. 

So, did you have good conversations with your man after reading Part 1? Did you two identify any inner thoughts and feelings that he has experienced but hasn’t quite expressed before?  

Not long ago, I was interviewing a marriage counselor for my next research project, and he asked if he could share something first. He told me that he regularly shares the nationally representative research from our books, including For Women Only and For Men Only, with hurting couples. He has seen many well-intentioned couples get into a deep rut because they are either hurting each other without intending to or simply not speaking the other person’s language. Over and over, he has seen that once they understand the inner, often unspoken emotions underneath the surface, they know how to love their spouse well and rebuild the relationship. They truly understand what has been hurting the other person – and know how to build their partner up instead. 

In the spirit of that type of understanding, let’s build on Emotional Needs 1, 2 and 3 and tackle the next three inner needs that men may feel deeply, but don’t always know how to say. Remember: each of these articles is purposefully not two-sided: we are focusing solely on men in Part 1 and 2, and then focusing solely on women in our next two articles. (Please read Part 1, including the caveats, before reading Part 2.) 

Emotional Need #4: Connection and conversation – with some space 

According to the For Women Only research, part of what men love about being married is one of the same things we love about being married: companionship, connection, and sharing and hearing things we may not share with anyone else. The issue is this: because of common differences in how male and female brains are wired, the way men and women connect and listen can tend to be a bit different.  

Your man probably loves hearing what you have to say and he wants to hear about your life. But he probably can’t hear about your whole life, all at once, without time for processing.  

In the research, multiple men used a similar word picture to try to describe what this felt like. Imagine, they said, that you have a pitcher full of water, representing all those things you want to share. Your husband loves you and wants to hear those things, but he has a glass that can only hold so much water. As you pour in your thoughts, concerns, and updates, there comes a tipping point. Eventually his brain feels “full” and words start spilling back out. He’s not absorbing them in the way he wants to.  

At that point, many men described the distressing feeling of wanting to listen in the way you need, but almost being unable to. The guys said they had to absorb and process the water and get a bit of space in the glass before they could be ready for you to pour in more. This was particularly important when decisions needed to be made and/or emotions were running high. 

Many men begin to feel inadequate at this point. One guy said, “I feel defective, like something is wrong with my brain.” It is liberating once both partners realize that in many cases the male brain simply needs a bit of time and space to process what he is hearing. Quite a few women reading this probably know exactly what this feels like as well. Whether someone is male or female, the need for time and space to think is a characteristic of being an internal processor rather than a verbal processor. 

So here are some practical ideas as you two talk:  

• When the two of you see each other after a period of time apart (after a day of work, a time of travel, etc.), pick the single most important thing you’d like to talk with him about and tackle that first.  

• If possible, let him know what your priority is – especially if you are looking for something specific by the end. As one guy explained it, “It really helps me to know up front that she is hoping we can come to a conclusion about something. That helps me listen in the right way. It is a different type of listening than when she tells me, ‘I don’t want you to fix it, I just want you to listen.’”  

• Give one another permission to ask and/or say something like, “Is your brain full?” Or, “Can we take a break until tomorrow morning? I need to process for a bit.”  

• If a conclusion or decision is needed, ask if he needs time to process, and roughly how long. Then give him that time. He’ll feel seen and known. 

Emotional Need #5: Protection for his heart  

There is some great advice in this bible verse: “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” (Proverbs 4:23 NLT).  

As wives, we have the sacred privilege of realizing how tender our husbands’ hearts really are. (Just as they do with us.) So even if your man projects confidence, it’s crucial to know that on the inside, most men regularly feel real self-doubt. They question themselves as a husband and as a father: 76% of men in my nationally representative survey confessed they are not as confident as they look. 

Our husbands love us, appreciate us, and offer their whole selves to us. Thus, no one holds more power to strengthen – or shred – their hearts than … us.  

One man described having a castle wall around his heart that protects his personal and professional life. People can shoot arrows at his heart, but those comments or actions won’t really “reach” him and cause deep hurt. And yet he will cautiously inch open the castle doors and invite the woman he loves and perhaps a few close friends to see his real feelings, knowing that he is placing his heart at risk.  

Practical ideas to handle his heart with care: 

1. When you are frustrated, remember you are speaking to the inner, tender-hearted man, not the outer confident-looking one. (See Part 1 for more on this.)  

2. Let your man make day-to-day, minor mistakes (like the situation he didn’t handle perfectly with little Johnny) in peace. By giving him an emotionally safe space to be himself at home, he is willing to keep those castle doors open to you.  

3. Pursue him sexually. I’m jumping the gun on #6, but your pursuit of him in the bedroom actually plays a huge confidence-building role for many men. 

Emotional Need #6: Sexual intimacy 

OK, you knew this topic would show up somewhere. But a light bulb may go off when you realize why. It is not primarily a “physical thing.” Feeling desired is actually emotionally vital for many men. (Just as it is for many women.)  

Many men in the research shared that if they make a move and their wife says not now, what they may hear is “not you.” In this vulnerable area, it is easy to feel rejected and isolated. 

On the other hand, in the For Women Only data, 77% of men stated that regular sexual intimacy with a wife who wanted to be with him, would improve his sense of well-being and satisfaction with all of life. It is often that powerful!  

Some practical ideas to foster intimacy (and again, as mentioned in Part 1, if you are in a toxic relationship, these do not apply): 

• Put a reminder in your phone to initiate, if it has been a while. 

• If you’re not “in the mood,” make sure he knows that it is a timing issue. (“Honey, it’s been such a hard day, how about Saturday instead?”) If it takes you awhile to get “in the mood,” encourage your husband to drop affectionate, playful hints and give you anticipation time. 

• If there are obstacles to intimacy – anything from sexual pain to not feeling close enough right now – work through those in whatever way is needed. Get the medical help or the marriage counseling (see secretsofsexandmarriage.com for referral options). This part of marriage is important for both of you.  

Hopefully all that we covered will give you some great opportunities for conversation and closeness with your man. For the next two weeks, we’ll look at what wives need most from their husbands.  

In the meantime, what’s one step from this week’s blog you’re willing to try today? I’d love to read your comments! 

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

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