The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 2)

This is Part 2 of a three-part series on an essential factor for finding peace instead of stress in our lives.

All of us want to find rest and peace instead of stress and regret, and in Part 1 we revealed one of the most important factors—which is also one of the most overlooked: Are we living according to our season of life?

It is so easy for us high-capacity women to live as if seasons don’t really exist, but when we try to “do it all,” all at the same time, we work against the way God has designed life to function for every human. (Women and men.)

So how do we take that abstract concept and turn it into a pathway for thriving? What does that look like, on a day-to-day basis? If you’re interested in going deeper, I strongly recommend my Find Balance Bible Study or The Life Ready Woman companion book. But here are several action steps to get us started.

Action Step #1 (in Part 1) was to work with our season, rather than against it.  The next steps explain more about what that means.

Action step #2: Right-size your expectations

When it comes down to it, what creates most of the unhappiness in our lives? Unmet expectations. We expect something, and if it doesn’t happen the way we want, we are disappointed, unhappy, stressed, or even grieving.

For example, imagine that we think we “should” be able to work full time and be the volleyball mom at school and cook dinner every night and keep a beautiful, restful home and give our husband all the attention he needs during a difficult season while his mother is in the hospital. But of course, we can’t accomplish all those things well all at once, so we feel guilt, frustration, or even resentment. (“I know his mom is in the hospital, but why can’t he do a better job at all the cleaning?”)

Those negative feelings don’t come from nowhere; they arise because of our expectations. But now switch the script. Imagine that instead, we expect that we are going to have to let a few things go for a few years during this season. (“I can have my tidiness standards met or I can be volleyball mom or I can cook a healthy meal every night, but I can’t do all three.”) What happens? Suddenly there’s no hook for guilt or resentment.

Action step #3: Debunk the myths

Where do our unrealistic “do-it-all” expectations come from? I’m sure some of you are thinking I’m nuts for asking that question! (You mean other than every movie, TV show or social media post implying we should be Superwoman?)

We have to debunk the myths of our culture—and even from a biblical misunderstanding. I used to feel overwhelmed by the Proverbs 31 woman. She did everything: she made food, purchased fields, generated profits, stayed up late, got up early, served the poor, ran her household—all while her husband and community praised her! Whoa. This lady might give us a complex if we let her!

But we need to see just what this woman is meant to teach us—and what she isn’t. Here’s what I wrote in my 60-day devotional, Find Rest:

It is very easy to feel inferior with this snapshot of womanhood taped to my mirror, calling me to look like this someday.

But the Proverbs 31 woman is not a real woman! This is not Mary or Elizabeth or Rachel. This is not a portrait of an actual woman at some ultimate moment in time when she “has it all together.” Proverbs 31 is a big-picture view of the life of a woman of noble character— not a description of someone who does all these things perfectly, all at once.

This archetypal character does a lot—but not all at the same time. Rather, she is being described over “all the days of her life.” (Verse 12). And—very important to point out—she also had servants to do a lot of the work!

Action step #4: Embrace your current season

Some aspirations and desires will be more suited to another season of life. But some are perfectly tuned to where we are right now. And as we embrace where we are—rather than where we are not—joy and gratitude replace stress and regret.

For example, a friend of mine had a really hard time when her kids went off to college. She wanted to keep being “volleyball mom” and didn’t know how to navigate life now that her days didn’t revolve around her kids. But then she realized: “Wait a minute! I’ve always wished I had a college degree. Why not try that now?” Sure, she missed the volleyball years. But she threw herself into her current season and is loving it.

Other aspirations can be dialed in as long as we create the conditions necessary for that season.

For example, another woman had loved community theater in her single years but assumed she would have to give it up as the kids came along. But then her husband said, “Why? This gives you life! Let’s figure this out. Since most of the rehearsals and shows are on nights and weekends when I can be with the kids … you go do your thing!” With a supportive spouse (one of the factors to consider), and realistic expectations (she knew she and her husband would have less time together during theater season and make up for it at other times), she and her family thrived.

Action step #5: Make proactive choices

This is where, to use the classic phrase, the rubber meets the road.

We don’t think enough about having to make actual, proactive choices—which is one reason we are so stressed. But in all of life, a choice for something is a choice against something else. So we are constantly making choices whether we realize it or not.

In Choosing to Cheat, pastor Andy Stanley summarizes the message in terms of relationships: “There is not enough time to get it all done. Somebody is going to feel left out, neglected, or cheated. So, the real question is not are you cheating, but who are you cheating? You need to be intentional about the choice.”

Using the example from earlier, suppose you do try to do it all and also obsess over a tidy house. You’ll probably miss out on quality time with your family. Or if you are single and in a high-powered career, every business trip you accept takes you away from the weekly Bible study at church where you could grow spiritually with Christian friends and perhaps get to know a special someone.

We have to make proactive choices rather than letting them be made for us. We might start a special working group at the office to fill a desperate need, and then later back down and allow another person to do the heavy lifting—even if it means getting a lower bonus. Or the reverse: we might choose to keep going and get the higher bonus to pay off student debt, even though we know the choice will mean less time with our family for a while (or less time for activities, or potential dates, or working out…).

Often, it is not that a particular choice is wrong or right. Instead, it is that a choice has to be made. So let’s look at our priorities and determine where our time is best spent in our current season. What should we revolve around? And what can we set on the back burner for a better fit into another season? Ultimately: how can we embrace our current season more fully (which includes tackling the thorny question that we’ll unpack in Part 3—what to do if we don’t want to make certain choices or be constrained by this “seasons” concept)?

Thankfully, we do not have to wrestle with these questions alone. God promises wisdom to those who ask. And other women—of different ages and seasons of life—have a lot to offer. (To explore more on this topic and others, grab some friends for a summer or fall small group and go through Find Balance, an 8-week, video-guided Bible study. You’ll learn how to experience more of life, create biblical balance, and develop a personal plan for fulfilling your unique callings designed just for you by God.)

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

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