Why Does My Wife Expect Me to Read Her Mind?
Recently, we tackled “How to read your wife’s mind.” This time, we tackle the question of why your wife might expect you to read her mind in the first place! These articles are part of our ongoing initiative to equip engaged and newlywed couples. Please pass it along to someone who might find it helpful! Or sign up to receive these research-based weekly tips yourself.
Why does my wife or girlfriend expect me to know what she’s thinking? This is the question asked by many a puzzled or frustrated man in our interviews over the years.
You got her jewelry for her birthday when what she really wanted was a movie night out with her friends. She wanted you to take the kids to the playground on Saturday morning so she could sleep in after a hard week at the hospital, but never actually told you so. She really, really wanted you home early for dinner but you took a late meeting because you didn’t know it mattered.
So now she is sad and you’re frustrated. Why does she not just tell you certain things? Why does she expect you to read her mind? If you’ve been puzzled (or irritated) by those questions, read on. After 18 years of research with more than 20,000 women, including multiple nationally-representative surveys, we have identified four crucial truths that will help you understand this—and what to do about it.
Truth #1: She has a vulnerability inside that you may not be aware of
This may surprise you, but your wife or girlfriend almost certainly doesn’t “expect” you to actually read her mind. However, she probably does expect you to notice when something is wrong and press into it. And on a day-to-day basis, she probably does expect that you will pay enough attention to her to find out what she’s thinking, what matters to her, what is going on in her heart. So before we go any further, we need to explain why that is.
One of the biggest surprises for many men when they read our book For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Womenis that even the most confident and competent woman—that amazing woman you’re dating or married to—has a subconscious question about whether she is loved and loveable. Under the surface, she’s asking things like: “Does he really care enough about me to want to know me?” “Am I worth being noticed and known?” “Does he still love me?”
It might sound funny to you because you adore your wife. But if she’s like 82% of women, those questions are very likely the hidden cry of her heart.
While you were dating, you may not have overtly realized it, but you were probably doing everything you could to answer those questions well every day. You were trying to make her feel special, known and loved. You called her and asked how her day went. You listened when she got emotional about the baby in the NICU ward that her team couldn’t save. You noticed when she seemed a bit quiet after you arrived late for dinner, and pressed in to ask, “What’s wrong?” All those things say “You are special. You are known. You are loved.”
But if you are goal-oriented, after the wedding you may have thought, Ok, deal done! and stopped sending that “you are known” message every day. Instead of noticing something and pressing in to figure it out, you may have begun to mentally shrug and think to yourself, I don’t know what is going on, but I guess she’ll tell me if it’s something I need to know. In the meantime, I’m sure I can pull something from the freezer for dinner . . .
In other words, without ever realizing it, you may have stopped meeting one of her deepest needs.
Which brings us to the most foundational reason she wants you to read her mind.
Truth #2: When you seek out what matters to her, without being told, you are signaling how much you love her
Because your wife or girlfriend probably has that inner vulnerability, she may be longing for you to seek out what matters to her as a way of soothing that vulnerability. When she doesn’t tell you something, it may be because—subconsciously or consciously—she is hoping you will care enough about her to figure it out. (Will he notice I had such a hard week and ask if he could take the kids and let me sleep in? Or Will he notice I’ve been a bit sad lately and ask what would cheer me up, like a girls’ night out?)
This may seem like playing games. It may seem like “she’s testing me.” All of which may drive you nuts. But that’s not what is going on. Because it is not a game. Down in the deep places, her heart is truly asking, “Does he really care enough about me to want to know me?”
After all, flip the script on this. Do you have an underground vulnerability about whether you are good at those things you do for your wife or girlfriend? Do you ever, subconsciously or consciously, look for signals that she appreciates or admires what you do for her? For example, do you ever mow and tend to the lawn while hoping she will care enough to notice, without being told? (Will she notice that I was out there for three hours in the heat and made everything look nice?) Are you hoping that she will drive back in the driveway and go, “Oh! It looks amazing! Thank you for doing that!” And if she doesn’t, do you ever get a bit frustrated or sad? (And if you are trying to handle this desire in a healthy way, do you ever go looking for the affirmation if she doesn’t naturally give it? Like: “Did you notice anything about the front yard?”)
Is that a game? No. What you are looking for is the exact same thing that your wife or girlfriend is looking for: a message that will speak to the insecurity in your heart.
Now, we should make clear: It is not your responsibility to “make your wife feel good about herself.” Just as it is not her responsibility to do that for you. That is not what we’re talking about. But it is an opportunity to care for the other person’s heart in a way that will really matter.
Truth #3: When you routinely seek out what matters to her, her vulnerability will arise a lot less often
There is great news here: Your efforts to discover what matters and “learn” her every day will build a true security under the surface of her heart. Her vulnerability may never fully go away—just as yours may never fully go away—but you can build a sense in her that she really is special and known and loved. After all, 18% of the women on our survey said their husband sent those signals so well, that they truly no longer questioned whether they were loved.
So how do you get there? That leads to our fourth and final truth.
Truth #4: Seeking out what matters to her emotionally, is just as important as providing for the family financially
The most important habit for you to start with is what we covered in the first piece about how to read her mind: Talk with her. Ask her what is going on in her life. Encourage her to process out loud (if she is that sort of person), and then listen.
It will help if you leave enough energy at the end of the day to do this for your wife—who is, after all, the most important person in your life. You may default to pouring more attention into your job in large part because you assume your wife is secure and your job is not. But now you know: that isn’t necessarily true.
If you’ve been saving only crumbs of energy and attention for your wife, it is almost certainly not because you don’t love her but because you are thinking, “This shouldn’t be necessary.” After all, you likely feel that one of your primary callings is to provide for your family, financially. As important as that is, it is even more important to pursue the deep need of your wife to be known and loved.
So here’s a starting point: For the next week, listen to and observe your wife or girlfriend as you ask about her day. And send daily signals that you still love her. That will help you to rediscover your delight in pursuing her, continue to “learn” her—and become the provider of the love that matters most.
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I just wish women would talk about it. Most men give their entirety, their all, their joy, happiness, the minute of thought when they sit down for a second in weeks of ongoing support and work to keep their family and wife happy and all they have to do it’s just ask nicely and it will be done. Dont treat us like we are insensitive and stop justifying unhealthy nehaviours. What this article misses is women often come into relationships like this and we have to carry the burdeon of it and It tears marriages apart. Talk to your partner, be gentle and kind, don’t be selfish, teach your sons and daughters how to be an honourable partner, don’t be manipulative, wives appreciate and be aware of your husbands sacrifice, husbands be aware of your wife’s needs and sacrifice and be nice to each other. I am sorry but we have to stop justifying poor relationship behaviours regardless of if it’s men or women.
Well said
Amen. I love my wife but if she continues to expect me to think like her so I know what she wants without her saying something – at least dropping a hint – that doesn’t seem remotely fair. It’s gotten worse since we’ve become empty nesters and I guess I’m the surrogate for the attention she used to get from our kids.
Replace “expect me to read her mind” with “expect me to pay attention and show that I care about her.”
Nope, I do pay attention to her, a lot. She comes to me with what she hoped I would do. She needed a break from (whatever) I should have known that somehow. I am tired of getting hammered for things she perceives I should’ve done. She gets mad when I ask her if she needs me to do anything. She says I should know what needs doing. True but I don’t know if she needs help with something right then. It’s getting worse and I’m looking for the door.
This is the number one reason relationships fall apart after the honeymoon phase. Men begin to resent the fact they feel like they set a precedent for how they can battle their own personal obstacles in life (job hardships, grieving death of a family member, losing connections with close friends that were healthy outlets, etc…) and juggle the attention they once provided at the beginning of relationships. In the honeymoon phase, partners don’t have to communicate gaps in the mir desire for attention they once received because the effort was a natural priority in their life at that time where they created bandwidth to allow the adulting responsibilities in their lives to flow in cruise control. But reality hits that adulting can’t permanently stay in cruise control and men must tend to our most basic need of providing/contributing towards a roof over our heads. As enough time goes by, men resent the fact that women can’t understand sacrifices were made at the beginning to have such bandwidth to be emotionally present. It’s a fallacy to pretend life doesn’t throw one or both partners curve balls. Strength in love determines how both get through it. But to do that, women must communicate when traditional men revert back to being hardwired with keeping a financially stable head on their shoulders. We’re not all blessed with our dream jobs and therefor men build more resentment when woman fail to understand our world is different than theirs whether both work or one dominantly provides for the house. It’s a very shallow misunderstanding that can be solved by reoccurring communication instead of pretending men don’t get distracted by life’s BS without a need to decompress. When something life altering comes along such as the grieving period of losing someone dear in their life, a job, the one most affected needs to deal with it in different ways. Failure to accept their temporary needs has nothing to do with lack of love towards the other person only perpetuates more misdirected resentment. Emotional vulnerability is different for every person and changes in intensity at any time. Insecurity by the one who worries the other person is losing passion throws everything out of context and always breeds fights. It’s like putting words in the other person’s mouth. No one likes that, so quit approaching it from a self centered position of insecurity when your partner is struggling unless you’re aching to push them away. If you imagine the perfect person exist that can read your mind, you’re lying to yourself. It may take multiple relationships to recognize this. Until you do, you’re are indeed just playing a game that has a predetermined ending. I’m done with the games, and if divorce has taught me anything, it’s how to qualify the BS from someone actually ready for a relationship. If you can’t communicate, quit wasting everyone’s time and enjoy your failed relationships.
Das ist alles Quark. Frauen denken und sind nicht soviel anders als Männer. Bis auf ein paar Kleinigkeiten sogar ziemlich gleich. Und genau das ist das Problem. Aber natürlich sind die Menschen, egal ob W oder M sehr unterschiedlich. Unsere Gesellschaftsordnung schafft daraus dann die Probleme. Die sorgt dann auch, Dank überbordender moderner Märchen in den Medien dafür, dass viele Frauen meinen ihr Partner müßte in der Lage sein zu fühlen was sie möchten, denken. Umgekehrt ist das nat. egal.
Die seltsamen Fehler in manchen Sätzen sind nicht von mir.