Men Making a Difference
The story spread like wildfire over social media. A troubled high school in Shreveport, Louisiana had a string of fights and 23 student arrests in just three days. So a group of 40 dads decided to take action and formed a group called Dads on Duty. They showed up at Southwood High School in shifts, walking the hallways, greeting the students, encouraging kids to get to class on time, and making dad jokes. The results: no more fighting. And better yet, a feeling of safety and peace.
Here’s the question: How could the mere presence of just five or ten adults at a time so dramatically turn chaos into peace in a school with more than 1,500 students? It’s because something powerfully transformative happens when men step up. Which means they also need to be allowed to do so.
We have to change the current trends toward discouragement, and encourage men to be all they are made to be
It is so important to recognize the power men have to be a unique force for good in our families and culture. Similarly, we must not discourage men with the sense that they are not wanted and needed for who they are—and for who God made them to be.
The problem, of course, is that our cultural discourse today often sends the opposite message—and in some ways it seems to be getting worse, not better. In certain quarters of social media this year, I’ve been astounded at the level of vitriol leveled at men. If there’s a problem in a marriage, it is automatically assumed to be because of the husband. Men are seen as the privileged and the “patriarchal.” They’re the aggressors and the abusers, right? We don’t even have a vocabulary for women as either of those things, although logically we know that a critical or controlling woman can be just as abusive as a critical or controlling man.
The resulting sense is that we must stay on top of men in a way we don’t have to with women. We must reign men in. They aren’t “allowed” to have a voice about all sorts of things. We must make sure women—and society as a whole—have good boundaries with men. That we hold them accountable. Now, is it true that some men are abusive and controlling? Tragically, yes, and that must always be strongly condemned and strongly addressed. But is that most men? No. That is a world away from being true.
Most men want to make a difference
I’ve been doing interviews, focus groups and surveys with men for 18 years, for books such as For Women Only and others. And one thing is overwhelmingly clear: Although no one does it perfectly, most men are strong and caring. Powerful and wise with the use of that power. Providers outside the home and wanting to be loving and present inside the home.
Privileged? Sure—historically, especially. But being a man is not a sin. Simply having male tendencies of emotion and motivation is not wrong and should not be suspect. Now, male ways of thinking and acting are not automatically right, either. Men will do wrong things just like anyone else, but simply being a guy is not wrong. And when society (and television, movies, and social media) essentially infer that it is, how does that make all men feel? How does it make our sons feel?
Of more concern for society, how can men not want to check out when they feel they can do nothing right? When they hear they are not just privileged but broken? When they hear they should not want to handle things in a certain way, simply because it seems foreign to women? When they are told that no matter how honorably they handle the visual temptations that arise in their minds, they should not have those temptations to begin with? When they are told their anger is sinful—rather than being affirmed that anger can be a legitimate sign of emotional pain and the key is to not sin in their anger? Men were designed by God and they were designed on purpose. And one such purpose is what we see walking the halls of a high school in Louisiana. To be a voice of strength and care in a world that desperately needs it. But the way a good man will want to do that may be different from the way a good woman will want to do that. We have to start encouraging and praising the healthy, caring men around us for being who they are—rather than subtly implying that the way they are is broken.
Men can “abandon the field” or step up—and women can help
In the midst of a recent social media attack on a respected pastor by an activist Christian women’s group, I asked a few men for their thoughts. As one told me, “When I see someone criticizing a man as ‘abusive’ even though I didn’t see certain words or actions as abusive at all, I automatically want to stop trying. To abandon the field. Because if you’ll be seen that way just because you handle things differently, why would you put yourself out there? If these amazing men of faith are being so brutally attacked on social media, what hope do I have? Better to not try to be part of the church. It’s for women.”
In talking to my husband, Jeff, about this, he shared an important perspective and challenge to men who might feel the same way: “Sometimes there’s the sense that people think men are almost inherently abusive. We think, ‘This is how women feel about all of us.’ But that is not true, either. Those who imply that about men are themselves just a few bad actors. They are loud but they aren’t representative. I don’t think that is how we are truly seen. So we need to step up instead of just give up.”
That is exactly what the Dads on Duty did. That amazing group of men saw such success in their efforts that they now want to form chapters around Louisiana and hopefully throughout the country. I hope there is explosive encouragement for any man who wants to do that. And from this woman here, I’d like to thank this group of men from the bottom of my heart, for not only staying on the field but for winning the game.
And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.
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More from Shaunti’s Blog:
Back-To-School Prep – Add Kindness To The List
When Life (and Relationships) Aren’t What You Hoped (Part 3)
When Life (and Relationships) Aren’t What You Hoped (Part 2)
When Life (and Relationships) Aren’t What You Hoped (Part 1)
6 Steps to Change Your Marriage for the Better (Part 2)
just a quick thank you, the post echoed how I feel, I felt no matter how hard I tried it was never Goodenough.
Great that some women are actually seeing that on the whole men are good (of course not all sadly)
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! For many years I’ve been praying that some one of influence would have the courage to address this issue. We have empowered and encouraged females to take the man’s God given role. This has been very costly to everyone. It takes great courage to let the man leader and support him if he makes a mistake. We have for years demanded that men do this for women, it’s time we give them the same courtesy.
I’m behind you 100 percent in praying this is the start of a great move of God on our men!
Yes!
I pray for strength in the onslaught that is sure to come your way for speaking so boldly and truthfully.
I’ll reread; my spouse has anger abusive, impulsive – Incredible hulk-ways. Ur article is good; BUT boundaries r Necessary, when Habitual anger like volcano Erupts most of time. thx for insights. I read this v Defensive/cautiously-due to what i’ve said.
Teresa, if you are living with someone who is abusive and aggressive, this article is not for you. Don’t make yourself feel worse, you don’t need to read this if this is not your reality.
To the post author–I think you are trying to present these two situations as opposite sides of coin–when they are not.
The story of the Dads on Duty is great–would love to see more of this around the country. Dads being involved is wonderful. As the parent of two adult children I had a good idea which parents of their friends and classmates were checked in and involved. For boys especially—seeing their dad read, take them to the library or going camping can make a huge difference. Yes we should encourage parents to be involved.
Everyone needs encouraging voices. I grew up in a “patriarchal” church where women did not have a voice and there were many women are “less than” voices. I think today now that women have a more of a voice through social media there is more pushback when some see messages from male religious leaders that are not helpful. And as you say–of course all men are not abusive–but when good men don’t stand up against problematic messages–these situations don’t get better.
You speak about anger very briefly without giving additional qualifiers except “sin”. People who don’t have control over their anger can put their personal relationships and jobs in jeopardy. They can have legal consequences. I grew up in a house where behind closed doors there was an incredible amount of anger–it was extraordinarily corrosive to me growing up and required a lot of effort to not repeat what I had seen growing up.
Unfortunately my sister was not overcome this legacy of anger in all areas of her life–not sure if we will ever have a close relationship.
You don’t name the well respected pastor or the particular situation. Even well respected pastors can make mistakes. It is my understanding in the Protestant tradition that the teachings of any one pastor are not infallible. Why do we treat them as such? Why have leaders consistently ignored what teachings might be problematic from a handful of pastors?
You are saying these activist women are discouraging voices—-but whether you agree with them or not–these women are reacting to teachings that they don’t find encouraging. Why can’t we have a larger conversation about this? Why is it okay for these pastors to make these discouraging statements toward women but women are not allowed to ask questions? Why can’t pastors “hear” when women tell them that certain messages aren’t helpful.
Sometimes I read some of these books and I wonder where the editor was—just eliminating a few lines or pages in some of these resources would make them much better.
Just got to this article today, and I wanted to say, “Thank you.” I am well aware of the abuse and mistreatment that many women have endured over the years, even within churches and Christian circles. Thank goodness that we have opened up to hearing their stories, honoring their voices, and choosing better messages!
But some seem to take the approach that respecting women’s feelings and emotional requires disrespecting men’s feelings and emotional needs. I just hate that Us vs Them attitude! Isn’t God for both the feminine and the masculine? Don’t we together represent His image?
I want men to be able to express themselves, to be heard, and to be understood. Just like I want those things for women! That’s one reason I appreciated your books FOR WOMEN ONLY and FOR MEN ONLY—you let both women and husbands speak for themselves about who they are and what they want.
I’ve always found For Women Only and for Men Only very generalized and reliant on stereotypes. Sometimes when I read books like this, I feel like there is something wrong with us, there are so many things which don’t align with the way we are.