Men, have you ever had a date with your wife take a turn for the worse and you didn’t know why? You’d probably both been looking forward to date night, with some time away from the kids and a special outing planned. But by the time you got to your destination your wife was in a sour mood that simply mystified you. Well, maybe you just needed to focus in and take a closer look at what was right in front of you. Your wife probably fixed herself up to look her best for you and for your evening out together. Maybe you did notice but the thought passed through your mind quickly with the words left unsaid. Either way, from your wife’s perspective (because, you know, she can’t read your mind) you didn’t notice at all.
You might be thinking: I always think my wife looks beautiful, and surely she knows it! But does she? How will she know, unless you tell her so? Especially in situations where she puts in extra effort to look nice for the occasion and for you. Out of all the areas where men are encouraged to share their thoughts and feelings with their wife, this is one of the most important. Let me explain why….
Wives want to know that they’re beautiful to their husbands.
You may be surprised to learn that even the most secure-looking, confident women are still very much little girls inside. Even as adult women we’re asking the most important man in our life: “Do you think I’m pretty?” On my surveys of women, it’s clear that most of us have a deep desire to know that even after years of marriage, we are still beautiful to our husbands. And that need never goes away. Maybe your wife did herself all up, spent a lot of time on hair and makeup, or bought a new outfit to make your eyes pop. And if she didn’t see your eyes pop or hear any words of acknowledgment, she probably feels like if you don’t really find her beautiful after all of that effort, you never will.
Women are surrounded by unrealistic images and expectations of beauty.
It might help you to look around at the magazines and the billboards and realize that your wife is bombarded all day, every day with completely unrealistic expectations—images that shout to her “this is what you must look like if you want to be beautiful to your man.” These images tell her she must lose more weight, look younger, be sexier, dress better . . . and that pressure can get to even the most confident of women. The good news is that if you take the time to tell your wife that she’s beautiful to you, day to day, with all her wonderful individuality, you will be providing her with the best antidote for that pressure.
Your wife needs you to tell her she’s beautiful.
So if you’re in need of some encouragement to improve in this area, here’s what I suggest. Take a sticky note, post it on your desk at work, or in your closet, or somewhere only you will see it, and write on it in big letters: “My wife won’t know that I find her beautiful unless I tell her so.” Then look for opportunities to say it. Especially the next time you’re headed out somewhere special. Make sure you notice her, compliment her, and tell her she’s beautiful. Not only will you avoid encountering an unexpected mood change, I think you’ll both find the evening turning out to be much sweeter in a loving and romantic way!
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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This article was first published at Patheos.
What do you do when you tell her she is beautiful and her response is well only you would say that because you just don’t want to hurt my feelings. I tell her every day she is beautiful and she doesn’t accept it.
I’m curious about any advice for this too. My wife doesn’t accept, or even seem to appreciate my praise in this area. I know it’s due to broken trust, at least in part.
What do you do when your wife has gained 100 pounds and she’s pretty but not nearly as beautiful as she once was because she has let herself go. She knows she doesn’t look anything like she once did. Its really hard to say and than for her to believe a heartfelt your beautiful when deep down you just wished she would take care of herself. I want to be truthful so I work to compliment who she is but rarely compliment looks because she doesn’t look great right now. What to do?
Lmao
You go get a dual membership to your local gym and busy your ass with her.
Don’t you feel like she is beautiful? I find my wife beautiful whether or not she exercises, puts on weight, gets pregnant, wears unflattering clothes, goes without makeup. Nothing can keep me from telling her how beautiful she is to me. With or without clothing, too.
Even if you don’t feel it, fake it til you make it, bro. If you need a therapist to help you make that happen, don’t waste any time. Your wife has a simple need for your approval of her appearance, and you must fill it or this can’t last. 🙂
Remember, your lack of telling her she’s beautiful might be the reason she put on that weight