Your Husband Wants You To Know THIS About Your Sex Life

There’s probably something your husband desperately wants you to know about your sex life. Drum roll please! The next time you are intimate with your husband, he’d like you to . . . keep the lights on. Yes, you heard me right! I know the idea is scary for many women but hear me out. In all my years of researching the things our husbands wish we knew but don’t know how to say, I heard the heart behind this wish—and saw 5 surprising reasons to take the risk of keeping those lights ON:

Reason #1: When He Knows You Want Him, It Increases Intimacy

A husband is powerfully impacted by knowing his wife desires him. And few things signal “desire” more than when he sees his wife engaged in their time together. Men secretly feel so vulnerable when they approach their wives for intimacy: Do I measure up? Does she want me? Am I not enough for her? Sometimes a man will keep his guard up to avoid the sting of inadequacy if he senses his wife may not truly be all in. So if he sees that you’re engaged, he can set all concerns aside, let down his guard, and take the risk of opening up emotionally. And that vulnerability leads to much greater intimacy.

Reason #2: When You Trust Him, It Leads To True Oneness  

Vulnerability works both ways. We feel so vulnerable at the idea of turning on those lights . . . because we too wonder: Do I measure up? I don’t look like I used to. Will he be satisfied with me? Turned off? Those extra pounds or least-favorite features loom large in our minds. But nearly all the men in my research told me they loved their wife’s individuality and aren’t expecting or looking for the cover model. That is our hang-up, not theirs! We need to trust that our husband loves us as we are. And when we let down our guard and trust, we reach mutual vulnerability and true oneness.

Reason #3: He Is Visual  

Yes, this has been stated many times, but there’s a key reason it’s worth repeating: a man’s emotions are tied to his eyes. He drinks in and savors those images of you in your intimate time together in a wonderful, emotional way that you as a woman may never fully understand. But when those visual memories come back to his mind, he feels a rush of affection and love for you. And they are a bulwark and ammunition against the impact of all those other images that confront him out in the world every day.

Reason #4: He Delights In Knowing He Has Delighted You  

The vast majority of men I’ve interviewed and surveyed have confirmed it: your man is most pleased when he pleases you. Three out of four said that for a man, sex is empty if his wife isn’t satisfied—or if he can’t tell that she was satisfied. The men said it makes an immense, delightful difference for a man to be able to see his wife’s reactions in some way.

Reason #5: You May Find It Isn’t As Big A Risk As You Think

Have you ever resisted something out of fear, only to try it later and wish you hadn’t waited so long? Many women have told me this was like that for them: it took courage, but was one of the best things they did for their marriage. Because they as women saw something too: they saw with their own eyes that their fears were empty. They saw that their husbands really did love them and delight in them as they were. These women gained confidence they never expected. And they found themselves unexpectedly moved by their husband’s almost gleeful delight in this new experience together.

So . . . try it. I’ll bet the response you get will be the best possible incentive to continue!

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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.

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This article was first published at Patheos.

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  1. What if your husband has admitted to you that he thinks there are lots of other women who are hotter than you? Obviously he thinks that because when he looks at me he sees flaws that make me less hot than other women. How are you supposed to be comfortable letting him see you after he says something like that? He said it in the context of trying to tell me that he loves me for who I am and not for superficial reasons, so I don’t think he was trying to be mean, but the comment has still stuck in my head after several years.

    Also, I don’t understand how a husband looking at his wife’s naked body and being aroused by that has anything to do with his feelings of love for her. I would love to believe that they have something to do with each other, but I know that my husband and most other men can look at any naked woman and be aroused. It doesn’t have to be their wife. I just has to be a female body. Men look at porn and are aroused by those women all the time, but they don’t have feelings of love for them. I’ve just never thought of a man’s sexual desire as having anything to do with his emotions or love for anyone. My husband has even said that having sex with me doesn’t make him feel any more or less emotionally connected to me. Maybe my husband is just the exception to the rule. I don’t know.

    I’m not trying to sound critical of your article, I just don’t understand.

    1. Dwayne’s comment in another blog post was so great. Men, just tell your women how beautiful you think they are. If you don’t think they are the most beautiful woman in the world, you are cheating them. Make them believe it. With lots of words day after day, ——especially emphasize it when they don’t believe you and make you feel like a liar—– when they catch you staring at a hottie, tell your woman, “yeah, she looks great. But you’re gorgeous and you’re mine” instead of getting irritated that they caught you looking. You will make their self-confidence soar as you continue to encourage her and she will start to make great effort to look good because she will feel it is making a difference. Tell them about every body part you like and what you like seeing. Tell them if you were looking at the curves of her rear end and it turned you on. ANYTHING you like. Some men like love handles, tell your woman if you like how the fat on her bum bounces a bit when she does xyz. She will be forever grateful and you will have a very confident woman if you don’t relent. Tell her everything you like about her and every nice thought you think about her, and every dirty thought you think about her.. Otherwise, even if she thinks she’s hot, or even if other men give her the sexual pleasure of checking her out, she will always wonder what you were thinking and if she measures up in your eyes, and she will always be insecure. MEN MAKE THEIR WOMEN SECURE. If there is a confident woman, it is because she has the affirmation of men. If not her husband, then other men who stare at her or make comments or try to flirt. If your woman is insecure, it is because YOU DO NOT AFFIRM HER ENOUGH. If you have starved her of affirmation for years, she may have a harder time believing you, and you don’t need to quit trying.. you need to step up the effort even if it feels like you’re overdoing it and it feels ridiculous. Don’t ever let her know you think it’s ridiculous that she needs so much affirmation or you will have just cut your line and you will have a much harder time recovering her trust in you.

      Let me emphasize, if she gets insecure about another woman, tell her that woman is a looker.. she already knows you think that.. but then tell her she is more, she is sexier, she is lovlier, you respect her more, she is gorgeous, and she is yours, and yes you looked, but you would never want that woman as she could never compare. MAKE HER FEEL LIKE NO WOMAN IN THE WORLD COULD COMPARE TO HER IN YOUR EYES. Just make her feel like that. That’s why she married you, so if you don’t do that for her, you are cheating her substantially. I would venture to say more than if she withheld sex from you. And she will actually have sexual desire again once you make her know that.

      Tell her who you are thinking about when you are having sex with her.. and it better be her. Tell her you’re not daydreaming about a beautiful woman you saw and tell her you never do. Tell her when you’re making love to her it is her and her only you’re hard for. Her and her only you’re thinking about. Then you will sexually satisfy your wife when she knows in words that you desire her and are satisfied by her and you don’t NEED OTHER WOMEN. When you are staring at her and she’s wondering what you’re thinking and you tell her I’m looking at your beautiful arms, or your beautiful breasts, or your gorgeous thighs and tell her different body parts often. If you say the same thing all the time, she will think she sucks. I know of someone whose husband tells her she has beautiful cheekbones.. but that’s all he tells her. She has a gorgeous fit body but he’s NEVER told her that he likes any individual body part other than her cheekbones. Except her stomach years ago. A woman in this situation agonizes over every part of her body thinking he must compare her to the pictures and live women everywhere, and she must not be in league with them, so she hides her body from him and cannot become aroused when he touches her unless she is daydreaming about him with another woman, (or more adulterously and she’ll probably forego this altogether if she’s a believer), about being with a man who will eat her up and adore her body, tell her she’s beautiful and get hard from just seeing her. She can’t daydream about her husband doing this when he’s there and he’s not. Instead of feeling pleasure teem through her like electricity, when he touches her ,she wonders if he is thinking about a girl at the gym with a hard belly and thick muscular thighs that he spotted for this morning. It reduces sex to WORTHLESS TIME WASTER. If a woman can’t feel beautiful and desired she can’t feel sexual. AND SHE NEEDS IT VERBALLY. I can’t emphasize this enough. Otherwise she will wonder WHO YOU ARE HARD FOR. If you can’t tell her it’s her, then THE QUESTION THAT KILLS DESIRE REMAINS IN HER HEAD. Is it me he’s so turned on for? Or images of others? You can EASILY make this unknown question disappear from her mind whether you think it’s there or not, just by telling her how you’re lusting for HER and TELL HER that you’re not thinking of other women. TELL HER. Then your frigid wife will all of a sudden be wearing naughty things around you and yearning for YOUR SEXUAL touch. And she will feel it and become orgasmic. SHE IS NOT FRIGID… you are VERBALLY STINGY.

      And write her love letters. Often. If you write her 100 in a year she will cherish every one of them and probably never throw one out. She will read and reread taking in every word and she will feed adored and sexual.

      Be GENEROUS VERBALLY, and make her feel like she is the only woman in the world who you want to be in bed with BY TELLING HER! WITH WORDS. LOTS OF DIFFERENT GENEROUS WORDS. That to you maybe feel like you’re cheapening words but to her reassure her and make her feel better and better with every word, more and more confident in your love, and you will have her heart. LOTS OF WORDS.

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