So unless you were on Everest with no Wi-Fi access last week, you heard either “Laurel” or “Yanny” in the now-famous audio clip. And you probably got into an argument with a loved one about how they could possibly hear something different from you.
Just as with the 2015 “blue/gold dress” image, Jeff and I were no exception; we each thought the other was crazy. (After all, it clearly says Laurel, and the dress is clearly gold, right? Right?) We started laughing as we recognized the silliness of our underlying assumption. And then we realized: there is actually a lesson here that could save every marriage, strengthen every relationship, and solve every division on the planet if every human being was able to apply it across the board.
Obviously, we’re all a jumble of imperfections, so that will never happen perfectly! But if we can just keep in mind one thought the next time we assume a spouse, friend, or random politician is just wrong, it would be a game-changer for us and for our culture.
Here is the thought: “I can’t hear what you are hearing and I’m not seeing what you are seeing . . . but I trust that you are hearing and seeing it that way, and I care about you.”
Jeff explained this far more eloquently than I can, so here is what he said as he was processing it for me. Think on it—and see if you agree that it could be a game changer:
I started thinking about how the Bible tells husbands to live “in understanding” with their wives—and I assume it applies equally with wives to their husbands.
I have always thought of “understanding” as meaning, “I get how this makes you feel” or “I can now see it entirely as you are seeing it.” I wonder if we might have that wrong. Perhaps it is something like, “I still can’t see what you are seeing, but I trust that you are seeing it that way and I love you.”
It’s like with the blue/gold dress and Yanny/Laurel phenomenon. My brain simply won’t allow me to hear Laurel. As much as I try, I can’t hear it. And you can’t do otherwise. I can never hear what you hear. Same for the blue dress.
I think this has a profound impact on men and women. Our research and books help people comprehend what the other person is seeing/hearing. The problem is that I think for many of us, we secretly or subconsciously believe that with this information—or with just a bit more education or teaching—the other person will see/hear things just as we do. It is a great thing to keep learning about one another. We have to do that. But at the same time, perhaps we need to acknowledge that we may never gain the ability to truly see things just as another person does. At least in some areas.
Rather, we just have to accept and trust that they are legitimately feeling that way. And instead of continually being dissatisfied as we try to educate or convince them into thinking another way, we just have to love them.
Like with you and me. If I’m honest with myself, I am probably thinking that my way of thinking is correct, and that you just aren’t able to think as clearly or as rationally as me! It’s probably why we try so hard to explain things to another person with whom we disagree: so they will be able to see just what we are seeing—and then realize that we are right!
Maybe that is why Jesus said we were to “Love One Another”, rather than “Understand One Another”.
If that is the case, then yes, we can and should try to understand one another . . . but we won’t always see things the same as they do. Then the only solution is to Love One Another.
Looking for encouragement for your life and relationships? Learn about the little things that make a big difference in every relationship, from marriages to parenting. Subscribe to updates from Shaunti here!
Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.