Tales from the Dark Side
I need to make a confession. It’s not something in which I’m proud but I think you will likely be able to relate. I wish I could say that I always respond to my husband and children in the right way and am filled with patience even when I feel as if I’m drowning in a sea of responsibilities. Unfortunately, sometimes the opposite is true. Here is a case in point.
My preteen daughter was whining that something wasn’t fair, my 10 year old son was crying because his sister had hit him, I was late to get on an important work conference call, and I was exhausted from getting up at 3 a.m. and my brain not being able to turn off and go back to sleep. I told my son to suck it up, she didn’t hit that hard (yeah, not proud of that one), told my daughter “just STOP IT!”, and got angry with my husband for something completely stupid when he came in from a meeting in the middle of all of it.
Yes, I had officially slipped to the dark side.
Please tell me I’m not the only one!
Sadly, we’ve all ‘lost it’ at one time or another and felt like complete heels afterwards. I mean, I start out every day telling myself that today I will be like a working-mom version of June Cleaver (ok. I probably just dated myself) and yet by day’s end there are times that my kids probably think I’m more like a crazy Chucky doll with its hair on fire.
I was telling someone about this question recently and she sighed and said, “I try but in the end, there isn’t that much that we can really do. I mean, we are who we are; if you’re an emotional person you’re an emotional person.” I thought: not true! You force yourself to not yell at your boss when you’re angry at a decision, right? That shows we can do it. And I loved Lysa TerKeurst’s book Unglued that gives example after example of ways to have that self-control the Bible talks about.
One tip that I’ve seen around is something that I should have applied in that situation, because I really have found it SO helpful in others!
It is a tip borrowed from drug-rehab and other recovery groups: to realize that we need to stop and think – to HALT –instead of reacting immediately when we are: Hungry, Anxious or Angry, Late or Lonely, or Tired. It’s under these conditions that we typically start to react in a way we’ll regret later.
Think back to the last several times you did, in fact, ‘lose it’. I’m willing to bet that one or more of these key triggers had something to do with it. Here’s something else to consider. Our kids get to these points of no return as well. If we react poorly when we’re Hungry, Anxious, Late or Tired, just think how hard it is for our children to ‘keep it together’ under similar circumstances!
It is so important for them to see us lead by example – to show them how we can HALT when we most want to explode, and slow ourselves down so that we can have that self-control that will make such a big difference in their lives. And in ours.
I’m all about prevention but what if, despite our best efforts, we still mess up…if we fail and lash out? While there is no ‘re-do’ button, there is the old fashioned sincere apology. Kids of all ages can and do appreciate when we admit we were wrong. An apology sets such an amazing example for your child. It helps them realize that everyone slips up. And that when we do mess up, the only thing we can do is apologize and learn from our mistakes.
While it seems elementary, this simple approach to an apology is incredibly helpful. The first step is the “I’m sorry…” or “I wish I had not…” Second, name the crime – “I shouldn’t have…said what I said in such an angry tone of voice…” Next, acknowledge the impact of the offense “I realize how embarrassed that made you feel with your friend in the car” or “I would not want anyone to speak to me like that in front of my friends…” Finally, make amends if appropriate. “…Since there isn’t a re-do on that one, how about I make your favorite French toast for breakfast tomorrow morning?” The idea is to very clearly show our children how to take responsibility for their actions. In our house, we say it’s important to ‘own it’…own your actions and fix things when you mess up.
No one of us is perfect. We are all fallen so it’s a given that we will all ‘mess up’. But how will you react when you do? It’s not how far we fall or how hard we land, its how we pick ourselves up afterwards that counts. And in our case, as moms, it’s the example we set for our children in the process. It takes some humility to acknowledge our shortcomings with our kids. But as we “own” our mistakes it makes it much easier for them to follow our example and “own” their mistakes. Besides, confession is sweet to the soul and beats life on the dark side hands down.
Appreciate your vulnerability, Shaunti. Yeah, I think we’ve all had those “wish-I-could-scratch-that” moments. So thankful God’s grace runs on an endless supply. We recycle it. Receive it and give it to others. And as our children watch, God turns a bad thing into something good. Now that’s grace.
Bless you!
Oh yes, I relate fully. My situation is a little different than yours, dealing with illness in the family. It seems there is always something in the HALT example at play. I have been watching the Duggars and how they diligently practice self-control and teach it to their children. Even the smallest children have permission to let their Dad know when he is starting to lose it/not being kind, etc., and he will HALT and apologize. Wow!
I applaud you, the Duggars and any other adult, FULLY, who is willing to realize that they are not exempt from apologizing to their children and each other when they fail.
Three cheers for you, and as my elderly mother likes to say, “Tomorrow is another day.”
Thanks for sharing. What a great reminder for all of us. The apology is one of the biggest ways to share Christ.
This is so true. If we would just stop and think before we speak out of frustration or anger! Thanks for being so transparent and for the awesome advice for marriage and parenting.
Will share this with my counseling clients. Well said!
Great timing! This is something that I have been struggling with and fighting against. THe time when I do force myself to stop and think before speaking, or before reacting to someone who is speaking from the “dark side” it has a much better outcome. I don’t have children, but I was a child years ago. I still remember the times when my parents would apologize to me! That had a huge impact on me as a young child and in my teenage years.
Thanks for your insight!
Completely agree with you Shaunti! Humility is very important in recognizing our weaknesses but we must thank God that his mercies are new each day 🙂
Thank you for sharing! I have to remember that even my 15 month old son is learning by example. I can already see some good, and some not so good, habits that he has picked up on from me coming out in actions. HALT is a great reminder.
I’ve so been there before. I get so frustrated with school and work and everything else and the slightest thing will set me off. Once my boyfriend just asked me a simple question and I just started yelling, and I had to apologize later. I hope to be as humble and godly as you when I have children.
You are not the only one! Over and over again this happens. But, God is so good.
Love this post! We all have had those moments that we later regret. Thanks for sharing and showing me how to overcome those moments!
I am totally there. With four kids there is a never-ending series of questions, demands, and criticism. (Seriously, do they really have to have their own personal answer to the question “What’s for dinner?” or “Where are we going”? Is is not enough to just hear the answer given to the other siblings and take it at that. Or do I even need to explain when I take a different route home, or need to make a stop? At what point did I start answering to my children? And why does every question they ask drip with judgement?) When a mother tries so hard at everything and gets nothing but criticism in return, it can be very draining. Then I get snippy and then further hard on myself for not being perfectly patient. It’s a vicious circle.
Thanks Shaunti for this reminder to HALT. I find that I “lose it” when the house needs to be cleaned, and I seem to be the only one that sees the mess! A word about forgiveness and a lesson our children can teach. I had one of those mornings that we were running late and I was probably tired and I found myself speaking quite sarcastically to my son. Of course later I felt horrible. As soon as I picked him up from school, I apologized to him, and he immediately said, “I forgive you Mom”. Simple, honest, and finished. Would that we could all be so quick to apologize and forgive. Maybe then we wouldn’t escalate to things that are much harder to forgive. Keep up your good work Shaunti!
You are definitely not the only one having Unglued moments… I have them more often than I’d like to admit (even after reading Lysa’s book) I’m a work in progress.
I, too, find myself slipping to the “dark side” quite easily sometimes when in the midst of these emotions. I do not have children yet, but I found that I can apply the situations in your story to my marriage as well. I have seen that if my husband or I “halt” and think before reacting through these emotions, the other follows suit more easily when in the same situation. The same goes for if one of us messes up and goes crazy at the other out of anger, hunger, etc. It then becomes easier to react in the same way. Now although my husband and I are both guilty of doing this, I am so blessed and grateful for his example in putting away his pride and apologizing sincerely when he does mess up. His example has changed me and pushed me to put away my pride when I mess up! I believe leading by example is very necessary, not only between parents and children, but also between a husband and a wife too! I will definitely be using these lessons I’ve learned with my husband with any future children I may have!
oh yes… this morning I freaked out over my perception of my husband, “telling me what to do.” He was suggesting I turn on my ipad and be present with the kids. I had been the one to wake up an hour earlier and he comes rolling into the kitchen after all is done and my self righteousness rose up in me and my tsuqah/desire – my need to control and have it my way while my husband patiently told me it was coming to that time in the month and to stop esp because the children are watching and that fueled my wrong direction going and I continued on and on… When I had time to be rational, I felt so bad and I had to ask for forgiveness and then I emailed my hubby and asked him to write me a comforting email because I feel bad and want his comfort as I asked him to forgive me. Why? Why did I do this? Your book has helped bring clarity to the motives and the inner workings of my man and even my own heart as I get “crazy” sometimes. Thanks for all the ministry you do!
I’ve started apologizing to our kids. I can see a difference in them, and me. It’s amazing what an apology can produce!
Shaunti, this is just what I needed to hear right now. I have been very discouraged lately that I can’t control my emotions when conditions aren’t just right and end up hurting those closest to me. I’m so glad to hear I’m not alone and the suggestions of how to make amends after a “mess up” are very helpful!
I’ve lost it myself and then I’m overcome by the grief of being ugly. Most of mine have occurred in the morning. 5 kids 5 dogs husband at work and me trying to go. I feel so bad because that’s the last thing they saw. Wow I’ve started their day off great. Then I’m texting them saying I’m sorry and I hope their day gets better.
I know u have had my fair share of “wish-I-could-scratch-that” moments. I agree with Cheryl , god ALWAYS turns a bad thing into something good,
thanks so much Shaunti!
Thanks for your transparency! It’s encouraging knowing that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. I love that HALT acronym!
God’s mercy is new every morning! It’s for us to take his gift of mercy life, which is so precious, and use it for His glory, all day long no matter how tough it gets. A verse that I lean on in trouble is first Corinthians chapter nine verse twenty seven: But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.
I too struggle with this and do apologize daily of late. I have 5 daughters, 3 teenagers and 2 elementary, we homeschool and my husband works long hours. This is currently something that God has put on my heart. Thanks for sharing.
Dee Corey
Yep, when you’re only on week into the homeschooling new school year and already threatening with the “I’ll send you to public school” tactic! not good. so much of being a mom is the kids seeing us at our worst and we ask their forgiveness and they as so quick to forgive and usually forget!
Good advice. Keeping things in the open is the best way to avoid shame and bitterness, which can result from having to ‘hide’ our mistakes in the form of a perfect family or a perfect woman scenario. There is so much freedom in allowing yourself to seek forgiveness quickly, and to recognize that you’re loved and part of the family in the midst of it all.
I so appreciate the advice because it works in so many areas of our lives. My mom and I used to have the “occasional blow-out”, when I was a teen, but the one thing she’d almost always do is make sure to apologize in a sincere way. As an adult, I have realized that it’s hard for me to “just get over it” without having that sincere apology time.
Thanks for all you do Shaunti.
I appreciate your transparency on this subject. I’m not a mother, but I know that it can be hard for my own mom to admit their shortcomings, but even I do as well. And even though we all know that nobody’s perfect, it is still very comforting to know that other people are going through similar situations.
Thank you for this post! It’s encouraging to be reminded that we all have similar struggles and that we can overcome them with the help of the Spirit. Next time I feel this way I will remember HALT and try to respond in a correct manner!
Yes, I seem to slip over there a lot lately. Not exactly sure why, but I feel the pressure more than I used to, so I don’t handle the issues as well.
We have such honorable intentions to be the best mom, wife, daughter, friend, etc that we can be and much of the time we do succeed and should celebrate that. However, moments of human frailty just happen and they do provide opportunities to help us continue the growth process. I have to admit that I was not so generous with the requests for forgiveness when I was raising my kids. As a grandparent, however, I consider my frailty a teaching moment and am more than willing to make sure my grandchildren and adult children see that side of me.
I am amazed at the difference in my children when I make a point to apologize as needed. I used to try to excuse my way out of losing my temper or not fulfilling a promise. This habit of mine was mirrored by my children; they sure do make some creative excuses! But when I model a simple, “I’m sorry, I should not have raised my voice. I will work to talk more kindly.” Then they can see how to apologize too.
We expect our children to apologize to each other and to us, but it is hard for us to apologize to them. What a better way to model apologizing than to put the act into action.
A very timely reminder. We have a daughter in drug rehab right now, and the other siblings (and parents) have all been affected – stolen from, lied to, worried, frightened, angry. We are just focusing on NOT getting hungry, angry, late, lonely or tired – practicing extreme self care at a time of extreme emotions is not easy but every day that we rack up without a needless argument and with more hugs is a good day.
Thank you. I will HALT and meditate on this…also sending to my grown daughters. Prayerfully striving to repair/rebuild relationships in mind first, and then in body, D
I have lost it way too many times, and too many times I know that an apology does not cover what I said or did. In those times, I pray that “God’s grace is sufficient” to heal the damage in others that I am responsible for. … Sometimes in the middle of a rant, I can feel a rush of grace and at the same volume and with the same energy with which I was ranting, I deliver the apology. … And I pray I can catch grace and mercy a little earlier the next time.
Thank you so much for your honesty & vulnerability. This is something that I know I have made improvements with, but still have a ways to go. As I move into the next season of life, I suspect the both the challenges & stakes will become higher. Thank you for offer practical life strategies!
I find myself having to apologize to my 15 month old all too often. The sheer exhaustion is probably what’s contributing, but it’s hard to get the sleep I need.
I teach elementary school, and am always on the lookout for potential meltdowns…mine or my students’! Praise the Lord that He has given us the Holy Spirit to be that still, small, voice when we need it.
This has really resonated with me. I have a 3 1/2 year old, a 21 month old, and now a 2 week old. I have found myself screaming at the older two for things I would usually handle in a much better way. I am almost always tired with a baby this small, but I see how the other triggers play into my reactions, too. Seeing them so upset when mama screetches at them has really convicted me.
Wow! i can appreciate this blog on so many levels. i work in the addictions field so i can definitely apply the acronym HALT and i also think there is something valuable to the third step in the apology….making amends…we often for get that step but i think using that step will help us avoid that behavior in the future.
Unfortunately, I’ve had more of these moments than I’d like to remember. I know how bad they make me feel and how they hurt the ones I love. But I also realize that I am a flawed human being, and I work to forgive those that hurt me as I hope they will forgive me when I hurt them. We must focus on trying to think before we speak, and look at things thru the other person’s eyes. I surely want to be a loving, thoughtful person to all I interact with. I just pray for help in doing so.
Such a good acronym to use! Thanks for sharing.
I have repented for screaming at my kids when they were little. The honest truth is that I was not prepared for children and I did not know how to be around them. I hate to admit that, but it’s true. We are all better off now that they are teenagers.
Good to know I’m not alone.
Thanks for posting this! Its so true.
1.Ms. Shaunti, I esteem your wisdom and insight. 2.You wrote a book about me! *_*
3. I dig Sephora
Why is it so difficult to apologize to the most important people in our lives, husband and children? At least it was for me. Seems easier now that either it’s my age or theirs, maybe maturity or I’ve learned to halt.
I appreciate the encouragement to apologize to our children. My parents never said they were sorry to us, and even though they were great parents, I took away the message that you don’t need to apologize to loved ones. Then when I was married, it was hard to tell my hubby I was sorry for things I did. The environment we create in our family life is the environment that our children are going to grow up expecting to be the norm. So we need to apologize, be humble and loving, so that our kids will expect that from their future mates (and treat them that way, too!). Thanks for your book! This is the 3rd time I am teaching the bible study and I love seeing women learn how to understand their husbands!!
HALT! a hard thing to remember in those moments but so worth it!
This reminder is just what I needed as the summer rat race has melted into the fall schedule. As leaders we need to be reminded now and then to renew ourselves.
Shaunti I truly appreciate your honesty. Too often we women get overwhelmed and caught up in keeping up the image of being superwoman and we break and lose it.
Thanks for the reminder that we are human, can mess up and can make it right if we are humble enough to do so.
Thank you so much.
Wow! You described me as I was just yesterday. After haranguing my child for not doing something i had asked him to do, I looked at my son’s expression of horror I just busted out laughing. He looked totally astonished and said , ” what you’re not mad anymore?” I wasn’t! I took that breath to laugh and blew all the anger and frustration right out. Thanks for all the great work you share with us.
This was a good reminder for me. As a mom of four, the oldest a teenager trying to spread her wings and the youngest not even a year old, I feel like I am in a perpetual state of tiredness. I need to remember “this too shall pass” and not react so harsh and quickly.
So thankful for the grace of our Lord!!!! Been there, done that….
We have all been there! My worst time is right before my kid’s bedtime. I am exhausted and that is always when my children want to wrestle,argue, stall, and ask a millions questions they could have asked all afternoon!
While I don’t have kids or a husband to deal with, I can totally relate to this. The days that I don’t spend in the word, renewing my mind, asking God for grace are harder to control my attitudes, actions, and words toward my siblings, parents, and even friends. Thank you for this reminder to humbly acknowledge our mistakes and look for forgiveness.
Thanks for sharing something like this, Shaunti. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who loses it, who slips to the dark side. It’s especially shameful for me because I have such young kids; they are so hurt when I snap at them, and I feel like a total failure as a mother. The reminder comes at a poignant time!
Love the HALT acrostic to remember to step back from a situation and look at it realistically!
Shaunti,
Well written blog! So convicting and true! Thanks for being vulnerable. It helps to hear that others struggle too and have to learn to HALT!
Can’t wait to meet you in person at Camp Berea’s Women’s retreat in late September.
Fan of you and your books!
Heather Cappetta of MA
Being newly married, it has been interesting to find that the dark sides still come out even when you are blissfully and madly in love. So thankful for a gracious husband!
For some weeks now I’ve been thinking how consistently I’ve been short with my husband. He deserves better, if I wait for him to stop “upsetting” me it will never change. Thanks for your transparency…
Hey Shaunti, I love this article and totally relate to it.There has been many times whereby I have snapped at a loved one and feel horrible after my my out burst. I have a relatively big family: three sisters, two brothers, my parents and a adorable niece that I look after; on top of that I go to university full – time, and have a loving and encouraging boyfriend ( who has unfortunately witnessed this dark side) thank you for sharing your wisdom with us! Much love
Oh, this is very timely for me…. I just had surgery number 28, and my frustration with everything is at an all time high… Thank you for this reminder!
Interestingly, the Bible never talks about apologizing, rather it talks about forgiveness. Shouldn’t we really be teaching our children to say, please forgive me, instead of I’m sorry which often rings hollow? It takes real repentance and humility to ask forgiveness from someone you’ve hurt or offended. My husband and I are trying to remind each other to speak kindly or to hold our tongues. After 32 years of marriage, we seem to be starting to get it down! :-). Thanks for your willingness to show you aren’t the perfect wife and mother.
I’ve known of HALT my whole life – from my own mom’s teaching. I think maybe she still has a note hanging on the frig with “Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired”. But this is the first I’ve heard of ANXIOUS and LATE. Oh my, soooo much more relative to my own mommy/wife rants. Bless you for your wisdom!
so need this message today as I am stepping into new waters homeschooling our two pre-teen, adopted a year ago, Asian, girls and had a very challenging day yesterday. Thanking God that His mercies are new every morning, and He forgives me.
Thanks for the reminder AND how to handle those moments!
Apologizing to our family shows them how much we truly care for them. We often find it easy to apologize to strangers for minor things, but then refuse to apologize to those who mean the most to us. Humility and admitting when we are wrong teaches our children that no one is perfect and shows the importance of owning our mistakes.
I can relate to your experience. When my behavior is less than loving to my loved ones, I loose some dignity and self respect. But I find that getting the courage to apologize always softens the atmosphere in my home. All of a sudden, everyone is able to forgive me and they really try to help me feel better. It’s an amazing dynamic
Thank you Shaunti for sharing your insight. The HALT principle will help me in time to come. Your words bring life!
OK, so when I snack to keep take the edge off my hunger before dinner so I won’t snap at my hungry husband, I had better give him a snack too. Good idea. I’ve learned to never start an important conversation with him on an empty stomach. Love your books!
It really interesting, we all flare up one way or the other and I agree with you on the fact that ”It’s not how far we fall or how hard we land, its how we pick ourselves up afterwards that counts.”
I am yet to get married and I must admit I have learn a great deal from you.
I am in Ghana and I have been searching for your book titled “for women only & for men only” and have not had any here.
hope to get a copy soon.
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Thanks
You time is a very important part to keeping your sanity.
Thank you for the reminder to HALT, and especially the reminder to apologize to our husbands and children when necessary. For a long time, I had the idea that if my husband loves me, he should just accept my moods and forgive me, especially if he “made me” get angry (although somehow, the same rule didn’t apply to me). It is still difficult to apologize sometimes, but so necessary and healing for us both–and for the kids.
Thanks for the openness! Being a wife and mom of 4 grown kids, I still deal with those issues. I homeschooled all four of the kids K -12 and there were many times that I had to apologize to them for one thing or another. Now I have 3 son-n-laws, 2 granddaughters and 2 more grandbabies on the way and I work with my husband in a Christian camp. So what you shared is very beneficial to everyone no matter what our age, marital status, job status, or family status Thank you so much!!
Reading through the comments helped me to clarify where I go wrong, because my husband and I don;t have very many blow ups as you described here. WE are pretty low key and have been empty nesters most of our marriage. My son just returned to the home recently, maybe that will drag me to the dark side occasionally, I guess we’ll see. But what I do see happening in me is I let little things annoy me and then I feel bitterness toward my husband and I let these feelings grow. Even though I haven;t come unglued outwardly, I am letting seeds of bitterness grow inside of me and I need to bring it to God and to my husband and seek forgiveness from them both. Thank you for a great post and a great ministry! Your books have done a great work in me and I will be using them in my ministry and my counseling when I graduate!
The one thing that comes to mind (even stronger than moments that I have lost it), is how my mom NEVER apologized to me. There is one memory that is still vivid in my mind… she came to me and asked me if I ate the rest of the cookies and I said no. She didn’t believe me and said as much out loud. Later it was discovered that my step-dad had finished them off. I asked my mom (with typical teenager sass) if she would like to apologize and she said, “No, because it could have just as easily been you.” Even after she calmed down and was confronted with the truth, she had no humility.
I DO NOT want to be that way with my son. He’s only right now, but I’m sure there will be days I get exasperated and will need to apologize. But I will not lack humility and self-awareness… and I will strive to be compassionate, as I wish my mom had been with me.
Sorry…. he’s only two right now.
Awesome!! This is good stuff .. applicable to EVERYONE that lives in skin!! 😉
I’ll be posting the word H-A-L-T on the refrigerator door and explain it to everyone in my home. This will be remind us in non-conflict moments what we need to remember when the conflict is front and center. Thanks for sharing.
Great reminder!! I actually had one of these moments the other day.
This is not an excuse, but I think women today have it a lot harder than women in the past. There are too many responsibilities…work, family, friends, etc. This is a great reminder that we do need to control our behaviors with the ones we love the most. At times, we will make mistakes, but we need to learn from them.