Financial vs. Emotional Security
Would my wife really choose to give up financial benefits for me to be home more? By Jackie Coleman
You’re slaving away at work, even picking up a few extra hours so the family vacation will be covered. Drained, exhausted, and frustrated from the day, you come home to your family—the people you are really working for. But to your dismay, when you gallantly stride through the doorway, you’re greeted with a blank stare from your wife…clearly letting you know that you are two hours late. Feeling unappreciated, you retreat to your study. Later that night, she asks with exasperation, “Why can’t you work less?”
But with $8,000 of credit card debt, a mortgage to pay, and private school tuition (not to mention your wife’s weekly spending habits), you just don’t see changing your work hours and patterns as an option. And even if money is not tight, you and your wife may enjoy a certain standard of living, which she may not realistically want to give up. What, then, is she really saying?
If you’re like most men, you’ll probably be surprised at the message underlying her complaint. While your wife may very well want you to provide a comfortable life for her and the kids, there’s a much deeper desire—one that is actually quite flattering.
Even more than the savings account and type of house you live in, she craves relationship with you. The survey showed that, given the choice between emotional or financial security, 70% of women choose emotional security. And although most women will not be in a position to choose one or the other, the message is clear: You are more important to her than pay checks, cars, that really cute pair of Gucci shoes she just bought, and other financial comforts. She wants to know she’s loved and close to you—which, surprising though this is to many men, you cannot prove by slaving away at work…even if you’re doing it for her!
So, what can you do?
Most likely, she’s not asking you to completely give up your long hours at work. In most cases, it’s not a matter of picking emotional security or financial security. In fact, both can be provided. While travel or long hours at the office may be inevitable, understand that your wife craves relationship with you. Show her how important the relationship is to you by:
1. Carving out quality time together.
2. Letting her know how committed to her you are.
3. Showing you love her by doing the little things (leave her an
occasional note, hold her hand, take her out on a date, etc.)
4. Being an active presence in the home.
Overall, the issue is not the quantity of time you have together. There are many couples that see each other for hours each day but are complete strangers. What matters is the quality of time you spend together.
So, while totally giving up financial security in the hopes of finding relational security seems a bit unrealistic, most likely that’s not what your wife is asking for. She is asking for YOU. Balance can be found and the relationship can be restored. Realize you are not a slave to your schedule. Every day is a new opportunity to begin strengthening your relationship.
Jackie Coleman earned her Master’s Degree in Professional Counseling with a concentration in Christian sex therapy at Psychological Studies Institute and the Institute for Sexual Wholeness in Atlanta, GA.