5 Truths Your Pastor Wishes You Knew

In honor of Pastor Appreciation Sunday this weekend, I’d like to give a shout out to the creative, hard-working, servant-hearted pastors out there. Jeff and I speak in churches all over the country, and have met more of you than we could ever count.

Of course, we all can—and should—celebrate our pastors more than one day a year, and I want to shed light on practical ways we can do just that. Because the sobering truth is that a sense of being overwhelmed, discouraged and lonely are real aspects of ministry—and have gotten worse in recent years. (Think: COVID shutdowns, mask debates, politics, cancel culture …)

According to 2023 data from the Hartford Institute for Religion Research, more than half (53%) of pastors have seriously considered leaving pastoral ministry at least once since 2020.

Jeff and I were conducting research at a recent retreat for about 1,700 senior pastors and their spouses, and multiple attendees provided confidential thoughts for this blog. So here are 5 things your pastor wishes you knew—paired with doable steps you can take to tend to your pastor’s heart all year long.

Truth #1: Pastors work really hard

You’ve likely heard the joke that pastors “work one day a week.” That’s like saying firefighters work when there’s a fire—not when they’re responding to car accidents, teaching fire-prevention seminars, conducting fire drills, inspecting equipment, staying physically conditioned, and so on.

Just as we don’t think about all the things firefighters do, we often don’t have a clue about the demands of the pastor’s role or the impact those demands have on family.

Let’s find ways to thank our pastors for the hours they spend casting vision, preparing sermons, visiting hospitals, managing staff, trying to counsel and keep couples from divorcing, equipping teams, handling drama, leading strategy meetings, talking to skeptics, shepherding new believers, and answering distress calls at 3 a.m. And that was just last Tuesday.

If it’s possible, consider leading your church to bless your pastor with a sabbatical season, or at least several weekends away for rest. If the church budget is small, investigate different ministries that serve pastors. For example, the recent pastors’ retreat I mentioned was sponsored by Harvest Foundation, which provides no-strings-attached destination retreats with free lodging for pastors and spouses.

Truth #2: They have reasons for what they do

What if someone second-guessed almost every decision you made in your job? Now multiply that “someone” by many “someones.” Imagine the toll that would take!

Pastors are human and imperfect like everyone else. But they also usually have many decision variables and thus specific reasons for decisions made. One pastor Jeff and I met a few years back put it this way:

“I would love for people to assume that we have a good reason for what we are doing, even if we can’t explain it.” There are always behind-the-scenes realities.

One of his colleagues continued:

“Supporting your pastor requires trust. Not blind trust, but unless you have clear evidence that your pastor has poor judgment, or is toxic, or is on a power trip, don’t assume that they have poor judgment, or are toxic, or are on a power trip just because they say ‘no’ or do things you don’t agree with. Ministry requires lots of tradeoffs.”

Truth #3: They worry people are going to leave

One of the hardest things on pastors, emotionally, is when someone in their congregation says, “Pastor, I’m leaving the church because you ______.”

I would never have realized what a big deal this was until a speaker at the recent retreat mentioned that type of statement from the stage. I watched 1,700 pastors and spouses groan and look utterly crestfallen.

Of course, sometimes people change churches and have very good reasons for doing so. And if, for example, a pastor is abusing his authority, then church members and governing elders need to set boundaries. But for pastors who are doing their best to serve people with limited resources and time—often pouring themselves out to the point of emotional and physical exhaustion—it is simply hard when someone leaves. And it is very hard when someone leaves with a pointed finger of blame.

So, before you say “I’m leaving,” ensure that you have done your part to focus on what you’re grateful for, and that you’re not just being reactive. And, if you do move on, make sure your pastor knows what you appreciate, not just what you don’t.

Truth #4: They need to know the wins (yours and theirs)

I asked one megachurch campus pastor and his wife what my readers should know about the life of a pastor and spouse. They instantly said, “Make sure to share the wins, not just the problems.” They continued:

Her: “So often people are quick to share heartache or criticism but are not quick to share the wins.”

Him: “We feel like police officers. If a call comes in, we know it’s not good news. We hear more bad news than you can possibly imagine.”

Her: “When great things happen in your lives, or you really learned something from his teaching, it’s easy to think, ‘I don’t want to bother him with that.’ But if you share, it will bless him and that is what helps him get through the hard times.”

That’s so easy! Share your wins. Share their wins. Our pastors shouldn’t be bracing for impact when they see us making a beeline for them! Be the person they are delighted to see coming. Proverbs 11:25 (“whoever refreshes others will be refreshed”) reveals that positive encounters are life-giving for both parties.

Truth #5: They need friends

Pastors have a roomful of congregants hanging on their every word—and probably can’t be true friends with any of them.

Pastors are always “on” with members of the church (even if they don’t want to be) and can’t have the vulnerability that is required for building real friendships. While you can talk about your frustrating colleague in a church small group, they can’t. Their colleague is your child’s youth pastor or your worship leader!

Data shows that quality friendships are incredibly important for your pastor’s wellness. In his research, my friend Dr. Jonathan Hoover, the author of the recently released book Stress Fracture, and a team of researchers have been conducting research on pastor wellbeing and have found that wellbeing is incredibly connected to whether they have friends they can talk to.

In fact, in her Fall 2022 article published in Influence magazine, one of those researchers, Dr. Kristen Kansiewicz, found that pastors who reported no close friends had the highest depression scores. And—get this—with each close friend, the depression score decreased. (For that research, 850 Assemblies of God pastors were interviewed from June to December 2020.)

A friend for the pastor is something we can pray for. Jesus stayed up all night praying before he chose the twelve disciples (Luke 6:12-17). Imagine what would happen if we prayed fervently for our pastors to find and form good friendships.

Acting on these five insider truths will bring refreshment to your pastors. So, read this blog at your small group. Forward it to the elder board, prayer team, or key volunteer leaders at your church. And for yourself, pick at least one item that you can act on this Pastor Appreciation Sunday—and for many Sundays to come.

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