What Wives Need Most From Their Husbands (Part 1) 

This is the next installment of a multi-part series on what our spouses need deep down inside, but may not always articulate. In Part 1 and Part 2, we focused on what most husbands need. This week and next, we peer into the secret, inner longings of most women. 

Men, have you ever wondered why your wife asks you how she looks when you just told her she looks fine? Or why she takes your need for space as a signal that you’re upset with her? 

If you feel like you need a secret decoder ring, you are not alone. 

This week and next, we’re going to peer into the inner needs of many women and “decode” what’s really being said. (Or, in some cases, not said.) This is based not on opinion or a few informal polls, but on twenty years of rigorous data – including multiple nationally representative surveys – from more than 20,000 women for my book For Men Only and others. 

We hope this will help you understand what makes your wife tick, and help you love her in ways that actually make her feel loved. 

A few caveats: Although these findings are true of most women, there are always exceptions. Further, some men will look at these needs and realize that you feel exactly the same way! This is also not a comprehensive list. Pro tip: to truly understand your wife – and make her feel very loved – pick up a copy of For Men Only and ask her to read and discuss it with you. 

Ready to dive in? Let’s tackle three common needs of women this week and three more next week – including the biggest, deepest longing of a woman’s heart. 

Emotional Need #1: For you to listen to her feelings 

Has your wife ever begun to share a concern or worry, and told you, “I just want you to listen.” (Or maybe even said that phrase when you have already been listening for ten minutes?) 

Here’s what she’s really saying: “I want you to listen to what I’m feeling.” Guys, you might feel that being the hero means being Mr. Fix-It – but that can come later. First, try to focus on her feelings. (“I’m so sorry . . .  how did you react when your boss embarrassed you in front of the group like that?”)  

If you flip this order and try to fix things first, she may actually be frustrated with you for “not listening.” (In the For Men Only survey, 60% of women viewed it as a negative if they were describing an emotional problem and their partner jumped straight to trying to solve it.) An exception is if it’s a fairly technical issue (“It’s going to hit 90 degrees today and the A/C unit just went out!”) 

When the A/C unit is broken, she wants it fixed. When her emotions are complicated, she wants to be heard. In fact, helping her work through her feelings may even help her solve the problem. But if not, then you can ask if your solutions would be helpful.  

Here are practical ways to listen to your wife in the way that matters most to her: 

• Ask your wife if this “listen to my feelings” thing is true of her. If so, remember your first step is to help her feel heard and not (yet) to solve the actual problem. 

• One way to show that you’re “hearing” her is to repeat her feelings back to her, and ask about or prompt the next ones along. (e.g. “I am really sorry your friends didn’t invite you on that trip – you must feel left out.”) 

• Help her understand your wiring. As described in last week’s blog, most men are internal processors (some women are, too). If you need a bit of space to process what you’re hearing (especially if emotions are running high for both of you), help your wife see that you love her deeply, you just need to step away, and you’ll be able to talk about it again at such-and-such a time. 

Emotional Need #2: To be helped without having to ask  

When Jeff and I lead marriage events, one of our favorite things to do is live (anonymous) polling of the audience. At an event in Iowa last fall, we asked the women in the audience to fill in the blank below in five words or less. 

“When my husband says this or does this it really touches my heart: _____________.” 

We asked the polling program to create a representative word cloud of the answers:  

Interesting, right? One in four women, with their ONE short opportunity, mentioned some form of “help” as an answer – and especially help without being asked.  

Men, it means the world to your wife when you step in to help her without prompting. Why? It means that you care enough to be aware of what is going on with her, and notice that she needs help. 

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: “I can’t read my wife’s mind.” You’re absolutely right. As we said onstage at that marriage event, you should not be expected to. But there are several actions you can do that will have lasting emotional impact:  

• Ask her! After work, simply ask, “How can I most help you tonight?” She’ll feel so deeply cared for, and you won’t have to read her mind. Win-win. 

• Become curious about and aware of what sort of “help” matters to your wife, in the same way you probably are attuned to what matters to your boss. You can’t read her mind, but you can look for patterns.  

• Once you see a pattern, be ready to jump in where needed. In the classic words of the larger-than-life inventor Bigweld from the animated movie Robots: “See a need, fill a need.” A few simple actions may speak volumes of love. 

Emotional Need #3: Physical affection outside the bedroom 

As we told women last time, we know many men view physical intimacy in the bedroom as a deep emotional need. And certainly that is true of many women as well! But the research reveals a need that many men don’t realize about their wives: there is something profoundly and emotionally important about simple physical affection outside the bedroom.  

Earlier today, I was looking at data from our nationally representative survey for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and noticed several great examples. In the survey, we listed simple actions that a husband might do and asked how much impact that would have on the wife. Look at what the women answered for just two of the actions: 

Those are big numbers! (A smaller group of women did say those physically affectionate gestures were merely “nice,” but not particularly impactful. And 4% said those actions “don’t do much for me.”)  

Why do these gestures matter so much? For most women, there is one main reason why – and we’ll cover it in next week’s post. (Make sure not to miss it. Click here to subscribe if you don’t already.)  

The practical suggestion for this one is clear: 

• Ask your wife if little physical gestures like taking her hand or putting your arm around her in public matters to her – and, if so, act accordingly! 

In fact, ask your wife about each of the three needs we mentioned today. Do they apply to her? And if so, how? The conversation alone will make her feel loved. Then come back next time for the final three emotional needs on our list!  

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

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