Christmas Money Tension? Strengthen Your Marriage by Pooling Finances

Not long ago, I got into a conversation with a young couple trying to navigate the journey of their first Christmas as husband and wife. Not surprisingly, they had discovered the road was full of potholes. Given how hard it is to buy an affordable house these days, she was eager to start radically saving for a down payment now. He, however, was eager to spend a sizeable amount of his unexpected December bonus on Christmas presents for family members, since he had never really been able to treat them before.  

After multiple tensions and fights, each of them thought maybe it would just be better if they didn’t talk about money. Instead, they figured, they should just continue their prior pattern: He would do what he wanted with his paycheck, and she would do what she wanted with her paycheck. 

Especially during the holiday season, it is so tempting for all of us to avoid tension by avoiding dicey topics, right? And yet, for the sake of our marriage, is also so crucial to not give into that temptation! 

That is the case for every issue (parenting, in-laws, sex, work-home balance) but has special resonance around money. And especially at Christmas. And especially this Christmas! 

As we wrestle with widespread layoff announcements, high inflation, and insane interest rates, many people are understandably on edge about money. In a Gallup Poll this year, half of Americans say they are worse off than a year ago. And tough finances can be tough on a marriage.  

In the research Jeff and I did with thousands of couples for our book Thriving in Love & Money, we noticed a pattern: those with money worries often pushed back a bit on “togetherness.” There was a temptation for each spouse to want to handle money the way they wanted to handle money – out of fear, convenience, or simply an instinctive desire to make finances easy during a complicated season.  

The good news, is: a single step of faith can solve both these problems!     

A trio of leading universities (Cornell, UCLA, and the University of Colorado) collaborated on a huge research project; six different long-term studies examining couples around the world who completely combined their money, versus couples who kept separate financial accounts (unable to be accessed by the other person). They also studied couples who had a hybrid of the two. What they found parallels what Jeff and I found in our research – and, candidly, what the Bible has said all along. There is a powerful oneness in marriage that comes as married couples combine their finances and share everything, rather than holding back in some way. 

Now, it is important to mention that this finding does not apply to couples dealing with severe compulsive financial behavior (such as a gambling addiction). If you think that applies in your marriage, please seek out specialized care and help from a licensed counselor. 

But otherwise, Christmas and the approach of a new year is an excellent time to honestly examine how we handle our finances. Here are five money-and-marriage truths to consider, from that landmark research study.  

Truth #1: Combining money produces happier couples.  

Every one of the six studies demonstrated that couples were far happier in their relationship if they combined everything rather than separating everything. And in five of the six studies, the same was true even when comparing couples with “partly combined/partly separate” finances. (The only exception came via data from Japan, where the researchers expected a less-dramatic impact from pooling finances in what was already a collectivist culture.)  

Truth #2: Combining money affects those with the least the most. 

If you’re tempted to “do your own thing” because finances are tough right now – like that newlywed couple I was talking to – this truth is important for you to know. The greatest transformation among those with merged finances comes among those most financially vulnerable. The research found that pooling finances had an encouraging outcome for couples from all income brackets, but was particularly powerful among couples with limited resources.  

For those currently struggling and hit hard by rising costs and facing possible layoffs in their industry, it can be so tempting to pull back, to try to protect yourself. But both this mammoth study and scripture demonstrate what happens when we take steps of faith, as God asks, to be one as a married couple. And if you already take those steps of faith — to fully share and talk about money without holding back to protect yourself – this should give you hope! Your investment in financial one-ness is a great investment in the happiness of your relationship.   

Truth #3: Combining money produces higher levels of commitment to the marriage. 

Our financial choices don’t just reveal our hearts – they steer our hearts. The research found that sharing finances improved feelings of commitment in the marriage – and that commitment is an essential factor for bringing marriages through during difficult times.  

Why would combining finances lead to more commitment, rather than just the other way around? Researchers pinpointed that the more people felt they had invested in the relationship, the greater was their commitment, and then the greater was their happiness. The sense of investment itself appears to lead to relationship happiness!  

This brand-new finding adds to what we found in our own research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: commitment increases the likelihood of happiness in marriage!  

 

Truth #4: NOT combining money increases odds of separation.  

This needs to be mentioned just so we recognize why it is important to not retreat to our separate corners and do our own thing, even when that might seem easier in the short run: Because it is not actually “easier” in the end. Compared to those who shared all finances, couples had a greater risk of splitting up during the 12- to 14-year study if they kept any finances separate. (An 18% greater risk if their finances were partly shared/partly separate, and a 22% greater risk if they were entirely separate.)  

Now, don’t panic if you’re looking at those numbers and suddenly realizing that your current pattern is risky for your relationship. We are not doomed by our past choices! What matters is what we do next, as we look ahead to the new year and decide how we will handle it.  

Truth #5: NOT combining money makes excessive spending more likely. 

Finally, this truth might reassure those who worry that sharing accounts will allow a spouse to spend “too much” of joint resources during tough times. In a 2019 study, two of the same researchers found that it actually worked the other way around. In general, couples who merge finances are less likely to spend money on purely discretionary or self-indulgent purchases.  

Why? Well, if we keep separate accounts we simply don’t feel as accountable to our partner. We are more likely to buy something we want, when we want it. (It doesn’t really matter if I buy the more expensive Christmas present, right?) By contrast, joining all accounts means we have to discuss and negotiate spending with one another ─ which helps us clarify wants versus needs, when to buy discretionary things, and holds us accountable. 

Now, all this said, there are many reasons why couples may have started out with separate accounts. And some of those reasons – trauma following a prior financial betrayal, a gambling addiction, a neurodiverse spouse – require more specialized attention and counsel, which we urge you to seek out right away. But in general, for those keeping separate accounts out of convenience or fear of being “all in,” I hope these findings will challenge and encourage you. I hope you will use this special time of year to reach for the higher levels of happiness and commitment in your marriage that come when you take what seems like a risk … and realize it brings great security instead.   

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

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