3 Things I Love Most About My Readers
Normally around Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to tell your special someone why you love them. Today, I want to share examples of why I love YOU, my readers.
And just so you know: there’s a reason I’m doing this, beyond just a way to say thank you!
As I’ve done the various research studies, I’ve seen that ALL of us need encouragement to keep doing the routine, good things that make relationships better. That make life better. We usually get feedback on the big things. But here are three little things about you that you may not even realize make a big difference. Keep doing them!
What I Love #1: You read to improve yourself — not the other person.
I can’t tell you how big a deal this is. Most of my fellow relationship authors are constantly inundated by emails asking, essentially, “How can I fix my spouse?”
It is so understandable, so tempting for all of us to focus on, “How can I get my wife to stop doing this?” “How can I convince my husband to handle the kids that way?” “What can I do to change my mother-in-law’s criticism on such-and-such?”
It is so tempting. And yet absolutely futile. By contrast, most of you embrace the truth that the only person you can change is you. You read to understand what you can do. You fight the natural tendency to focus on the faults of the other person and focus on your own actions.
My other author friends are wondering if I can I lend you out to them!
What I Love #2: You’re teachable.
This is something we have too little of these days, and without it, any attempt at improving ourselves comes to a screeching halt.
It is one thing to focus on ourselves rather than someone else. It is another step entirely to be willing to see and address our mistakes. To be willing to look at what we simply don’t do well, and learn. To hear “You may not have intended it, but you really messed up in this way. Here’s how you hurt your spouse’s feelings. But if you do this, it will help.”
You all are willing to hear that, and hear it consistently. I know it might sound so odd, but I’m proud of you. In a culture that has a difficult time saying “I’m sorry,” or “I messed up,” your willingness to do so is a model for many others.
What I love #3: You don’t just listen – you DO. And keep doing.
Finally, you don’t just look at yourself, your mistakes, and what you can do differently—you actually do it. Even when it is difficult, you do it. You stick with it. You go back, look at what worked and what didn’t, and try again.
That takes courage—especially when you don’t see quick responses from the other person. Although I hope that as you keep going you do see those responses, in most cases!
Over the years, people have asked “How can you keep doing all these research projects? They take so much time… so much money … so much emotional effort. Why don’t you just stick with the research you’ve already done? Why do you keep going?”
My answer is simple: all of you. As you know, I’m not a therapist or a counselor – I’m an average semi-confused spouse and parent, just like you. I am inspired by how YOU respond, and it makes me want to learn and grow even more. To study the things we don’t “get” and pass them along.
This Valentine’s Day, thanks for making me want to do that.
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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.