When He Denies Needing Your Help, Here's Why

Ladies, has your man ever refused to admit that he should go see a doctor or claimed that he knows where he’s going when he is clearly lost? He’s not alone. A man will typically insist that “he’s fine,” that “it’s all good,” that he “doesn’t need help”—even when we might just insist otherwise. My research with men for For Women Only revealed four surprising reasons for this stubborn independence:

1. Needing help means, by definition, that he’s unable to do it himself.

We women might say, “Yeah… and…?” because we don’t see the problem with that! In our world, for example, there’s nothing wrong with stopping to ask for directions. After all, it is far more efficient than driving in circles. But for the average man, efficiency is far down the list of concerns. Far more important is accomplishing what you’ve set out to do—and avoiding defeat and the shame of failure. (Even if that failure is merely the inability to beat the flu virus!)

2. Accomplishing something keeps a man going; not being able to accomplish it is painful.

I can still remember the emotion in the voices of several businessmen I was interviewing, as they described a time they had pursued but almost didn’t land a high-profile business deal that was important for their company. Why the unusual level of emotion? As I investigated further I was unsurprised to hear they had been concerned about letting down their company and their colleagues. I was more surprised to learn that each man had instantly worried about being fired and not being able to provide for his family. But most surprising of all was what each man described as the most painful thought to a man: the idea that he might fail at something he tried to do. Seriously? As one man explained, “That means you’re a loser. You’re weak. You tried… and you failed. And if you ask any guy, in sports or in business, we hate losing even more than we want to win.”

Tweet this: “The most painful thought to a man: the idea that he might fail at something he tried to do. “

3. Weakness or failure is painful because it confirms their secret insecurities.

His confident face is just a mask covering a deep vulnerability. On all of my surveys, three out of four men confessed to a very real self-doubt that was always there. For a guy, that self-doubt is like a raw nerve—which is rubbed even rawer any time he feels weak, uncertain or inadequate. As one very successful businessman put it, “I want to be a great husband to my wife, but am I? Or at work, I put on a good front, but secretly I’m always waiting for someone to find out I’m a total imposter. That’s why I’ll sit in my office for two hours puzzling over something instead of taking five minutes to ask someone how such-and-such is done: if I have to ask, it just confirms that I can’t cut it. I will take the trade-off and work the extra hours any day, in order to avoid that feeling.”

4. “Figuring it out” provides a rush of reassurance.

Ladies, you know that feeling you get when you’ve been arguing with your husband or boyfriend, maybe you’re secretly feeling a little insecure, and then at some point he comes over, gives you a big hug and says “we’re okay”? That is such a powerful feeling of reassurance when you’ve felt off-balance and vulnerable. Well, when a man doesn’t know exactly what to do—whether it’s which street to take or how to re-wire the basement lighting—and he perseveres and figures it out, he gets that the same sort of reassurance! He has just soothed that secret worry that he is not capable or good enough to complete the task. And when you see what he did and applaud him for it? That’s when he feels like a true winner!

Helping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article was first published at Patheos.