What Adult Children Need – And Don’t Need – From Their Parents

Earlier this year, my three-part series for parents of empty nesters looked at how we parent adult kids when they are grown and gone. But what do our adult kids themselves say they need? Read on to discover a few additional – and essential – action steps. 

For years, we build activities, budgets, and family outings around our kids. And then they move out. And then maybe they move back in. (More on that in a minute.) 

Whether our adult kids are living on their own or are back home, it’s tempting to be focused only on our perspective as parents. (e.g. “We just found equilibrium again as a married couple, and now our son wants to move back home??!” or “We taught her how to handle finances – what did we do wrong?”) 

But what about their perspectives? 

In my series for Empty Nest parents this fall (see part 1, part 2 and part 3), we explored how to respect adult kids’ boundaries and switch our mindset from counselor to coach. But the essential next-step question is: what do they most want us to know?  

Our team reviewed external research studies and conducted an informal, anonymous survey of adults ages 19-24. (Although we sent it far and wide, we suspect that many who actually took the survey by the deadline were the young adult kids of team members, and their friends!) Four action steps clearly emerged from what these young adults said.  

Action Step #1: Both respect their independence and ask, “Do you want to hear our perspective?” 

In our informal survey and in my random interviews with young adults as I travel, I hear one theme over and over: Parents should neither hover nor back off entirely but ask their adult kids, “Do you want our advice on XYZ?”  

When asked from a sincere heart that respects the answer “no,” this question can open up conversations about all sorts of essential topics – finances, relationships, ethical dilemmas at work, life choices, and, eventually, their own parenting needs. 

One survey-taker said, “Remember, your kids are adults, but they are also still learning. Let them live independently, let them make a few mistakes, but also know that you do have a better/bigger perspective on life and your wisdom is extremely valuable, regardless of whether or not your child thinks so. But to earn their respect (and their heeding of your wisdom), you do have to establish some rapport/friendship with them.” 

Action Step #2: Help them figure out finances, if desired 

In my informal survey, I asked: “What do you most NEED – emotionally or in any other way – from your parents during this time in your life, if anything?  

A top answer? Financial guidance! That surprised me – but then made total sense. Because Gen Z young adults have far less familiarity with financial independence than did prior generations. 

Pew Research Center found that in 1980, 32% of young adults were financially independent by age 22. Today that number is down to 24%! In a nationally representative survey, 59% of parents said they had given at least some financial help to their 18-29 year-old kids in the last year. 

Meanwhile, just a few years down the road, 55% of Americans in their thirties and forties say parents are “doing too much” for young adult children. Yet those ages 18-29 disagree: only 31% say their parents are doing too much for them. 

What does all of this mean? Well, some theorize that it may simply be more expensive to “launch” today. But I suspect that the help our young adults need may have just as much to do with direction as it does with dollars. In my informal polling, one survey respondent explained it this way: “I don’t know anything about investing – like how to do it or where to start. And while I haven’t asked my parents for explicit help on it, it would help if they asked me if I had thought about it at all, and whether I wanted help/advice from them.”  

Another comment, “I would like their help with financial decisions, as I don’t want to be living paycheck to paycheck.” 

Action Step #3: Give them space – especially if they move back home 

No sooner do we adjust to life in an empty nest than those suckers move back home! This can be a blessing (we get bonus time together, as adults) and a challenge (“I forgot how loud he is when he’s screaming at his X-box”). 

If your kids are “re-nesting,” take comfort in knowing you’re not alone. Even among millennials (who are now age 27-42), one in four actually lived with their parents in 2022! (That said, half of that group had moved in during the pandemic, mostly either for financial reasons or to care for their parents.)  

Regardless of their age, we need to know each other’s sensitivities. One 23-year-old woman who had moved back home said one of her biggest challenges is “having to let my parents know about my entire schedule.” While we parents might think we’re having conversation or just checking in, our adult kids might feel a bit smothered. 

And this is the case no matter where they live. One 23-year-old man who lived independently said he wishes his parents wouldn’t use the phone-finding feature to track his location because “it feels a bit intrusive.” (Um, do you think?) 

A 24-year-old man put it this way: “We still want to be around you, just not all the time.” 

In other words: space. Plenty of it. 

Action #4: Offer “we are there for you” support 

In part 1 of my Empty Nest series, I talked about the importance of transitioning from counselor to coach – and this informal survey confirmed it. The young adults expressed a need for their parents to believe in them and encourage them. One respondent expressed the need for parents to support his mental health; another just wanted to be told she’s doing a good job and really needs to know that her parents’ love is unconditional. 

The good news is: many parents are indeed reinforcing adult kids in supportive, healthy ways! I was so encouraged to see that, in response to my survey question, “How well are your parents doing at matching the involvement level you want?” most respondents said parents were either “doing great” or “doing pretty well.” Granted, this was an informal survey, but still! 

It was also incredibly encouraging to see how many young adults said their parents were indeed there for them.  

One young woman said, “I would want my parents to know that they have done a great job. I feel like they are hard on themselves because they see me floundering a bit, but I feel like that’s normal for every new adult. I would much rather have a great and loving relationship with my parents and know they’re always there for me if I come to them, than have them prevent me from floundering at all by dictating my every move. I would also want to tell my parents that I wish I saw them more, because I miss hanging out with them every day.” 

So, for all those parents of young adults out there … let’s exhale. We may not be perfect, but in many cases, we are navigating this new and rather weird season fairly well. So ask your kids what they need (and don’t need) from you. Make a commitment to not be defensive about their responses. Enjoy these young people whose possibilities (and opinions) are endless! Tell them they’re doing a good job.  

And maybe, just maybe, stop tracking their location. 

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

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