Two Simple Steps to Transform Christmas Get-Togethers

ByShaunti Feldhahn

From shopping, cooking, wrapping, and year-end work projects, we all have enough to do this week. Oh, and don’t forget cookies for the neighbors! Or the attempts to organize a chaotic house into some sort of shape before the family get-together. Or the efforts to keep the peace between contentious Uncle Harry and our reactionary in-laws at said get-together.

So, this week I’ll offer just two simple steps that not only may help transform your Christmas get-togethers but also your family culture. Just two. That’s good news.

The bad news: we might have to hold up a mirror for a minute. Because before we can hope for peace on earth and goodwill toward men, we need to start with peace at home and goodwill toward our family members!

Those who regularly follow the blog (and I’m so grateful for you!) will know this statistic: Our research found that a whopping 95 percent of us have “kindness blindness.” Even for those of us who value kindness and positivity, these two scratchy truths apply, not just to contentious Uncle Harry, but to almost all of us:

  • we value kindness but are more unkind than we think we are, and
  • we often don’t see what matters to those who are most important to us

So, let’s flip the script on holiday get-togethers this year by being honest about what we’re bringing to the table. Instead of perpetuating an irritated, frustrated, vicious cycle — which none of us want to do! — we can trigger a virtuous cycle with these two little steps.

Step 1: Gut check your negative tendency

Most of us care about being kind and positive, especially at the holidays … but the holidays don’t magically eliminate our blind spot about just how often we are critical, exasperated, unengaged, or exhibiting a host of other unfortunate tendencies. Imagine for a minute what would happen if we came into Christmas gatherings with our antennae up about our own behavior, rather than the behavior of others. Seriously. Read that sentence again and think about what that would look like.

So, the critical comment you want to make about the seating arrangements? Don’t do it. Your irritation with your brother for slipping food to the dog? Just let Fido feast. Your desire to call out the family member who had one job (and it was the easiest one – grab ice on the way) and forgot? Smile, extend grace, and fill the glasses with room temperature water like that was your plan all along.

When we are willing to lay down our rights, hurts, and critical spirits, and extend to others what the Bible calls loving-kindness, it completely changes the situation. And guess what? It changes us, too.

Step 2: Work to see what matters to the other person

As I mentioned in a recent post, when we’re in the middle of the holiday swirl it is so easy to get caught up in the rush that we forget to relate. We are running around sharing chores with our spouse or kids, or trying to have a hurried conversation with an in-law at a family fathering, and running mostly on autopilot. So, we often don’t recognize (and don’t recognize that we don’t recognize!) what might be going on inside the other person: That they could have a concern about something that really matters to them during the holidays. Their sadness about being single when surrounded by romance, for example, or their embarrassment that Uncle Harry yet again dismissed their competence at finding a higher-paying job.

In the earlier blog, we talked about the importance of, essentially, “presence over presents” and making time to be together. But having empathy is the next step. When we are together, let’s not miss what matters to those we love.  

And this doesn’t have to be deep, heavy, stuff! Recognizing “what matters” could include things like identifying your cousins’ desire to do something together rather than simply eating themselves into a food coma. Perhaps they love board games and never have time to play them. So, play board games. Watch those movies you haven’t had time to watch. Ask each member of the family one thing they’d like to do together during this time. Or like my family, maybe you’ll even start planning a big trip for next year. Simply being together on a much-anticipated family vacation is how we’re making time for what matters to each of us.

Do you see the possibilities here?

Why does it matter?

What we are talking about here, in many different ways, is the power of kindness. And it should matter to us because it matters to the One whose birth we celebrate.  Over and over in the pages of scripture, Jesus shows what true kindness looks like.

If you’ve been hearing about The 30-Day Kindness Challenge but have never actually done it, I invite you to start your new year off in a powerful way. What could you lose? I’ve done the research and I know what you could gain: a new mindset and a new method to help your relationships thrive.

And if you have already done The Kindness Challenge, what would you say to those who are wondering if they should try it? Please comment below. (If you’re thinking about starting The Kindness Challenge in the new year, please also let us know in the comments. We can’t wait to hear how it goes.) Have a beautiful Christmas, everyone.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at [email protected].

Transform Your Relationships with Kindness! Join the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and Embrace the Power of Positivity. Watch as Kindness Strengthens Your Connections and Creates Lasting Bonds.

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