I’ve been contacted by a lot of readers and those in the media asking for my opinion on the American Psychological Association’s new guidelines for the Psychological Practice with Boys and Men—especially given the controversy surrounding its use of the phrase “toxic masculinity.” I’m sure many of you have seen the Gillette ad surrounding this hot topic (click here to view it). Given how much chatter there’s been over it (both positive and negative) in the media over the last few days, the topic of masculinity seems to be at the top of every newsfeed.
The short version of the controversy is this: the APA guidelines are generally based around the definition of masculinity as a social construct that is “harmful.” The guidelines rightly note that men are more likely to be aggressive, competitive, and so on, but they focus almost entirely on how to train that “toxic” stuff right out of our men and boys rather than recognizing the positive sides of those traits, and the many men who are using those traits in healthy, wonderful, honorable ways. Rather than how to encourage and support men and boys who aren’t using them well, to channel them in the right direction.
I wanted to post this quick heads-up note today, because so many people are talking about it, and asking what I think, given my 17 years of research into the deep, private ways that men think and feel, and how they are biologically and neurologically wired. I’ll be writing a purposeful piece about this next week in response. (I wish I could have done it this week, but we’re in the middle of one of our main surveys for our next book, and I just haven’t had the spare minutes!)
But here’s the bottom line of what I think: when I started reading the APA guidelines, it made me so sad I couldn’t get through the whole thing. About halfway through I started skimming. I wanted to be a good little researcher and truly dig in, but I was simply overwhelmingly saddened by the lack of recognition of the positive side of masculinity. I speak with so many men who simply don’t feel validated for the healthy, honorable people they are, and it was shocking to see that be perpetuated by the psychological professionals who should be helping men.
Now please hear me: I’m absolutely positive that the APA’s intentions were good, sincerely trying to confront what is actually a problem—masculine norms can be abused, there can be an inappropriate excusing of “boys will be boys” and we have to hold each other to high standards. The intention was good but unfortunately in today’s society with some groupthink, political correctness and denial of biology (and frankly, the denial of what is healthy for men), the APA’s report is actually perpetuating the problems that they are sincerely trying to solve.
So stay tuned for my upcoming (more in-depth) post on this important subject of “toxic masculinity” and how we can be a part of the solution in supporting our men and sons to be the best they can be—with our full support, love and appreciation for who they are designed to be.
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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her latest book, Find Rest: A Women’s Devotional for Lasting Peace in Busy Life, focuses on a journey to rest even with life’s constant demands.
Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
Was looking forward to your reaction to this, given all your research. Thank you for taking the time to write a piece! All the best!
Maybe if we had a decent honorable man for President we wouldn’t have the toxic masculinity backlash.
The latest news shows high school boys wearing MAGA hats harassing a Native American Vietnam vet. How disgraceful.
I would take you more seriously if you didn’t endorse a man who states wives must act lovingly and respectfully toward their abusive husbands.
Really, Kate? It’s all Trump’s fault?
So women are still trying to make men “perfect”. We will never be “perfect” no more than women can be. I have seen women work very hard to neutralize a man’s masculinity, then they don’t like what they end up with, a “girl friend” in a man’s body. A complete misfit.
I didn’t say is all Trump’s fault, but he has certainly stirred the pot more to create divisiveness in our country more than any other President I can remember in my lifetime. Not just between men and women, but amongst many groups.
I didn’t vote for Clinton or Trump. I think both parties going ahead must find better candidates to run.
Watching TV with my 20 year old daughter and listening to Trump and the opinions of others during the Kavanaugh hearings was mortifying. I thought we had lived in a world that had progressed beyond such talk. Even if you don’t believe Blasey Ford one can still treat the situation with much more dignity than Trump and the senators on the judiciary committee did.
Yes, Kate, you essentially said, it was Trump’s fault. And no one has created more divisiveness than Obama.
As far as the Kavanaugh hearings go, do you realize what Corey Booker said?
“And then ultimately, not whether he is ‘innocent or guilty’ – this is not a trial – but ultimately, have enough questions been raised that we should not move on to another candidate.
Do you really want an America where innocent or guilt is irrelevant? Every American, no matter what your political affiliation, should be horrified at that statement.
Still want to tell me how the high school boys wearing MAGA hats were harassing a Native American Vietnam Vet? Nathan Phillips – never served in Vietnam. High school boys – standing around waiting for a bus to pick them up while a radical black group yelled racial and sexual slurs at them. Lying native american walks up to Nick Sandamann and starts beating his drum in front of him while the kid just stands there not sure what to do about it so he just smiles and keeps his mouth shut.
Abusive grown ups and innocent kids is what really happened. Stop Fake News!!