When Your Husband Wants Sex…Again
Wives, does your husband want sex…again? It’s not just a physical need — it’s also about emotions. Here are three things he’s not saying out loud when he comes to you for sex:
1. “I need to feel desirable.” We women may think sex is just a physical need for a guy, but that’s not most of what is going on. When his wife responds to him – or initiates it herself! – it meets a deep emotional need to feel that his wife desires him.
2. “I love you and want to be closer to you.” We women want to feel close outside the bedroom in order to feel close inside the bedroom. But for many men, when they feel tension in the air, when there’s distance, when they know something’s just not right… they miss their wife. For a man’s biological chemistry, in fact, sex is one of the only times that his brain releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which brings a great feeling of closeness with someone. When he reaches for you, you may think, I cannot believe he would want sex now, when we’re at odds/fighting/distant. But instead, realize: he’s reaching for you in order to get back that feeling of closeness with you that he is longing for.
3. “I’m really vulnerable right now.” Because sex is more of an emotional need than a physical one for him, many men in my research told me there is no time more insecure, scary and vulnerable than when they approach their wives in that way. They are essentially laying their “desirability” and their heart out in front of you and asking, “what do you think of me?” Without realizing it, when we are tired or just not in the mood, it is easy to brush him off in a way that cuts that vulnerable heart deeply. Now, just to be clear, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have a say in the matter! Of course, there will be times we simply aren’t able to respond. But when that happens, it is even more critical that we show him how much we care, how much we love him, and (with a saucy wink) that we need to make a date for another night!
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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
My husband is 69 and on medication for anxiety and between the two he has trouble releasing during sex. Then he also gets tired out and starts a coughing spasm. His desire for sex seems constant even though it may take several times of trying to get it for him. I’m just not into having sex every day/night. It’s not fulfilling for me when he’s not able to stay hard enough for me to come to orgasm. My real question is: He wants me to be totally into it every time he wants sex. I’ve tried and I just can’t. I’m a willing vessel, but he gets turned off by that lately. It didn’t use to be a problem when we were younger. I don’t want to fake it. And his constantly being after me is leaving me tired and frustrated. I’ve prayed about it and asked for the Lord’s guidance yesterday and today I see this article, so that nudged me to consult you.
Let me assure you that the medication for anxiety is 90% of the problem. I’m much younger than 69 and when I was on anxiety medication, release was almost impossible. The getting “tired out” is for that very reason – constantly working but never finishing. That’s why he’s coughing (I didn’t do that, but I’m younger) and eventually the body needs a rest, including loosing the erection. I would suggest getting to the root of the anxiety issues, and getting off the meds.
What were the odds that I’d look up this page and find something that I could answer because I had experience in it? Maybe I’m the humble servant the Lord sent?
I’m just a normal Christian husband trying to make his wife happy. I am not selling anything and I don’t give a rat’s patootie if these ED companies make money. I just want women happy about having sex with their husbands.
That said, if normal ED medications aren’t keeping him hard enough, you may want to encourage him to use injection methods. It’s a little scary at first, but once you get the hang of it the erections are long lasting and reliable. Trust me, you are going to benefit even more than your husband. While you are certainly right to not be up to an every day schedule, I think before you start arguing with him about frequency, you need to solve the ED issues. You may actually find you are up to having sex everyday if you were getting the pleasure you are wanting.
I think this is something I would ask any woman – If you knew you would be guaranteed to get an extremely satisfying orgasm every time you had sex, why wouldn’t you want to have a lot of sex? God designed it to be a win-win. Obviously, there are exceptions and time pressures to consider, but it is worth going down this road if the result can make both of you happy.
Doug, but many women don’t have an orgasm of any kind when they have sex. I would ask you how interested would you be then? Oh and for your information, most women don’t orgasm through intercourse, so it would be of no benefit to her if he takes ED medication or he doesn’t. It’s time men realized that what they do with their penis is far less important than what they do with their fingers or mouths. It’s all about the clitoris for most of us. Even vaginal orgasms are clitoral ones really. Those women whose inside parts of their clitoris is close to the outside of the vaginal wall will more than likely be able to orgasm though penetration. If, like most women her clitoris bulb is too far away from her vaginal wall, she won’t orgasm this way.
I wish Shaunti Feldhahn would stop using the term ‘we women”. She does not speak for me. It’s so irritating.