When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Three
This is the third and final article in a 3-part series written by Christian Sex Therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma, offering hope, encouragement, and direction to wives who have a stronger sexual drive than their husbands. In Part One and Part Two, Dr. Sytsma pointed out that wives with a stronger sexual drive than their husbands will need to prepare to work through this difficult area of conflict with patience, clear communication, a sense of calmness and curiosity, reasonable expectations, prayer, a decision to avoid assuming the worst about the reasons for the mismatch – and a willingness to get specialized help for the conversation if needed.
When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Three.
By Dr. Michael Sytsma
Now let’s dive into the clinical, psychological and emotional aspects of why a husband’s sex drive might be lower than his wife’s.
Our focus in Part Three of this series is: Explore the three possible explanations.
Explanation #1: It’s Normal
Sometimes, the most accurate explanation is that the wife’s natural sexual desire is simply higher than the husband’s. Nothing is broken or wrong in either of you.
Many people don’t’ realize, in fact, that there are two different types of desire. “Assertive” or initiating desire is characterized by wanting to pursue sex and being quickly ready, and is typically tied to a higher level of testosterone. A second type of desire is “receptive” desire. This is a normal type of desire where the spouse will typically respond to but not initiate sex. It is perfectly normal to be a couple where you as the wife happen to have assertive desire and your husband happens to have receptive desire. If this is true for your marriage, you both will need to understand both your own type of desire and your spouse’s, as well as how to work with it and grow as a couple.
In my research and clinical experience, I do not find couples that are perfectly matched in sexual desire — one always has a higher drive than the other. For some couples, the spouse who is the high-desire partner switches at various times in marriage due to stressors like children, finances, careers, and physical issues. As stated earlier, 80 percent of the time the higher desire spouse is the husband, but that means for one in five marriages, the wife is. If you are simply one of the 20 percent in which the wife has a higher drive than the husband, learning to accept your role will be critical.
Accepting your role will mean different things in each marriage. It often means accepting that you will typically be the initiator of sexual interaction. It may mean figuring out how to seduce him on a regular basis. While it may involve learning how to share with him when you are feeling disconnected and desiring sexual connection, it does not mean shaming him or demanding from him.
As a couple, if you are working with a Christian sex therapist, your husband will be given tasks to fulfill, such as disciplining himself to engage with you sexually on a regular basis out of a heart of love for your needs — but you do not control his tasks. Your task is to learn how to accept your role as normal for your marriage. Due to the sensitivity of this scenario — you feeling like sex is a ‘duty’ to him, him feeling badly that sex feels like a ‘duty’ to him, and him feeling badly that it feels badly to you (it’s complicated) — very likely warrants at least a few sessions with a specialized Christian sex therapist to get you on the road to understanding and putting to practice these disciplines.
Explanation #2: Your High Desire is Problematic
It is possible that your desire is problematically high. High desire alone rarely causes distress in a marriage. What we do with the high desire — demanding, shaming, redirecting, etc. — is what tends to cause the problems. If you are wanting sex many times a week over a significant period of time (weeks to months) and are having trouble disciplining it, I recommend talking with a professional to assess if it may be some type of hyper-sexuality.
But remember: just because you and your husband think your level of desire is problematically high, doesn’t mean a professional will agree. A well-trained and experienced counselor can provide an assessment and a path forward. Also, realize that an unusually high level of desire is no problem if the two of you agree on the frequency. It only becomes a problem if you’re not, or you direct it somewhere other than your spouse.
Explanation #3: His Low Desire is Problematic
If we put male sexual desire on a bell curve, we have difficulty identifying when it is low enough to label it a problem in need of treatment. If the two of you suspect his desire is more problematically low than normal, it’s time to explore some of the explanations. The following are some of the common explanations I have found:
His life is out of balance. This may be the most common reason I find for low sexual desire in men. Getting men to stop working 80 hours a week, to get more than 6 hours of sleep each night, to eat healthy, to get regular exercise, and to take time off to relax can make a huge difference in sexual desire. While this may seem simplistic, getting off the treadmill to relax on a routine enough basis to impact his sexual desire may require significant life changes, including a different job with less pay. If you find yourself as a couple in this situation, a life coach or counselor may be able to give you some helpful advice on making some significant changes that can lead to a more fulfilling life.
Hormonal imbalance. There is a lot of controversy in assessing and treating testosterone and other male hormone levels. Sometimes, the best way to address low testosterone is getting life back in balance. Other times, finding a physician who is up on the latest research, and who monitors more than just testosterone — and treats your scenario with more complexity than just giving a monthly shot, patch, gel, or spray — can make a world of difference.
Performance fears. With both men and women, our sexual desire is hugely impacted by fear. I often hear husbands express fear that they might not be able to perform as well as they believe they should. This is especially true as men get older and erections are less reliable. Some men repress their desires rather than risk the embarrassment or shame of Erectile Dysfunction with their wives.
The fear that the husband won’t be able to please his wife sexually can be reinforced if her desire is naturally higher than his, she has had more sexual partners, or she is more adventurous or erotic than he is. Another common fear is pain. If the wife experiences pain during sex even somewhat consistently, a sensitive, caring husband will often lose desire in what appears to be an unconscious protection of the wife.
Redirected sexuality. A common reason husbands have a low desire to connect sexually with their wives is because they are redirecting their sexual behavior. The greatest fear for many wives is that he is having an affair. This is one of the more destructive ways sexual desire is directed away from marriage. In the chance you discover an affair, please seek help quickly. Some of the best marriages I work with have healed from affairs, but this usually takes skilled guidance with a professional counselor who has had experience working in this particular arena (not just a general marriage counselor).
More common ways sexual desire is directed away from the marriage is through masturbation and pornography. This can initially be devastating to many wives. Most will start by believing it is about them — “If I looked different he wouldn’t be looking at that.” But the reality is that this was likely occurring long before the marriage and has virtually nothing to do with the wife. Centering yourself, allowing this to be your husband’s issue, and challenging him to get the help he needs to remove it from his life and your marriage are key steps to moving forward. Go gently and prayerfully into this challenge, and get educated on it (I recommend Shaunti Feldhahn’s new book Through A Man’s Eyes). He is likely not proud of the behavior and will almost certainly be defensive at first, maybe even attacking and blaming you. Expect it and plan not to be reactive or the focus shifts to the fight and away from the issue. Gently express the negative impact on you, and invite him to be different. It is good to set a limit, saying this does not belong in your marriage, but it may take some work to get it removed. Seek help early if you think you need it.
Personality issues. “She’s right,” one husband told me. “I honestly don’t think of having sex with her. I wake up thinking about work and go to sleep thinking about work. I love her and enjoy sex, but I just don’t think of it.” While this reflects some life imbalance, this man’s comments reveal a hyper-focused husband. In this particular example, when asked, he said he desired sex 2-3 times a week and only with his wife. We just needed to work on how to help him regularly step out of his hyper-focus to enjoy his wife and marriage.
I have also seen low sexual desire show up in men who have obsessive-compulsive characteristics, and who greatly dislike the bodily fluids and general “mess” involved in sex. Other men have more autistic, detached general personality characteristics that keep them from desiring intimate contact like sex.
Lack of attraction to spouse. While this is one of the most common fears of wives, it is one of the less common reasons husbands give for low sexual drive. But, while not as common as feared, there are husbands who struggle with the physical appearance of their wives. Occasionally this happens when couples marry because they are good friends and the marriage made sense, rather than because they fell in love and felt passion for each other. In these cases, developing a passion that was never there can be be a tall order. Even if they aren’t successful in developing a passionate physical attraction, I often find these couples are capable of developing a rich, rewarding, and long lasting marriage that they wouldn’t trade for the physical rush. It’s helpful to keep in mind that a healthy goal is an intimate, fun, sensual, rich marriage. Pursuing that goal is very doable and can even build into a relationship with a very healthy eroticism.
More typically, lack of self-care (which sometimes occurs after having children) causes areas of unattractiveness that distract him and inhibit his sexual desire. While wives are often afraid they need to have a perfect body, the right size breasts, and a flat stomach, that is usually completely untrue. It is simply that most husbands are able to lean in better when she is practicing good self-care (a relatively healthy diet, and staying active) and working to be erotic and comfortable with her body.
Sinful heart. Finally, I will occasionally discover a husband who has a withholding, sinful heart. Seeking to control or punish his wife by generally withholding himself from her can all be aspects of this mean individual. When present, this is a spiritual issue on the part of the husband that the wife is powerless to address beyond praying for him and remaining her best, despite his behavior. Fortunately, this seems to be quite rare. I would suggest professional counseling for a wife who thinks this may be her situation, to assist her in identifying the healthiest way for her to bring about change.
Develop an Action Plan
Once you understand your husband’s explanation for his low sexual desire, hopefully he will also have a better understanding of how it impacts you. Only then will you be ready to develop a tentative action plan for moving forward. If possible, agree together on the action steps and how you are going to track them. Work to accept influence from each other and don’t expect your best solution will necessarily work for the two of you. Most couples find it takes a variety of “solutions” over time to resolve the conflict over sexual desire.
Keep moving forward with your plan. The reason most couples fail in this area is because the required conversations trigger so many negative emotions that they quickly learn to avoid the subject. Avoiding the subject means no progress is made and the couple is stuck. As you can see, courage and communication skills are critical for success, which is why many couples with trouble in this area need professional help. Keep leaning in and seek help if you need it.
Keep the End in Mind
Finally, keep the end in mind. If you have higher desire than he does, and your goal is mind-blowing sex three times a week, or a husband who is always hot after you, you may almost certainly be disappointed. If your goal is regular intimate lovemaking, you can most certainly be successful. God designed sex as a beautiful and powerful way to reflect Him and bond a couple together. Pursuing His goal for you as a couple is always worth it.
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Be sure to read Part One and Part Two of this three -part series offering hope, encouragement, and direction to wives who have a stronger sexual drive than their husbands.
Dr. Michael Sytsma has been working with couples in a variety of capacities since 1987. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Georgia, a Certified Sex Therapist, and a Certified Sexual Addictions Specialist. He is also an ordained minister with The Wesleyan Church and has served as a staff pastor for churches with attendance from 30 to over 1000. Michael and Karen have been married since 1985 and have two sons, Josiah and Caleb.
Find a Therapist is a good place to start looking for a therapist who is trained and specializes in helping in sexuality.
While this is by far the most helpful article on the subject that I have ever read I still see a discouraging issue that I would very much like clarification on.
In the Bible, Paul tells not just wives but also husbands not to withhold sex from their spouse except in times of fasting and prayer.
Why is it that when the husband has the higher sex drive the wife is ***always*** told to meet his needs yet here one of the possibilities is that my wants are too high and problematic? Why shouldn’t my husband simply be told to meet my needs the way wives are?
It’s fifteen minutes twice a week. Is that really so much to ask?
Normalwoman is exactly right . I would really like to see a response on this . Both situations should get the same answer . The man should meet her needs because it says so in the bible . Period . Just like you tell the women . Why the discrepancy ????
My thoughts exactly Shel. Shaunti’s blog is not really a safe place for me. I have often come away feeling betrayed after reading some of her posts or in this case a guest post. I might do some research on Michael Sytsma and see if he has written an equivalent post for lower drive women. If he has, I don’expect to see it on this blog.
So much of this! We even went to a “Biblical counselor” who completely skipped over this issue. Only stopping long enough to ask my husband, “how do you think this makes her feel?” Seriously?! That’s it? We all can accurately guess what the response would have been if *I* had been the spouse not giving sexual attention. Almost a decade into our marriage and I’m still waiting to make love to a husband who loves to give as much as he loves to receive. He’s happy to take anything I’ll give if I initiate, but begrudgingly reciprocates. (That’s actually an improvement. He used to not reciprocate at all.) He tells me daily that he loves me, but everytime I hear it, my heart questions if it’s true. I’m either married to a man who truly doesn’t care, or a stupid one who is too dense to understand even though I have begged him over and over for years, telling him what I want.
I agree with the other women who left responses here. Plus if the man is the head of the household, under Christ, then he needs to take personal responsibility for his actions or inactions as the case may be. He need not be coddled and “prepared” to have difficult conversations with his wife. Furthermore, few men are willing to admit the real reasons for lack of sexual intimacy with his wife. In other words, what has been “found” in this authors practice is likely, highly skewed to be more benign than what is true. Every single relationship I’ve had where the man lacked a desire for sexual relationship (more than one) it was because of unaknowledged/not admitted addiction to pornography. This addiction runs deep amongst the men of the church and it is practically impossible to rid a marriage of it. If you have ever caught your husband masturbating it’s fairly safe to assume this is his problem. It is NEVER the wife’s responsibility to “live with”, fix or otherwise tolerate this abuse (yes it is abuse). If the husband refuses to take affirmative action to cease this perversion it is grounds for divorce, even in the eyes of God. Get out ladies, there is someone out there who will love and cherish you and find all their fulfillment in you and you alone!!!
I agree more with the comments than the article. This article series is so hurtful and unhelpful. Let me get this straight. I am to accept the lack of desire as my husband ages and instead adjust mine. He does not have to accept any sort of physical aging issues on my part, I need to somehow defy those and be more attractive. Gee thanks.
I very much related to and appreciate what these other ladies are saying in their comments (Shel, NormalWoman, AnotherNormalWife, ErahMc, & WifeyR). So while it’s somewhat of a “comfort” knowing that I am clearly not alone in this issue of me having a higher sex drive than my husband has, it’s of absolutely NO “comfort” whatsoever that I as the wife am supposed to tiptoe around this issue as though I have to be oh-so-careful of my husband’s “fragile ego” or “issues.” It’s such a double standard! First off, in my case, this is my second marriage. My first marriage ended in divorce due to the fact my first husband cheated (among other things). My second (current) husband is 10 years older than me, and I’m almost 47. He is on medication for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and has a pretty stressful job (hello don’t we all – boo hoo). I have asked him about the medication impacting him in the sexual area, which he certainly acknowledges. However, we have been married not quite 2 years and I am not happy with our sex life because there is only one if I initiate it. Then, he ejaculates so quickly, if I’m not ready to have an orgasm almost instantaneously (hello, seriously?!), then POOF it’s all over and there I am, completely disappointed and discouraged. He loves me, no question. That is not the issue. I will have to talk with him more about this so that he realizes this is very important to me, but it is a very touchy/sensitive subject and I’m pretty sure defensiveness will kick in as well as feelings of inadequacy, etc. I’m really just sad knowing I will likely be “pleasuring myself” in private for the rest of this married life due to the fact I need way more release than I am getting! I could go on for hours, but you all already know this whole story.
Wow this helped me so much. Thank you for taking time to write this very informative article. I truly appreciate it and now have hope that I am normal. I cant wait to try some of the new tactics learned, starting with myself. Thank you.
I appreciate the article and tips, but I also would like the questions in the comments to be addressed, respectfully. Why am I as a Christian woman told that if my husband is in the mood and I am not, I should work to get myself in the mood so he doesn’t feel rejected, since it’s such a deep heart issue for him. Yet when the roles are reversed, instead of the husband being told to do things to help him get in the mood and make maing love to his wife a priority, the wife is again told to accommodate, not make him feel bad about it, and realize he just might not want it. Regardless of how deep of a heart issue it is for us and how painful it is. When a man would devote all his energy to anything and everything during the day, work, friends, hobbies, etc., then that night say he is too tired to be in the mood, I wonder why it’s okay for him to have his priorities out of line. If he really wanted to be with his wife, he would save thought and energy for that. But if a woman did the same thing to her husband, she would be criticized for not making making love to him a priority. I ask, pease address this double standard!! Tell the men it is just as important to us, and instead of making excuses, address the issues and learn to desire your wife who needs you and picked you of all the thousands of men around to share her body with. Get physical or emotional needs addressed, and think about her sexually throughout the day instead of other things that will be tossed into the trash in a short time,so that you will be primed to want to be with her when you both get home. I love and respect husband, and I have empathy for our differences, but why a double standard? We as women are darned if we do and darned if we don’t.
I think Shaunti was talking to the wife about ‘centering’ Herself because she is very aware after years of counselling and research that blaming the husband is counterproductive whereas understanding and working together is the only wise way forward. She is wanting the marriage to move healthily towards intimacy not put the ‘blame’ on husband or wife. I know in reverse would be the same advice to not shame the wife with lower desire as is unkind and also won’t work!!!
Teresa
But, Teresa, this is precisely the point these women are making. We don’t see Shaunti advising husbands to be patient and understamding. She always states that she ‘writes to women’, as a lot of female marriage bloggers do. These one sided blogs can be so damaging and this is wjy I wouldn’t recommend them to any woman who is struggling.
Christiana! You said it so perfectly! Everything else gets his attention unless it’s important to me, like sex. Plus, I am not able to initiate, if I try, it only 100% ensures I will get nothing that night. For whatever reason, nothing completely turns him off like me initiating. What this article dances around is the fact that we emasculate our men, not on purpose, of course; we do nonetheless just by wanting it more when society and the men think it should be the opposite. The more emasculated he feels, the less sex we get. I hear men claim they want a woman that wants sex as much as he does, but I’ve yet to see it be true. They say it because they think they’re more likely to find a unicorn in their front yard than a woman that desires a lot of sex. We are a bit mythical in that they’ve heard we exist, but usually never find one themselves.
Again Christiana you nailed it! I have said this til my face turned blue! Men go after what they want, ferociously. If his interest finds its way to woodworking, suddenly I’m staring at a new lathe and a host of other tools, if music is his fancy this month, a guitar and amp, and all it entails, etc. So why can’t our sex life be that interest for once? Where are all of the fun things that can be purchased for the bedroom and the gung ho attitude?! Oh wait, I buy them and they end up with the lathe and amp in the garage not being used, like my kama sutra chair and yoga\sex swing.
Wow I find this article so helpful! Whenever I have searched the internet for help in this area I only get sleezy advice for erotic-driven women.
I feel so ready to extend a new level of grace toward my husband and take him out of the boxes that I’ve put him into. I also feel like it helps me to feel better as a women, knowing that I’m not the problem, and neither is he…we are just different and need to extend grace toward each other as we communicate or needs and expectations.
Thanks!
I agree with most of the women here. You’re basically saying I need to be patient and accept less, and that my drive is problematic. I’m sure that wouldn’t be your advice to a man. Women should just pray and love their men through it and if nothing happens, oh well? Ugh and I love how you think him masterbating and having an affair is something we should deal with. It’s clear you find the man’s needs more important than the woman’s. This is why women leave. And then men get all hurt and confused and go MGTOW when they’re too stupid to realize they’re the ones that screwed up. You only get so many chances. You only get so many kind, open hearted talks.
But, Teresa, this is precisely the point these women are making. We don’t see Shaunti advising husbands to be patient and understamding. She always states that she ‘writes to women’, as a lot of female marriage bloggers do. These one sided blogs can be so damaging and this is wjy I wouldn’t recommend them to any woman who is struggling.
The best thing about this article is that I realised that I’m not alone, an that many beautiful and desirable women go through the same thing. Bless you all! 🙏
It has some good advices, that I will try to pursue, but I couldn’t help wondering if he would go through so much trouble if the story was reversed, or he would just finde satisfaction somewhere else…
I agree with the comments, I’m glad all these women said something. I follow the Bible; when my husband wants sex I have sex. Even when I’m tired, not feeling 100%, or had a rough day —I submit to my husband. But it’s not as if I don’t enjoy doing that; being intimate with him makes things better. But for him, it’s different. He makes up a lot of excuses when I initiate; I’m almost always told “not right now” And he’s even tried claiming I ask at all the wrong times… so I’ve tried asking at different times with little success —especially if there’s a game on tv. It’s not fair to make your wife wait on sex until you’re ready —let her turn you on! I swear there have legit been times when I’ve actively tried turning my husband on and he intentionally ignored my advancements just so I’ll stop and give up, just so he can focus on his own show and thoughts… that hurts! All we want is a little effort. And then I still catch him watching porn later when I’M right HERE! Somebody tell these men to wake up and realize what’s in front of them!
I did not expect to see my thoughts so week reflected in the comments. I agree on the need for patient, understanding communication. But where is the part where he gets called out on the Biblical mandate to be his wife’s helpmeet when it comes to making love? Everything the other ladies wrote… I was thinking those thoughts as I read the 3- part article.
I’m connecting with the commenters so much more than with the article. Ladies, I think we need a support group, I’d love to chat with all of you but have no way to connect back to you. (could try through my Griefstagram – @grief_unapologetic 🙂 )
For years now I’ve been trying to work through this issue with my husband. I love to take care of him and I get so much pleasure from giving it to him, but it’s so rare that it’s returned to me. I’ve talked to him, written him letters, and nothing changes. I have so much more of a heart for people who have affairs or use pornography – it’s not a Black Or White Issue : there are underlying reasons to it. Yes, affairs and porn are not good. But there is usually a road that leads to them where a truly loving spouse would have kept you off that path.
Double standards indeed. Most articles address women needing to put in the effort. Where are the articles telling men to do the same? Not that they’d bother reading them 🙄. Sigh. I’m with you ladies. 🙁
(hopefully this doesn’t post twice, I got no confirmation that it worked)
I’m connecting with the commenters so much more than with the article. Ladies, I think we need a support group, I’d love to chat with all of you but have no way to connect back to you. (could try through my Griefstagram – @grief_unapologetic 🙂 )
For years now I’ve been trying to work through this issue with my husband. I love to take care of him and I get so much pleasure from giving it to him, but it’s so rare that it’s returned to me. I’ve talked to him, written him letters, and nothing changes. I have so much more of a heart for people who have affairs or use pornography – it’s not a Black Or White Issue : there are underlying reasons to it. Yes, affairs and porn are not good. But there is usually a road that leads to them where a truly loving spouse would have kept you off that path.
Double standards indeed. Most articles address women needing to put in the effort. Where are the articles telling men to do the same? Not that they’d bother reading them 🙄. Sigh. I’m with you ladies. 🙁
My husband enjoys non sexual physical touch like snuggling and hugs and massages.. not really kissing or anything more than that. But when we touch and I get aroused and want sex, he doesn’t “feel like it” And I end up getting rejected.. so I don’t feel as interested or safe having close physical contact because it just feels like it’s setting myself up for rejection and hurt and physical frustration. But then his main reason for why he says he doesn’t want to have sex more is that it feels like our physical intimacy is too low and he doesn’t feel comfortable going all the way to sex when we don’t touch enough in non sexual ways. Do you see my dilemma?? Anyone in a similar situation is welcome to reply but I am curious what an experienced person or the author would say. Thanks.