How do I convince my wife to let me see her body?
Dear Shaunti,
OK, awkward question but here goes: how can I convince my wife to let me see her in all her glory? We have a decent sex life, we don’t have any real marriage problems, and I’m careful to not check out other women. But she still seems to feel like how she looks is not “enough” somehow. She worries about gaining weight since the kids arrived, her “small boobs,” or the fact that she doesn’t get to the gym anymore. I tell her that she’s beautiful and it just bounces off. So she hides behind a towel in the bathroom, and looks embarrassed when I walk into the room when she’s changing. She tries to quickly throw on clothes instead of taking me at my word that I think she’s beautiful and I want to see her body! How can I convince her?
-Stumped
Dear Stumped –
I think you’ve just articulated the question of many husbands! Just last night Jeff and I were speaking at a couple’s event, and at the book table afterward a man asked about my new book, Through A Man’s Eyes. When I explained it helps women understand how visual men are, what it is like for men to navigate all these sexualized images in public that were only supposed to be seen in private, and how to support men today, he started laughing. He said:
Oh, I’m so glad to have a way to explain this to my wife! It’s like I’m out there every day, and every few minutes I see an image and look away. See a magazine cover and look away. See that woman dressed provocatively and look away. See the billboard over there and look away. Over and over and over, I look away. And then I come home, and my wife wants to change clothes and she goes into the closet and shuts the door! And I’m like…. seriously!?
I couldn’t help but laugh, too. See, you men are experiencing a total catch-22. If your wife is like most women, she doesn’t understand just how much you are visually stimulated every day and that you want to come home and feast your eyes on her instead – and at the same time she is also insecure enough about her body that she thinks you’ll be turned off if you see what she really looks like!
God has a sense of humor, right?
How do you solve this? Honestly, you need to reassure her and you need to educate her. Reassure her that you think she is beautiful. Don’t pressure her to take off the towel, but tell her over and over just how much you love how she is made, how she is even more beautiful to you today than she was when you first married, how you love her individuality (small boobs and all!), and that you still get that feeling inside when you see her just walking down the stairs or washing dishes at the sink.
Seriously… that is what she needs to hear. Every day. Because according to our surveys of women, most doubt it every day.
To educate her, you might have to get out of your comfort zone. Explain that you want her to understand how you see the world, and ask if it is something she wants to know about you. Most women do, but, frankly, some women aren’t sure. Your visual nature is so foreign to women (since our wiring is so different) that it can sometimes be intimidating for a woman to hear. But that usually goes away as long as you make it clear that you want to talk about it because you want to increase the closeness between you; you want her to understand what it is like to be you every day.
If she says she wants to understand that, then tell her what it is like to be a visual guy today, and how often you see things that you don’t want to have to see. Tell her how much you delight in seeing her, rather than the other images out there. In fact, it might help to take a look at the chapter in Through A Man’s Eyes that explains how the male brain is actually physically wired differently from her brain as a woman.
Bottom line: if you explain that you turn away from those images because you love her, it will reassure her that you really do love her and find her beautiful. And once she is reassured that you mean it when you say you love how she looks in all her glory, she’ll be a lot more comfortable about letting you see her. Trust me, it may take some courage on her part, so keep telling her she’s beautiful. After all, that is a delight that she will never outgrow!
Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths – including helping women understand men – at your event, church service or network? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.
Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
Great article, but incomplete. You make it sound as though all the husband has to do is EXPLAIN his visual fascination, and she’ll be like “oh, okay” and undress. The problem isn’t that the wife doesn’t know he’s visual. It’s that she DOES know he’s visual. We are told our entire lives that we don’t measure up physically, even those of us who weren’t enslaved by modern culture, television, etc. Knowing he’s visual simply reminds us that we don’t compare to the images he sees all day long. It’s a sense of inadequacy women deal with more than ignorance. What we need is constant reassurance that we are enough. He may feel like he’s giving that already, but I promise, she needs more of it than what you could realize.
I hear what you are saying, but, the other issue is”good girls DO NOT UNDRESS IN FRONT OF A MAN”. This is preached all of the time. Now what, does she become a slut, even though she is MARRIED TO THE MAN IN THECORNER!!!
I think it would help if my husband actually did make the effort to turn away from looking at other women. The fact that he doesn’t makes me feel like it’s meaningless when he wants to look at me because I know he wants to look at a billion other women in the exact same way.
I think that IF he IS looking at other women, WHY? Have you had a conversation with him about being fair to you, and then give him a chance and show him YOU, and remind him that, as they say ” there is more where that came from; But HE HAS TO KEEP HIS END OF THE BARGIN, KAPISH?