Shaunti Feldhahn

Helping People Thrive in Life and Relationships

  • Books & Studies
  • Research
  • Speaking
  • For Leaders
  • Resources
  • Blog
  • Podcast
  • About
  • Contact
Home > Articles > 2 is better than 1: Facing Conflict Together

2 is better than 1: Facing Conflict Together

April 20, 2015 by Shaunti Feldhahn Leave a Comment

Dear Shaunti,

I work a lot of hours, and when I’m at home, I don’t want conflict.   Problem is, we’ve had a lot of conflict recently – we’re both stressed by some extra medical bills and headaches with our kids – and it seems a whole lot better to me to try to avoid it.  We both have good, supportive friends we can turn to, so when things get tense, I tell my wife I’m going to play a bit of pool at Justin’s house or watch the game at John’s place.  Only now my wife is getting on my case about me doing that.  I would tell her that Justin is a whole lot more fun to hang out with these days, but I’m smart enough to know that wouldn’t exactly help.  But what is going to help?  What can I do to stop this cycle?

-Out of Ideas

Dear Out of Ideas,

Without intending to, you’re causing the very problem you want to avoid.  Although pulling away from your wife to avoid conflict might seem like a wise move, it is actually the last thing you want to do.  Why?  Because it means you will be feeling more and more distant from your wife just when you most need to draw on a sense of closeness, camaraderie and trust in order to get through this tough patch.

Here’s a comparison that might help.  Imagine you and your buddy Justin had some sort of a significant difference of opinion or hurt feelings about something.  Now imagine that you and a distant acquaintance had the same sort of problem.  Would you be more likely to be able to resolve the conflict with Justin?  Or with the acquaintance?

You probably said Justin.  Because both of you would be motivated to solve it and do the work to do so, since you are close friends.

Well, marriage is supposed to be the tightest friendship of all.

At the most basic level, our spouse should be our best friend. And by far the best way to create a close relationship with anyone is to spend time around each other often.  Anyone who has had a close friend move away knows that is true. When you spend time apart, your friendship isn’t as close and intimate as it was before. It’s the same in marriage. In fact, in our research with the happiest couples, 83 percent said they made an effort to hang out with each other a lot, even through the times of conflict – which kept their friendship strong and made resolving conflict far more possible.

By contrast, by escaping the conflict you are not only escaping your wife and diminishing the friendship between you, but you are making yourself vulnerable to the subtle but poisonous temptation to spend more time with your friends than your wife.  Quite the recipe for disaster.

So instead, find ways to spend time together.  You don’t have to schedule candlelight dinners every night and stare deeply into each others’ eyes. (I mean, seriously?) But make an effort to do informal stuff like just sitting and having your morning coffee, working a crossword, or just running to the store together.  The key is the word “together.”

One noted counselor told me that she prescribes troubled couples just one simple action that – in most cases – leads to dramatically different results over time: To spend at least 30 minutes each night, talking and hanging out, with no negativity.   After a week or two, the couple begins to remember why they married each other – they enjoy each other again.  And that rebirth in their friendship changes everything.

It can change everything for you, too.  You may still need to take some time away from conflict to process things, but don’t escape to a friend’s house.  At least for now.  Instead, come back to talk with your wife as soon as possible.  By doing so you will show her that she is your closest friend and that the friendship between the two of you is worth fighting for.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

Filed Under: Communication, Patheos (Ask Shaunti), Surprising Secrets book

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

I accept the Privacy Policy

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Sign up for Shaunti’s Blog

Categories

  • 30 Day Challenge
  • 30DKC MLN
  • Articles
  • Emotional Security
  • Emotions at Work
  • Financial Security/Emotional Security
  • For Couples
  • For Marriage Leaders
  • For Men
  • For Parents
  • For the Workplace
  • For Women
  • Freedom and Boundaries
  • Good News Updates
  • His Need for Respect
  • How to Listen
  • How to Talk and Listen
  • Independence
  • Interviews with Men
  • Interviews with Men and Women
  • Interviews with Women
  • Life Balance
  • Love & Respect
  • Physical Intimacy
  • Secrets of a Happy Marriage
  • Sex & Romance
  • Sex & Romance
  • The Female Mind
  • The Male Brain
  • The Male Mind
  • Thriving in Love & Money
  • Understanding Me
  • Vlog
  • Youth Studies
Schedule Shaunti

Contact Shaunti

Shaunti Feldhahn
P.O. Box 924014
Norcross, GA 30010

Speaking Inquiries: Dana Ashley
Email: dashley@shaunti.com
Tel: 615.672.6811

General Inquiries

Important Links

  • Stay Connected with Shaunti
  • Research and Surveys
  • Resources
  • Public Relations
  • My Story
  • Biography
  • Speaking
  • Books and Studies

Speaking Topics

  • Men, Women, Marriage and Relationships
  • Leadership & Workplace
  • Parenting & Youth

 

 

This website contains affiliate links.

Privacy Policy

Copyright © 2021 Shaunti Feldhahn
Site Design | Site Development