Negative wife? Here’s how to stop the cycle!
Dear Shaunti,
My wife and I are making a concerted effort to improve our marriage. Although she is a wonderful woman and a great mother, it drives me crazy at how negative she’s become over 12 years together. She is often critical about the most insignificant things. I didn’t pick the right pajamas for the kids. I didn’t separate the laundry colors properly. This really bothers me, but jumping all over her for it won’t win me any points or strengthen our relationship right now. Yet how can we improve our marriage while she’s like this?
-Tired of Negative
Dear Tired,
Ironically, you’re being negative about her negativity! And I totally get it – in my women’s books and conferences I constantly hammer women to ruthlessly avoid criticism and negative words because it is so painful for any spouse… but especially for men!
And since you said your wife is a “wonderful woman and a great mother,” my guess is that she’s not a mean person; she simply doesn’t see how painful her negative words are for you. Or doesn’t see them as negative at all.
If you want to improve your marriage, you cannot depend on her to change. In fact, to break the cycle you will have to try the same no-negativity approach with her that you’d wish she had with you. And in order to control the way you respond to what she says, you’ll have to control how you think about it as well.
If you want to improve your marriage, you cannot depend on your spouse to change. Share on XHow do you do that?
Well, it turns out it is a habit of mind. A habit, by the way, that we can apply to any fault in our spouse that is driving us nuts. Because it can be quite impossible to simply “ignore” something that bothers you that much.
As nationally-respected therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma put it in a recent interview, “When you’re trying to work through a very real concern, the more you try NOT to focus on something, the more power you give it.”
I recently asked him how he helped couples address any such situation. If “not focusing on something” doesn’t work, what does? I think his method is invaluable, and you can use it to break your cycle. As he explained:
For example, I look at the couple dealing with an affair. Telling them not to think about this big, obvious, overwhelming thing would be counterproductive — because then it becomes hard NOT to think about it. It is like trying to NOT think about the pink elephant in the room.
Instead, I tell the couple, “When we want to think about the pink elephant, what if we picture a grey African elephant on the savanna instead?”
He then asks them to picture how an African elephant would look … how its tough hide might sound as it brushed through the grass… how it might have a baby trotting alongside. And then he asks the couple if they can picture it. They always say yes. And thinking about the grey African elephant – something healthy, something functioning the way it is supposed to – has taken their minds completely off of the overwhelming pink-elephant thoughts that were consuming them a moment before.
In the same way, I don’t think you can force yourself to just ignore your wife’s negative words – they are there and real and painful to you. Your concern about them is like the pink elephant in the room. But you can choose to instead focus on the things that are healthy, that are functioning the way they are supposed to. For example, when your wife says you didn’t sort of the laundry properly, think about the fact that she does so many of the household chores and the last few things she did to take care of you. And remind yourself that she appreciates you and truly doesn’t realize how she sounds.
This is one way of — to paraphrase the Bible — thinking about what is worthy of praise, rather than what is worthy of driving you crazy. Your concerns haven’t vanished — they are still something that will need to be addressed — but they won’t have the power over you any more. It will be so much easier for you to respond well, and lovingly. And as your wife feels unconditionally loved and appreciated, as your marriage improves, she is far more likely to be willing to hear what you have to say, when the time comes.
Focus on what is worthy of praise, rather than what is worthy of driving you crazy. Share on XHelping people thrive in life and relationships is Shaunti Feldhahn’s driving passion, supported by her research projects and writing. After starting out with a Harvard graduate degree and experience on Wall Street, her life took an unexpected shift into relationship research. She now is a popular speaker around the world and the author of best-selling books about men, women, and relationships. (Including For Women Only, The Good News About Marriage)
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, demonstrates that kindness is the answer to almost every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
This is by far the biggest load of horse crap I have ever read. Now calm down and think about a mama elephant and her calf walking through the Savanna, their gray skin crinkling under the African sun. Yeah, this will work great while your psychotic wife is calling you every vile name ever conceived and destroying your house because you forgot to take the trash out.
you are so spot on. agree with you .
AGREE!!!!
IAM WITH YOU ON THIS
I agree.
The grey elephant is avoiding the pink elephant and is that giving power to the pink elephant.
No solution ever comes from avoiding the questions Why and Where to from here.
People are complex, needy, scared creatures – but under that complexity is the primordial brain and it is driven by a basic stimuli-reaction drive.
So, what is your answer if this one is crap?
Society will constantly and the rightly call out physical abuse. Women are often told – get out while you can. Mental abuse is no different. The effects can’t been seen with the eye. There are no bruises, no welts, no marks. Not on the outside. Inside though, it’s just as destroying.
I’m living through it now. A man constantly being reminded that I’m just not good enough. Can’t do this right, can’t manage the other… But she doesn’t have a problem with the pay cheque I bring home.
Sadly that’s all I’ve become. The meal ticket. Nothing more.
Just like physical abuse, it hurts. The only thing I can say to anyone is if you can, if you have the soul left, if you care about yourself – leave. It’s too late for me.
Agreed. I personally believe a person’s character trait cannot be changed. If either person has to force a character trait in a relationship, it’s over. I would love to hear a true success story with rewinding their past?
THANK YOU, THANK YOU,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
(Fix broken relationship/marriage and make it unbreakable)
GLAD TO WIN MY EX BOYFRIEND BACK AFTER FEW MONTHS OF BREAKUP..
WIN BACK (LOVER) AFTER BREAKUP,
So glad this was helpful. “Don’t Give Up!!
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If that’s how you deal with it, you will be leaving a lot. I think the point is that the man is the head of the house not the woman. It’s his responsibility to see things right. Sometimes the only way you can do that is think on good things. Then after a while because you are the head you will initiate a conversation with your spouse that ends well because you both listened to each other and are willing to change a little to make things better.
Life is short. The best way to deal with this sort of behavior is to GET AWAY from it. Trained mental health professionals only have a so-so track record… and any success they have takes a long time…. years. And they often prescribe medication along with the therapy. And you think that you can do better by thinking of some elephant taking a dump? Get out. There are a lot of people on the planet. It is easier to find those who you can get along with, rather than trying to force a social exchange with those that you can’t. Neuropsychology calls the shots here. People do not change to any substantial degree. They may modify their behavior for awhile… or find ways to disguise their behavior… but at the end of the day THERE THEY ARE in all of their assholery glory. Money and the lifestyle it buys, is not worth it if you live with an asshole. LEAVE! Even if you have to live out of a backpack in the backseat of your car… do it! You’ll be happier for it, get your sanity back, and eventually end up with decent lodgings.
This is excellent advice. It’s pretty clear my wife is a negative person in the way she talks to me. She is also a lovely, kind, and beautiful person. The problem is she grew up with a mother who talked negatively all the time. It’s something she usually doesn’t even realize is happening.
I could have just mowed the lawn, changed our baby, fed and bathed him, and she’ll still say I put on thre wrong pajamas. She sounds crazy, (and maybe we both are…) but when I approach that behavior with a grin, and think about how wonderful she was before the comment. It fades away, and SHE ALWAYS NOTICES!
Addressing the words later when she’s in a good place is far more effective, after you’ve met her where she’s at.
So those of you who are bashing the article, Try it first, and actually commit for a while. It could save your relationship.
Nice thought, however, have practiced many times…”when she’s in a good place” deny’s being negative. I watched my parents regularly respect one another(even when stressed). I practice the same…however, the behavior have expanded to in-front of other people. ….Time to exit. Timothy Hall says it best…”when the elephant is an elephant…it is still an elephant. the color is irrelevant”
That’s what I thought too. This article is the stupidest thing I ever read. My suggestion would be for the couple first to write the problems down.
I agree whole heartedly. Probably spoken by a woman who just doesnet want to change and expects everyone around them to change. Its been and continues to be a big problem in my wife and mines relationship – where to the point its driving me away.
Agreed!
My wife is a great mother to our son, attentive (overly anal really but that’s better than the opposite) but she grew up in a rather traumatized household. Father killed (never knew him), mother that wasn’t around emotionally or physically (worked all the time). A brother that wasn’t the nicest to her.
My childhood wasn’t roses either but I started taking matters into my own hands at 16, started working, went to college on my own, never had a single positive reinforcement the entire time but that’s ok, I can do it all on my own and I did. After 15yrs I am in a great place professionally and continue to improve my knowledge and therefore my compensation packages. I’ve grown leaps and bounds as an individual and matured into a respectable person wherein I no longer choose to judge people over every little thing, let people live their lives and lets each do our thing. I have moments like anyone but I am good at quickly calming myself down and thinking logically about situations (my career calls for a calm head in stressful situations so this has absolutely helped with that).
My wife: Doesn’t seem she has ever had to truly take care of herself. There was always someone there to support her. When she did live away from family, she had lots of roommates. She is negative about everything, name it and she will have something to say about it. She is also the type that has to immediately think the worst, you ask her “Oh you are sick?”…her reply “I hope its not throat cancer”. wtf? Drama much? Doctor tells her its ok, don’t google symptoms so what does she immediately do after the doctor visit? Google and then say how the doctor is an idiot. smh!
If she isn’t miserable, she isn’t happy (oxymoron) it seems. ALWAYS finds something to dwell on. Our son isn’t talking enough, he is crying too much so that must mean something is seriously wrong with him or someone is abusing him at daycare. This is the same woman that when he was first born he was crying like crazy while I had him, she enters the room and asks if I abused him (literally said that) and I have to admit, I don’t like her as a person at all anymore. Time to plan an exit strategy because I’m not living my life steeped in misery and negativity. I need to figure out the right time to leave, we can raise our son separately.
Oh, she is right about absolutely EVERYTHING. As a wife she is terrible, she has no sexuality to speak of, not once has she initiated intimacy in 7yrs (son is 1 btw) and when that rare time comes I initiate and then we have to follow her rules 1. Kissing fully clothed 2. Kissing and light touching 3. 20m later clothes can come off
I have talked to her about being spontaneous, have fun, let go before and she thinks no women can have sex without this entire process. It literally has to be step 1,2, 3, 4…lol Jesus Christ, I guess all the women in my life have been anomalies. smh! – I don’t have a healthy sexual relationship at all! sigh
Professionally or as an economical partner? She does the bare minimum yet has more education than I do. Has absolutely no drive to improve, too scared despite having a very successful and driven husband who has always supported her to do more. We live in the US now, I tell her about the credit system here and how we can work it to our advantage and all I get is “Pfft, you Americans and your credit system”…wtf? – I don’t even have an economical partner in this life! sigh
Can someone explain to me why in the hell I should remain married to such a person? Outside of our son I don’t see any reason to suffer such a partner when there is someone out there more aligned to how I want to live and enjoy my life, someone I can openly talk to (I stopped talking because every time I respond I get told off or told how I am wrong).
One thing she is good at is sitting on ass watching TV, that is one thing she has perfected and made part of her nightly routine. Meanwhile complains about work constantly, she is better than everyone, everyone are idiots (routinely calls all the doctors idiots because they know nothing). Say’s she is going to learn some new skills that she would like to move into other areas of work, unwilling to put any time into it so finds an excuse “I’m too busy with work”.
I’ve thought for years it boils down to she has no respect for me at all, I truly think that is part of it because my opinion means nothing outside of cleaning up her vocabulary and writing and spell checking her work emails (yes, I do that for her).
If we have an argument they are pretty quick and nothing drawn out (because I cannot stand living like that) I am always the one to calm down and work to smooth tings over which means I apologize to her. She has apologized to me twice in 7yrs and I was shocked each time and thought that meant there was some personal growth (maturity) but nope.
So again, I don’t like much about her at all as a person, a lover, a wife, an economical partner so again why should I live with this person? Certainly this is “only one side of the story” but it is my 100% truth from my viewpoint and I am quite honest with myself and know my faults so again, why continue living like this?
I am in the same situation but with two kids. The reason I stay is for the kids. I do think about an exit strategy but for the kids sake you have to win full custody. Until you can figure out how to accomplish full custody I would stick it out. I suggest taking a two pronged approach. Try figuring out how to exit but also try to help her improve. I am doing the same.
Agree… bunch ofm words. Negative and nagging might just be hardwired to some women.
Bravo! Bravo! At this particular moment in my life I laying a hospital after the first car accident this in my life. 3 broken vertebrae, but no disc damage, and surprising no pain at all. No surgery, no surgery planned, just proper self care. But every night I have called home to say good night, it was not how did your day go in therapy, but rather “I had to feed the cats, I had to clean the kitchen floor (not heavy mopping, or waxing), I had to feed the dog, and more “poor poor me”. She has driven for the first time in 4 years today to Walmart, 3 miles, and she is worn out from the trip. And she never asks how are you today? All I would say, “real good, had some good exercise routine today”. I dread tomorrow, I go home, I have to teach how to put my back brace on. A therapist came in this morning, and said “I”m your wife, tell me how to your brace on”. I did, step by step. I got a very good.
When I try to teach my wife what I will get without her even touching me, “can’t you just do it?” A child of 10 could do it. This won’t be fun at first, or any day thereafter.
right!!! I’ve been looking for answers on the same question because my wife is extremely negative and I feel like I’m always having to carry the weight of encouragement even when I feel like crap and I want to complain. I can’t because she does enough for everything.. And it’s stressful because how do I get to vent except for right here!! So I’m reading this and what I gather is oh don’t worry about her changing Just accept her for what she is and be as nice as possible and keep doing what you’re already doing…. This is the worst load of advice I’ve ever read about a marriage. either they’re not married or they think just like these women that treat their men like this.. load a horse crap
I agree. She even says that her negative words will need to be addressed. I believe that’s what you were looking for. How do we address situation without making things worse. I’m sorry I’m piggybacking, but I am close to my wits end. It’s beginning to feel like everything I say and everything I do is met with an Eeyore style negative comment. My wife and I are going through a very hard time right now. It’s basically a long distance relationship so whenever she calls at 2 or 3 in the morning I’m there. And tell him everything’s going to be okay. She told me she hated me and that she thinks that I am crazy, like legit crazy. But all I did was tell her it’s okay to feel that way and I understand why you feel the way you feel. And she follows it up with that you’re just going to ruin that phone wanted to talk about it tomorrow when it ask me why I think you’re crazy excetera excetera. I just can’t win when I don’t understand why the woman I love, the woman I guess my all to so mean and so negative.
Picturing it an elephant is b*******. Help approach our wives and make our marriage stronger. It just feels like you’re giving all wives a pass
I apologize for the poor post. Voice to text has not been my strong suit lately. Long story short I think we’re looking for legit ways to approach our wives and you gave us pink fluffy elephants just keep smiling and maybe it will get better. Help
I actually daydreamed right into the elephant story lol! I guess I just really want to pretend that I can make this work. Yeah I yell at her for being so dam negitive but try not to get my spirit man upset. I really feel I should have a companion at home that would love me with her words as well as love me with doing laundry ya know. I’m a pretty simple man and not Perfact especially when it comes to this relationship thing. She’s come along way in our five years of marriage. I really Shiah she could read and study the power of words that are in the bible. There are so many verses on that. Well I can’t tell her anything I can only pray that the Holy Spirit will guide her to that. I’ve been trying to get her to read this for 6 years now but she hasent even attempted to read it. We get along better when we are seperated that’s for sure. Good luck to all you men out there and woke. For that matter. I myself every want to follow peace if you know what I mean. And dealing with a scornfull woman is just frustrating. Lord Jesus!
The bible says it is better for a man to live on the corner of his roof than with a nagging wife. The best we can probably do is be there for our wives, tolerate them when they have a bad day(s), and show them love and maybe a hug wouldn’t hurt. After 35 years I can say it is jot always easy.
Contentious wife is mentioned in Proverbs. Adam & Eve…they failed, we are destined to as well. It’s part of her punishment for disobedience.
Cutting the author some slack, she has to assume a lot from simple a short note. But it seems too much like – “ignore your wife”.
That dog won’t hunt over the long run.
Tired,
Address the root cause instead of attacking the person. There is a good chance the problem is how her communication is perceived by you. In other words she thinks she is doing nothing wrong by talking to you the way she does, and when you try to tell her this in her mind there is nothing she can do to change her delivery style.
So I recommend trying a new form of communication that will work for you and in doing so forces her to use a means of communication that is effective for you. For example by a communication board that is central in the house and anytime she needs something done she can put it on the board, it can have recommended improvements etc. as categories. Or get a shared online list, or try sending emails for certain types of communications like house work.
You both want to be happy in the relationship. The way she communicates towards you makes you feel attacked and unappreciated. So next time she bitches about something just say… “look I realize sorting the clothes properly is important to you, but when you just tell me to sort them there is a good chance I might forget. For items you would like me to do please put the item on this board along with any details of how you want them done.” She might complain and say that is too much work, but if it is important to her then she will do it. Don’t be rude or force full, but be strong and committed to adopting the new communication style.
Email is another effective communication style. When she is negative, hurtful, or disrespectful write an email and vent… let it all out there… but don’t send it. Give yourself some time to calm down then go back and edit it to again, make it productive and focus on the actions instead of the person.
Finally remember this is a two way street… reward her with things that fill her love tank (read ‘five languages of love’) when she does things that are good. “You know I really love when you are thankful for stuff I do” etc.
Finally challenge yourself. All through life in sports, work, school we have practice, homework, assignments etc. but we let our marriages just be left alone. The grass is green where you water it, so nurture your relationship and give yourself homework assignments week by week. Example, this week I will compliment her for something everyday, I’ll take her on a date, I’ll think only positive of her no matter what, I will listen intently, I will only talk about responsibilities over email so our face to face time can just be about us…
Good luck.
“life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond”
Most important & best sentence you said is “life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond”, that is right. Instead of trying to change(or control) other, lets change way we think & respond , because that should be in our control.
That all sounds fine and may bring transformation if both consciously do their part. Frustrating relationships have their causes and roots in our past and materialized in our present, limiting our capacity to live the ‘real’ present in intimacy. Without going to the root, only patching the present won’t work long term; nothing new.
Giving incomplete advice is a way of just ‘helping’ others stand on only one foot. How far can you personally walk skipping?
Giving advice is a delicate matter and a significant responsibility, not just a way to make a living. A prisoner can’t be a little freed. Either she/he’s in prison or out.
Good Insight totally makes sense !!
This is very good and insightful. Thanks for sharing.
Every one of these comments is helpful, and so is the original post.
Negativity is a spiders web, a bird net, a snare.
Think about it for just 2 seconds and you’ll realize how easily and spontaneously we respond to negativity with negativity.
And at the same time, I completely agree that negativity is unbelievably exhausting and excruciatingly horrible to deal with.
I am going to continue working toward healthy communication, seeking out wisdom, making right decisions, using sound discretion, giving positive feedback when appropriate and correction when appropriate. I will look at myself in the mirror. I will not take the easy way out. I will not excuse my own sin, yet I will not accept compromise with negativity and wrong. I will aim high and keep aiming high. I will keep learning to love, to forgive, to listen. Yet I will not accept rudeness or disrespect. I will not agree with nagging, criticizing, complaining, whining or arguing. I will do my best to keep learning, keep growing, keep reading, praying, studying, working, loving, laughing. I will stand up for right, against what is wrong. I will agree with the truth and distance myself from what is wrong while doing my best to be a lifeline to those caught in the web of negativity and still all the while recognizing my own weaknesses and using extreme caution realizing every moment, especially in the course of the daily rigmarole, the extreme danger of being caught in the web of negativity myself. So help me Jesus. I will overcome evil with good.
Thanks Randy, that’s a great mantra.
I struggle to face each day, knowing that my poor dear wife is ready to tear down whatever positivity I produce. She clearly isn’t mentally stable, but doesn’t see any problem with her constant negativity – sometimes explosive, sometimes grinding, sometimes just plain mean. I can steel myself against it, but I am so worried about the effect on the children.
I think I’ll try reading your mantra each morning and night, hope it gives me strength to keep persevering with our marriage for the sake of the children.
I’m in the same boat with you, been merried 20 year + , I’m 60s and would like to starf all over again either on my own or someone healthy and happy enjoy and grateful what life has goven, fresh new chatper if i’m lucky enough to find a companion I can spend the rest of my life with joy and peace, my two boys are in theres early 20s they can understand.
This advice is comically bad. My wife and I showed it to our marriage counselor and we all had a good laugh.
I’ll take any advice I can get. Instead of your put down, why not share some of the advice your counselor has enlightened both you and your wife with.
I disagree with your basic premise .If a woman becomes so negative she is an unhappy woman, unhappiness is her cross to bear.So if your goal is create a life that is not so negative she needs help on the professional level.Help husband’s cannot provide.
Agreed
Rum before you have a kid!
Will there ever be an article that simply admits “yes, women can be a problem at times” Come on, we all know it- even women! Equal times call for equal responsibilities.
I came here to seek some unbiased advice, but when the first sentence was “Ironically, you’re being negative about her negativity” it seemed to immediately remove the burden of a 50/50 relationship and place the onus on what she is heavily treating as the overly sensitive man “avoid criticism and negative words because it is so painful for any spouse… but especially for men!” with an exclamation point? really? I couldn’t go much further than to skim to see if this type of response is all she had and it is… this was a very biased post and insulting to men… which apparently was her goal.
My wife, right now is negative about everything and I have tried it all. I work and am trying to start a business and she’s a stay at home mom. Wonderful person, great mom… but she’s negative about everything and nothing’s her fault, all the issues are mine. I don’t do enough around the house. My business hasn’t taken off in 3 years so I should put it on the back burner. Even with points on our CC available and a method for paying for a series of short weekend getaways she’s negative about the expense… the kids are all in school and she can go back to work, but its difficult but she don’t want to start all over again because it doesn’t pay enough and to be fair, we’re talking about a master degree person so she deserves a fair shot, but the world doesn’t work like that today… she’s going to have to pay her dues all over again the same as I do right now while trying to start a small IT business… nothing’s positive so I come here and wham! Shaunti hasn’t provided much insight, certainly see no research in her opinions nor any hope… just good ole’ fashioned men bashing because men want perfect wives while the poor woman has to deal with overly sensitive, inadequate men… whatever… guess I’ll continue my search for an unbiased opinion because this was 1 big steaming pile of wasted time.
CHECKMATE
How about…. trying to be conscientious about sorting the laundry correctly, which will save her time and effort when doing the household chores and taking care of your needs? How about…. listening to what she wants you to purchase for the children? It’s not the big project that causes consternation, it’s the nuts and bolts of the project that cause it. Laundry and chores are the nuts and bolts.
Honestly? Because I bet she will barely provide a “thanks” while being minutes away from expressing irritation about something else. If she’s anything like my wife, that’s exactly what will happen. I’m no fool- I’m far from perfect and I’m sure I deserve some of the scowls and angry comments, but I can’t get my head around the suggestion that maybe I’m just “too sensitive”. God forbid I turn that around on my wife. Sure fire way to make any situation worse. A lot worse.
I AM A 74 YEAR OLD MALE MARRIED FOR 48 YEARS, HAVE HAD A GREAT MARRIAGE UNTIL I HAD A CARDIAC ARREST IN JULY OF 2013, FELL DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS, NOW HAVE BACK PAIN AND ALZHEIMER’S, MY SHORT TERM MEMORY IS ABOUT 10 SECONDS LONG AND MY LONG TERM MEMORY IS FADING FAST. NO CURE, LIMITED MEDS AND WE ARE PLANNING FOR ME TO SPEND THE LAST YEARS OF MY LIFE IN MEMORY CARE FACILITY. MY WIFE IS VERY CONTROLLING AND SOMETIMES NEGATIVE. GIVE ME A FEW WORDS TO SAY TO HER TO MAKE HER STOP DOING THIS. I TELL HER NOW THAT SHE MUST STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD, AND TELL HER I CAN’T HEAR HER WHEN SHE DOES THIS, BUT SHE JUST WILL NOT STOP. I AM GUESSING SHE IS VERY CONCERNED ABOUT MY LIFE TODAY AND JUST HOW MANY YEARS I HAVE LEFT……..A PROTECTIVE MODE TO IN HER MIND , KEEP ME AROUND AS LONG AS SHE CAN. ???? I HAVE HAD COUNSELING WITH AND TALKED WITH MY PASTOR AND HE IS GOOD, BUT I NEED SOMETHING TO SAY TO HER ON THE SPOT WHEN SHE DOES THIS. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR ADVICE.
This is heart breaking and I am terribly sorry about your plight and though I may not know you, please know I have just prayed for you to find peace and joy and health.
I have no useful advice to give but I have plenty to pray for so just know a stranger many thousand miles away is praying for your well being today and will do so every day. May God bless you.
Negativity kills every thing, including marriage.
Yes, we own our responses.
Some relationships’ dynamics are toxic, and why try to live in the freezing cold and suffer, when you can move to a softer climate?
A marriage involves two individuals with their own past and view of themselves, others and life in general. Those we are attracted to are sometimes the most unsuitable (for both) to grow and blend harmoniously. Relationships can’t be forced when the negative and pain outweighs the joy. Because my wife does things in the house and for me doesn’t erase the inderlying psychological and emotional blow of her overall attitude with me. That’s how i percieve it.
When i Googled this topic, most sites gocus on angry negative husbands, but in my expetience there are more nagging disrespectful wifes than husbands. But then again, I’ve never had a husband.
I think that the key to what everyone is looking for on this post. Men think it’s wives that are negative, women think it’s husband’s that are negative. Just maybe it’s 50/50, but no one wants to take the blame. If a wife complains about housework and a man about his career or reverse the scenario. Has anyone thought of this point. What about kids or in-laws driving someone crazy, that’s negative, right. Maybe you all need to step back, take a look in the mirror, realize the grass isn’t any greener and take ownership of 50% of the negativity. I guarantee it is there, you are just unwilling to take ownership of your part in the equation. Wearing someone else’s shoes for a moment, should help you understand how negativity starts. It is a feeling you get when you are frustrated, anxious, scared, tired, etc. Is anyone really going to tell me you don’t ever feel these things? Your spouse is the closest person to you, they are the one’s that are there for you, they feel what you emotionally go through, if you don’t think your actions cause a reaction in the closest person to you, you are sadly mistaken. I suggest taking a hard look in the mirror for a long time before you point your finger. It is not only pointing at your spouse, but at yourself. You need to work together on a plan and not have unrealistic expectations of each other ( find the action causing the reaction for everything that causes negativity. It is lot’s of work but well worth it. Please do not go out and start a new relationship without fixing the problem, guaranteed it will just happen again. The person you meet in a bar or restaurant, will not be the person you live with for years, I can guarantee this, the real raw person comes out, we are all human and a little hurt a broken exists in all of us. (Period)
Quite obvious to me that the elephant in the room that majority if people have failed to see is that there is a root cause to negativity that is much deeper than folding laundry correctly. The wife in this situation and most like all the situations i read in these comments are obviously miserable because they are hurting and feeling neglected because their husbands are too busy looking to their own needs instead of giving some attention and care to the wife. The so called negative comment is the wife trying to communicate that you once again have failed go show that you care about what she thinks or feels…even if it’s about something so trivial. It runs deep. Examine yourselves men because she lives in the environment you have created for her. I am very disappointed in Shaunti’s lack of insight here.
Just like the article, you have managed to make the man out to be the problem. If men have read this and bothered to comment, it’s reasonable to think that they are the type of husband that wants to help their mate and their relationship. It stands to reason that these aren’t the type of misogynistic pigs that you are categorizing them as. Myself included. I try to be a very attentive and aware husband. Sometimes…just sometimes…it’s not the mans fault. Despite what modern times have dictated. Maybe there are a few of us that just need some actual advice on how to deal with (temporary) mental imbalance from our spouses. Frankly, I am so tired of hearing nothing more than “men suck” from every media outlet. Whether it be social, political, news or other. Don’t judge us by our worst specimens and we won’t judge you by yours.
Another opinion of men that can do nothing right…by a woman. North American and European woman have been sold a cheap bill of goods for decades from equal rights garbage promoters that are scared to death that women should be submissive, supportive and reverence her husband. They have successfully destroyed wetter culture and the family.
Same wife type here. Shuanti’s illustration could be better but point taken. If you can’t change someone you can only change yourself or as others have suggested, leave. It is way easier to identify but a whole lot more difficult to implement. It is a huge undertaking for me to have minimal success when her whole outlook on life and a normal relationship based on mutual respect, mutual acceptance is skewed. I know women who’ve had terrible examples of mothers, thus affecting them in like manner, yet recognize it and strive not to be like their moms. I can work with someone like that. But the women (and men) who embrace the bad behavior of their parents, have so much pride they can’t be honest with themselves enough to lay that stuff down, what can you do with them? An employee, no matter how talented they are and how much they benefit a company, if they are complainers, cantankerous trouble makers…guest what? The management is actively taking applications,looking for qualified, amenable candidates to replace that person.
My marriage has been this way since day one. I used to actually believe it was all me. We’re 30+ years into it and I’ve learned that’s not true. I would like to leave but know how hard it was on me and my siblings (way into adulthood) when our parents split up after only 23 years of marriage. My kids are grown and gone but don’t want them to ever have to go through that. EVER! Though my wife has become increasingly difficult, I keep thinking , “I must find a way.” I have gotten a little stronger that I don’t crash and burn emotionally as when I was younger. I fantasize that I will one day be so secure in myself that nothing she says or does bothers me. A rock of a man. Maybe that’s what she’s looking for in me anyway. But knowing my wife as I do, I believe she will see it, recognize it but will make her best efforts to spit on it.
The “Woman’s Movement” has done its job over many decades to bring about destruction of western families and culture; the results of teaching women that the traditional family where the man is the head and women’s place is a supporting role is the root of all wickedness.
I tried to bring my kids up, opposite of society teaches, believing my wife was on board…at least she said she believed that, but all throughout the process she sabotaged all of it, very subtly of course. I didn’t understand that she was just placating me. In practice she is a died in the wool woman’s libber. O the outside you couldn’t immaginit. I am still flabbergasted. Why would you get married knowing full well you are not in agreement. Unfortunately for many, marriage is a game. Many others do NOT think it’s a game. If you do you should look up the word Fidelity.
As in, “there, there, baby, it will all right” “yes, you’re still pretty”. I care about what she thinks, I care about vacuuming the floor ever hour of the day, I care about having to get ready to go to Walmart (I drive, I unload, I put up and organize. I cut the grass (1 acre lot), I tend to outside cleaning rounding up limbs, raking leaves, edge trimming weeds (watch for snakes) , I wash and clean the car, I make the payments, I go in oil changes (I mostly do them myself, save $25, not that hard, just get on my back and crawl under the car on the concrete and remove and replace the drain plug, try that ladies once every 4 months). Oh yeah she’s got it “rough” allright, she don’t do squat except put on makeup. I am not disappointed in Kayes team spirit here, you girl gotta stick together don’t you?
I am exhausted by my wife’s habitual and oppositional statements that constantly tear down everything I say. This is freaking ridiculous. I’m beginning to wonder if she even likes me. I know she loves me. But maybe just does not like me.
The issue is that my wife will not take personal responsibility for her behaviors. Rarely compliments me or anyone, always find why things are wrong or that my intentions are hurtful. Well we have been married 50 years in Sept. and it’s been this way my entire marriage. I keep hoping that it will change …. BUT I’M WRONG!. I agree with the previous person, I must leave. She will be devestated and so will our 4 kids but life keeps ticking by and I only have maybe 15 years left.
I can work all day, do all the house chores, do all the kids homework and put them to bed, but I will still get yelled at about something. It doesn’t matter what I do, she finds a way to spoil any happiness. I call her every day from work and almost every day I regret it because she is so negative. Your article btw is total crap. You’re whole theory is, let the negative person be negative and you just have to take it. LOL. The kids area really the only reason I stay now, I can’t imagine being separated from them.
Ugh.
If she is really this verbally abusive, then the kids are not safe either. Get all of you out. Just make sure you document everything so that a custody hearing brings the truth to life.
I don’t think she is making it out to be the husband’s fault. I think she is saying just take a moment to breathe before responding. Often we do respond negatively (perceptional speaking). I often respond in what would be considered unloving way. There is what I believe to be called a crazy cycle that I often hop on with my wife. WE (husband and wife) both need love and respect. However, in times of conflict (whether we know we are in conflict or not) the husband responds better by being respected and the wife responds better by being loved. Most often when in conflict though, the wife seems to respond in a disrespectful way which in turn most husbands would feel disrespected and respond unloving. The cycle continues until someone decides to step out of the cycle and do what they committed to when they got married which for me is to love my wife. I don’t do a very good job of loving her when I’m being disrespected but when I do love her through the cycle she starts to be more respectful because she feels loved. There are usually root issues ( like a father was unloving, abusive past relationships, trying to fulfill a self-filling prophecy that all men will eventually hurt them, etc.) What I do see is that most marriages seem to have this type of cycle and it’s a reminder for me to love her through the negativity even though I just want to walk away sometimes. I know it’s hard….but I believe it’s worth it….I thought so many many years ago and I just need reminded of it (probably too often). Good luck out there.
watup world! I need advice. My wife has the worse attitude ive ever seen.She gets into it with everybody! Work, drive- thru, random person at the bus stop, any and everybody. Family and friends including me (hubby) tries to show her how her extreme attitude effects everbody! We cant go anywhere because its a possiblity im going to hv to fight with somebody because of something she did or said. Her only resonse is” This is me stop trin to change me!” She began to act like this when we started making gud money and living a very easy and care free life. When i started showering her with gifts and buying car after car (she currently has an bmw x5 that i got for her just cause) her attitude got dramaticly worse! She acts like she is queen and everybody she do what she wants no matter how she acts! The most crazy thing about it is she knows how her attitude is but dnt care! Advice Plz!
I hear you guys. I really do. Every day is a struggle in my marriage. Just about everything triggers a barrage of negativity from my wife, and nearly every day I spend hours trying to calm her and get her to see a little hope or love in her view of our relationship.
Sometimes at the end of the day my patience runs thin and I ask her if we can take a break and come back to it after a short break, which triggers louder and sharper criticism and negativity.
She had a traumatic childhood (father was uncontrollably angry and committed suicide when she was a teen, her sister died in an accident shortly after, and her mother paid no attention to her). She is very untrusting of others, and has a lot of trouble making friends. I’m the only one she can fully confide in, and she is very clingy/needy, so I feel like I constantly need to attend to her, neglecting my friends and family… it’s just terribly exhausting because of the constant negativity which she views as “normal”. Any time I bring it up, and try to cite specific examples of excessive or unnecessary criticism, she bites back with one of many retorts I’ve heard thousands of times (“What? Am I throwing dishes at you? Am I screaming and biting your head off? Be a man! I need your support. You are too sensitive.” Etc.)
Often I feel that I can’t take anymore, and begin to think about leaving her, and I tear up thinking about how devastated she would be. I really care about her as much as I do about my own life. I believe life is not about being self-centered and seeking my “happiness”. The only meaning of life that makes sense to me is that I’m here to learn to love in an environment where it is difficult to practice. I would not want to live in a world where everyone only thought of their own happiness, and I don’t want to create that kind of world for the people in my life. But this marriage I’m in sure is stressful. I find myself rationalizing leaving the marriage “so that I can be more available to be caring to others”. Yet I want to care for my wife, I really do, the negativity just wears me down.
Here’s to all of us – a collective “Sigh!”
I feel for you bro – exactly the same here and exactly the same reasons for staying – the only thing that has worked so far is thinking that this is not about me but she is negative about everyone else but me, let her ventilate as much as possible and then after a few minutes she ll take a break and you can breathe
Out of sight out of mind
Reading the first few comments made me feel not as alone anymore. Other of my bros here are going through the same thing. I know I’m seeing abused mentally, but it is too late for me. I have kids growing up and may not be able to start a new life by myself, financially speaking that is. My wife is very nice when she is, but when she is not suddenly and sees me as a disappointment, it makes me very sad. I would say that for the 20 years we have been together, 5 times, max, and I’m being generous here, that I have been mad at her. That is compared to the 1000 times for her. Most of those times are for small and really unjustified things that she could have easily not sweat. I feel most of the time accused, but because I said nothing to defend myself, each of those incidents is a bad entry onto my record. To her, she probably sees that extensive list and that would justify her punching into me for anything in the future as I”m not a model citizen because of the record she gave me. Right now, I hope to win the lotto or make it big somehow and I can give her half so she can go find her happiness without me as I obviously am not worth it enough she would not hesitate to drop a stove on my head when I did absolutely nothing. I sometimes wonder if she has a mental issue like dual personalities disorder or something because I can really see two different people when she is my wife and when she is that person who hates me. Anyhow, back to my life now and I will try to make it another day.
I did not dupicate my comment. You are allowed one comment apparently. Sorry.
That is really good advice. Thank you!!
Reading many of the comments here demonstrates how mental abuse perpetrated by women go unchecked. If the shoe was on the other foot, men are likely to get persecuted and prosecuted simultaneously.
No wonder suicide rate for men is so high. I haven’t been married long and have a newborn. There are days I pray for death as my beliefs prohibit suicide. I know other matters in my life are contributing but they are minor compared to the type of mental anguish, anxiety and hell that comes with a god awful, toxic and negative woman. No ambition, perpetual pessimism, yeller, everlasting complainer, coercive and controlling to the point that I can’t leave my house without dealing with her low self esteem because I must be having an affair.
This advice is such a fluff. What do you do when the other person needs therapy for their shortcomings or baggage in life. I am in this marriage for show so I am not disappointing my family. If something does not change drastically on her part I need to get out.
My concern is for the well being of my child and how that life will be adversely affected when there is no countering force to that negativity. Of course, men are almost always handicapped in custody hearings.
I imagine being with someone where I can just be at ease. Where I can just laugh a genuine laugh, cry a a genuine cry. I imagine with being someone who shares my ambitions and have same value sets. Who does not squander money even when she didn’t have any growing up.
I imagine of a woman who will show me respect as a man, who won’t resort to emasculation at every opportunity she can get. I keep having this image sometimes about just walking into a lake nearby and just keep walking. That’s the result of extreme stress at home where you are always in a pressure cooker. I am typing this to just get it off my chest. It’s a weird thing to say that I want to end my life because I was and am not this person. Marry a wrong person and this is what you get.
God bless you brother Jacob (Israel)! I too am a born again believer and know your pain intimately! I got done with work early today and just drove around as I didn’t want to go home to her negativity about most things… No exaggeration! It’s truly amazing that a person can read the same scriptures, claim the same faith, have good health, material needs met, as well as have a husband who truly loves and serves her, yet acts as if the sky is falling and I’m the one bringing it down. Zero peace, joy nor contentment. On the other hand, I am feeling so extremely blessed to have the God that we do, who provides and loves us immeasurably by giving His one and only Son to die in our place! The only struggle is her attitude. It’s can be maddening! I can tell you this, if it weren’t for all my family members and friends etc. who still need to be saved, I’d cry out frequently, Maranatha, Come Lord Jesus come!!! But, we must endure and He will give us the strength etc. Fruit of the Spirit brother is within us, we just need to get out of the way. This life will be over before we know it and we will be in His presence forever without the horrors of sin!!! Dig in brother as I too will as all things are possible with Jesus and that includes enduring with these brides “we” have chosen and “not” necessarily our God and Father above. Now just maybe now God is working through them to humbly sanctify us more into the image of Christ as well as us leading them to Him??
Side note. Her advice above is clearly worldly and not from most men’s perspectives nor even close to a biblical one. Just thought I’d encourage you as well as those who believe. Blessings and prayers lifted up for you all. Know Jesus, know peace. No Jesus, no peace.
Modern Western women are by and large spoiled brats who have been taught what to demand from a marriage, but not what to give to it. They believe they can do and say whatever they want and the man must shut up and take it. So many single men have witnessed us married men henpecked, hypercriticized, and put down to the point where they have sworn off marriage I feel sorry for the decent young men and women who are trying to navigate the wreckage. Congratulations, “ladies”, you won.
Alot of Christians have itwrong saying love is suffering and sacrifice. Christ suffered on the cross to remove the suffering from love and to coquer original sin. Do you think he was unsuccessful that it needs be done again? Was Christ not good enough to be successful the first time? Ha!!
Marriage is a light to a fallen world that refuses to be unfallen. Marriage is meant to be the clisest outward relationship to the inward relationship and experience of the Love of God. A beacon to light the path. Sometimes one person carries the light for both. Sometimes both carry it togetherbut it always shines. Aloha Ke Akua, Kuleana.
And “If God seems distant, perhaps you have not looked within.” -me
I never really comment on the internet, specially random articles
But as a man, husband and psychologist I couldn’t control the need to come on here and say that this is the biggest load of crap I have read all week.
Whoever wrote this article basically saying “take it like a man” hahaha
Probably a very entitled and biased person that’s very angry at men.
Why didn’t even one of us mention the obvious? Why are you still not separating colors or whatever the laundry issue is? You have few chores. It sure looks passive aggressive to do it “wrong” over and over. It’s not that difficult. Rather than blame the tired wife, try this. You’re grown. The