Husbands, get in the habit of telling your wife she is beautiful
Tip #32: Husbands, get in the habit of telling your wife she is beautiful.
Every little girl dreams of finding her prince and knowing she is his princess. Husbands, you need to know that even after years of marriage, your wife probably still has some of that little girl inside. A little girl who wants to know she is still your leading lady. And one of the greatest ways you can get that truth to “stick” is by regularly telling your wife she is beautiful!
Our surveys found that inside nearly every woman is a deep desire to know she is beautiful. This is true no matter what age she is, or how successful or confident she may be.
You may be thinking, “But I do think my wife is beautiful!” The thing is, it’s easy to forget to put the thought into words! The best thing you can do is take every opportunity to tell her you feel that way.
Think about the last few times you both went out together—like on a date night or out with friends. It is very likely that your wife put in effort to look nice. Maybe she bought a new outfit to catch your eye, or took extra time on her hair and makeup. As you continued on to the restaurant or movie, did you ever hear her ask, “Honey, how do I look?”
Her question is pointing to her hope that you will say those magic words: how pretty she looks.
You see, every day your wife is bombarded with constant images from the media setting unrealistic expectations for beauty. These images tell her she must lose more weight, be sexier, look younger or dress better. It can take its toll on even the most confident of women. I know you want to make your wife happy, and the best relief you can give her from that pressure, the best antidote you can find for the forever-young, forever-size-two Photoshop expectations of this culture, is the encouragement of hearing how beautiful she is to you, in all her individuality.
One man told me that on his 30th anniversary, he did something he had never thought to do before: he took his wife’s lipstick and wrote on the mirror in their bathroom: “You are the most beautiful woman I know.” Three months later, that message was still there. She couldn’t bear to wash it off.
So find ways to say it out loud, and put it in writing. When you have date nights or she gets dressed up in a pretty outfit, tell her how amazing she looks. If you need to, take a sticky note and stick it on your computer or in your closet to help you remember. You’ll see so much delight on her face – you’ll see her start to believe it — as you get into the habit of putting into words that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you.
Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!
Drawn from For Men Only.
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Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
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The post originally ran at the Christian Post for Marriage Mondays. Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other–and which change everything once we do.
This article made me cry. I know he loves me but he rarely tells me i’m beautiful. I get a new outfit, i cut my hair, i do my eyes dark the way he likes… But he doesn’t even look up let alone notice. I flat out tell him to “say something nice”. He rolls his eyes “i love you honey”
Why does he no longer think I’m the hot girlfriend? Why does’t he do a double take.. Or even a take at all? I haven’t changed
I feel rejected, ugly, and old. I wanthim to want me. Every woman just wants to be desired… And i am afraid that for the rest of my life i will neverbe wanted.
I’m sorry that you feel that way but he needs to know that you do. Simply put it out there for him. Ask him why he doesn’t look at you anymore? Likely it’s because once they have you, they think their work is done. Let him know how it makes you feel. You won’t regret it.
I’m sorry you’re being taken for granted Amber. That is what this is in my opinion. Speaking as a man, I know that I tell my wife she’s beautiful at least once a day. I leave her notes in her car to find when she leaves for work. I send her texts telling her how much I miss her when she’s away…..I do this because I know it’s how I really feel. It’s because I know what it’s like to be taken for granted and how awful it feels when your mate doesn’t seem to have that lust for you anymore nor recognizes anything you do just for them and would never want my mate to feel like that. Tell him how you feel and tell him that you’re not going to be taken for granted and if he really cares for you he will step up to the plate. It takes no effort to look at your mate and tell her she’s beautiful. It’s the cheapest investment you can make in a relationship that pays 100% interest in dividends. Good luck sweetie.
Yes, this sucks! i am a guy and i have the same struggle telling my wife. I know it’s not an excuse but as Shauni has researched, it is difficult for most men to verbalize these things (especially after you have been together for years). And personality types also does not help (I am a Type 5!). The struggle is real! I would recommend sharing with your husband the info for guys about girls such as the For Men Only so that he can better understand the needs of females. One thing that does help me is i write a letter or email or postit for my wife. https://www.5lovelanguages.com also has some practical examples.
I say it out loud, often. In a discussion I told my wife that the two word that best described her were cute and sexy. Her response is always why don’t I think she’s beautiful?
Endless comments that I do think she’s beautiful are ignored. I said it, so that’s it until I die. 3 times a week I can look forward to her telling me I should go out and find someone I think is beautiful.
If I were to ever change my mind and tell her, yes, beautiful is the best word to describe her all I’d have to look forward to would be 5 times a week looking forward to her telling me that I only said that because she wanted me to…
What do you do when your spouse works so very hard to not listen?
Hi rpicardmichcom – Caroline from Shaunti’s team here. We will send you an email offline. Thanks!
So…It’s such a burden to tell her she’s beautiful? Do you really love her? If you did then this wouldn’t be such an issue for you. So what if you have to say it 20 times a day to make her feel secure and beautiful in her mind. How much effort and how much time does it take to utter to simple words? Seems to me you don’t really care for her much. If it took my wife hearing it come from my mouth 100 times a day I would make that happen because I love my wife unconditionally and would NEVER want her to think that she wasn’t beautiful to me…
I tell my wife all the time how Beautiful she is . her response is usually ughh or no I’m not .No matter how much I tell her that’s how she responded. I’ve even said a thank you would he nice. I still tell her it because it’s true . She is Very Beautiful.
To the men who tell their wives all the time that they are or they look beautiful… don’t assume that just because she brushes it off it means nothing to her. I struggle with self image and weight issues and it is very difficult to overcome years and years of self deprication. But I can promise you that she hears you. Her heart hears you. And she will notice when you don’t say it. It doesn’t matter ultimately if she believes it though it is important for women to see themselves as the beautiful creation God made them to be. What matters to her is hearing andor reading this from you. Even if you think she doesn’t really hear you.
I think it is important for husbands to tell their wives they are beautiful, and it is just as important for the wives to believe their husbands. I am afraid I am one of those wives who say “No, I’m not.” I do have a hard time believing my husband because I have gained weight: not a significant amount but enough to make me unhappy. I know that if I were able to truly listen and appreciate the words my husband I would feel better about myself. I also know that the beauty comes not only from looks but personality and what we have together.
Carrie, speaking as a husband I can tell you that as far as I’m concerned, I fell in love with the heart inside my wife. Not the shell that it came in. In my opinion, when you TRULY fall in love with a person it causes you to find them beautiful regardless of their weight, size, clothing, makeup or shoes. If your husband is STILL telling you this despite your weight issues (and they are YOUR issues) speaking as a guy? We don’t say things we don’t mean so if you’re telling your husband “No, I’m not” it’s like you’re rejecting him as in his opinion, you ARE beautiful and to contradict his opinion of you is just as bad as being rejected in the bedroom. (It would be to me anyhow) Guys rarely expose their vulnerabilities and open themselves up like this….Take it from me. If he says you’re beautiful then you ARE! Even if it IS just to him who else matters?
My husband rarely tells me i’m beautiful and he never tells me he loves me.
Just a thought but have you ever asked him why? If it bothers you (and I’m assuming it does due to your post) then do you think it’s going to get any better if you don’t take the initiative to ask him what’s up that he doesn’t say those things. Obviously to say “he never tells me he loves me” cannot be true because if it were never, then I find it unlikely that you would have married him to begin with. Maybe you should ask him why he married you to open the conversation. Chances are he’ll answer with “because I love you” and that will give you the opening you need to ask “then why don’t you tell me anymore?” Just a thought from a man’s perspective.
Heard the “joke” where the guy says something to the effect of “Why do I need to tell you I love you? I told you on our wedding day. If anything changes, I’ll let you know”.
Just like people don’t eat once and are sustained for life. Nor do we shower once.
People need to be told on a regular basis they are loved, appreciated, beautiful, and so much more.
My heart hurts for the women here who aren’t feeling loved. If God ever grants my desire for a wife, I hope she always knows how much I love her.
Leave a post it note to remind you how about he just doesn’t I’m so sick of having to remind a man his woman means something
I have told my wife how beautiful she is countless times. She replies by saying, “I am not.” The last time I said it she exploded and ordered me never to say it again. It stems from her had some 66 years ago. I have not said it since.
I would like to add, words are only that without action. complimenting your wife is a must, however your actions have to show you mean those words.
No matter how much I try to keep in shape and look nice, my husband tells me I have work to do, reminding me that I’m fat and not so good looking. At almost 50 and struggling with thyroid issues, I’m never going to again look like the 20 year old that he married almost 30 years ago. How I long to be appreciated and loved instead of being compared to others. Thankfully, I have a Heavenly Father who loves me perfectly and I can rest in His perfect love for me. I’m thankful He genuinely looks at my heart, knows my faults and failures and chooses to love me anyway. I have eternity to look forward to with Him. And as for now… I choose to love and forgive my imperfect husband, knowing that God is still working in his heart, just like He’s working in mine. I’m thanking God for how He enables us to persevere and endure difficult relationships for HIS glory. God is good.
You need to leave him and be with me. I have a handsome face. Muscular physique. I’m areal man. I can cook. Clean. Build anything. Great at sports. Know everything about sports. I have money saved up well savings plan in my bank. I can fight.
I already know I’m beautiful . I don’t need to be told . I also don’t think it’s the most important thing in the world. I do, however, think it is important to be told that you’re intelligent , kind, generous , and are accomplishing great things . Stressing about beauty is so shallow . It is most definitely not something I worry about .
I know that I am beautiful ; more importantly I know that I am intelligent, generous and a contributing member of society . Why is everyone on this thread so insecure ? Thoughts ..?
Insecure? It’s a proven fact that men AND women benefit from being told they are attractive and/or beautiful. I know I am beautiful, I don’t need the guy at the gas station to tell me that, but I would like my S/O to tell me that I am beautiful. It’s a different type of feeling when the person you love and choose to live your life with tells you that they find you very attractive in mind and body. You can hold your head higher in public knowing that the man/women next to you finds YOU attractive and they only have eyes for YOU. Imagine being in a relationship or marriage and YOU have to be the one to tell yourself you’re attractive all the time, or imagine buying that new dress and heels that you were SO excited to wear on your date and he/her doesn’t comment on it, or getting a new hair cut and him/her not noticing… How would you feel? You might begin to feel that your S/O doesnt appreciate you or that you’re not attractive enough… You can know what you are all you want but hearing your S/O notice all the things you think you are is a good feeling.
This is a tricky subject. Women don’t often explain to men what they want and NEED to hear because they’re afraid of confrontations. I’m afraid my own husband will do just that — roll his eyes, get annoyed and say “You already know I think you’re beautiful, why do I have to say it all the time?”
They just don’t get it, and they’ll never get it coming from us. They need to hear this research from an outside source otherwise they just think their wives are nagging.
I know my husband is a good man and doesn’t ogle other women, but one day a pornographic ad popped up on his computer full with topless woman, and I know he was annoyed. After, I playfully lifted my shirt (probably out of insecurity) to get a better reaction from him than the ad. He looked at me in horror and said, “Are you crazy?” looking at the open slits where the curtain was maybe up. We live on the top floor and I was laying on the sofa. I was very hurt. I cried. And then he told me, “there isn’t a reason to cry!”
Talk about clueless, right?
Shel, Are you married? It doesn’t matter if you already know your beautiful. If your spouse doesn’t think so, then he’s into someone else.
Ebrew, yep. Clueless. He’s also caught. Porn pops up when it’s being viewed, alot.
Your not alone in feeling this way. After being married for 19 years i know for sure my husband loves me and at least thinks i am pretty or he would have taken off a long time ago. Its just nice to hear it once in awhile.
Karen- yes . Married for 34 years . I most definitely get told I’m beautiful all the time . Sorry to disappoint you . He’s only into me . I just don’t think it’s the most important thing in the world . Sorry I didn’t answer right away as I have children , a busy career , volunteer work , conferences etc . That keeps me busier than looking in the mirror all day . I was blessed with good looks . But I make sure to focus on much more than that . Nice try though .
The women who say they know they are beautiful lol…that’s kind of being shallow and doesn’t really pertain to women who want to hear it from their husbands!
My husband (2nd marriage) and I have read your books. I’ve told him several times I need to hear I’m on his radar. I need to know he notices me. Being 60, I struggle with my aging. I always try to look nice,especially whenever I go out in public. Even though we’ve had this talk several times, I never hear I look beautiful. Maybe a half hour into a “date” he’ll say, “Has anyone told you you look nice?” This really ticks me off. He has no trouble noticing other woman. He’s even told lady friends of ours, “Wow! You look great!” I’m about ready to give up. If you’re a man and reading this, please pay attention to your wife. The struggle is real. My gal friends have no trouble telling me I look pretty. 🙁
Thanks for the advice. There is no excuse for a man not treating his woman like a queen but I’m very shy around women. Even with my wife. It took me a long time to ever feel comfortable pursuing women very beautiful women especially in public. Looking them in there eyes talking to them. I always think my breath stinks when it doesn’t. Getting turned down In public it’s very hard. It’s always been difficult to tell my wife she’s beautiful or even get stuff for her for mother’s day. Christmas. Birthday. Anniversary. And Valentine’s Day. I need help.