Author note: This is one of a series giving a sneak peek into what I discovered about what makes happy marriages so happy! After years of nationally-representative research with more than 1,000 couples, I reveal the twelve most important little habits in The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference. See www.surprisingsecrets.comfor more!
According to the 1 Corinthians 13:5, love is not self-seeking and keeps no record of wrongs.
The Highly Happy couples I interviewed for my book, Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, taught me, however, that the best marriages do actually keep score – just not in the way you might be thinking! You see, the couples who became the most happy – including many who had at one time been miserable — told me they subconsciously always were keeping track of what their spouses were giving. As a result, one spouse was so aware of what they owed the other, and that helped them to let go and not keep a record of their spouses’ wrongs.
These couples see how much their mates do for them and make an effort to compensate in some way. And this was particularly relevant during seasons when one spouse was having a particularly difficult go of it at work, or with the kids, or whatnot. It was almost a feeling of “Wow, he has been logging so many hours on the construction site, and these new project managers are causing him so much stress! How can I make things easier for him for the next two weeks until the project is done? Maybe I’ll bring him a dinner onsite every few days, so he doesn’t have to worry about getting home for dinner and can relax a bit.”
As a result of keeping score of what their spouse is giving, those “I’ll bring him dinner”-type actions were out of the heart instead of a sense of duty. And it certainly didn’t come with a sense of “aren’t I doing something so wonderful for him?” Because it originated from a sincere awareness of how much the other person was giving during that time.
A friend of mine refers to this give-and-take as the Canoe Theory of Marriage. Picture a husband and wife paddling across a lake. When one paddler is paddling so hard it tips the canoe to the right, the other paddler compensates by tipping more to the left… so they don’t tip over.
Sure, there are some spouses who are just 100% lazy and selfish, but those are by far the minority. In almost every marriage, there are things each partner is doing that are worth noticing and which will make you want to “give back” – once you do notice it! It turns out that keeping score in that way and paying that generosity forward will keep that healthy cycle going indefinitely.
It might take some practice, but that’s OK. I promise you this is one skill you will be grateful you learned!
From Chapter 5 of The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, by Shaunti Feldhahn
My husband and I have enjoyed following your work for many years. You have made a fabulous contribution to Christian marriage and we thank you.
Your blog sent many thoughts flying through my mind, times when one or the other of us was carrying a heavier burden and how it looked for the other to pick up the slack.
You are spot-on about not keeping track of wrongs; it sucks the life out of us. On the other hand, watching for those opportunities to recognize when our spouses are giving hard and finding ways to come alongside and bless them breathes life into both of us.
Thank you for your insights.